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From: laughing_stalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [mailto:laughing_stalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On ;
Behalf Of Erik Deckers erik.deckers@xxxxxxxxx [laughing_stalk]
Sent: Friday, March 17, 2017 12:41 AM
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Subject: [Laughing Stalk] This week's Laughing Stalk -- Cobras Are Not For
Collecting, Beer Cans Are
Cobras Are Not For Collecting, Beer Cans Are Erik Deckers Laughing Stalk
syndicate Copyright 2017
When I was ten years old, I collected some unusual things: rocks, fossils, and
beer cans. A few of my other friends also collected them, and we would
occasionally make trades or show off some amazing new can we got.
I collected regular stuff too, the kinds of things you expected kids to
collect. That same year, I collected baseball cards and had nearly the entire
1977 Topps collection. Each pack cost a quarter, and that summer, I did
whatever I could to earn money. Whenever I had enough, I would race on my bike
to the Village Pantry about half a mile away and buy a pack. And oh man, if I
ever got a dollar, that thing burned a hole in my pocket until I could buy four
packs.
I would kneel on my garage floor, feeling the cold concrete on my bare legs,
and sort through each of my new cards, organizing them by team. Then I would
sort the new cards in with their respective teams. Finally I'd spread out the
entire collection and just look at them. It made me feel prosperous, like I
owned land or had stocked enough firewood to last all winter.
I never took great care of them though. I wrapped each team with a rubber band
and then wrapped the whole stack with a big rubber band, which bent them all
slightly in the middle. I finally gave the entire stack away to my little
brother several years ago, as we were decluttering our house.
Another victim of our domestic downsizing was a collection of little plastic
baseball helmets you could get with every Slushie at the Village Pantry. I
could get a Slushie and a cup for about 75 cents, and at the end of my 11th
summer, I had every team. My wife made me through those away too, but I kept my
Cincinnati Reds helmet as an act of rebellion.
I also had to get rid of the remaining beer cans from my original 300+ can
collection, which I had disposed of sometime in college. I kept about 30
because I believed they were fairly valuable. It turns out they weren't,
because I posted most of them on a beer can collecting website, and no one was
interested. I even threatened to dump them in the recycling bin if I didn't
find any takers. No one stepped up, so they're probably someone's car door
panel now.
I kept a few of the unusual ones though, including two Hudepohl cans
celebrating the 1975 and 1976 World Series champion Cincinnati Reds, a
commemorative six-pack of historic breweries, a couple Olde Frothingslosh cans
("the pale stale ale with the foam on the bottom"), and a Foster's Lager can
that was printed upside down. They're on a shelf in my garage.
I tell you this because as weird as all this may seem, it's not nearly as weird
as the news out of Central Florida this past week: a 2-foot long suphan cobra,
which is highly venomous and extremely icky, escaped from its enclosure in
Ocala, Florida.
Ocala, which is roughly 80 miles from my house — or 211,200 suphan cobra
lengths — is far enough away that I don't have to wear titanium snake gaiters
when I leave the house,. But I live in a state filled with people who collect
venomous snakes, so I'm always a little nervous whenever I open my door.
According to LiveScience.com, cobras bite with a neurotoxic venom that can stop
your breathing within 30 minutes and be fatal within an hour. And some wacko
has decided these are something worth having several of in his house. He keeps
them in special terrariums so he can look at them all.
And you thought a 10-year-old's beer can collection was weird.
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission said in a news release,
"Members of the public should not approach or attempt to capture this snake."
No problem. I may try to run it over with several times my car though.
The FWC also says if you do spot the snake, you're supposed to call the
wildlife hotline and scream unintelligibly before throwing your phone at it. Or
you can tweet with it, like I've been doing, at @OcalaCobra.
This is the second Florida cobra to escape from its enclosure in as many years.
The previous cobra, a 8 foot King cobra named Elvis, escaped from his home in
Orlando — only 16,500 King cobra lengths from my house — and avoided recapture
for nearly a month until it was found behind a woman's clothes dryer.
Authorities are on the lookout for the suphan cobra by standing on top of their
cars, shouting "Heeeeere cobra, cobra, cobra!" I only hope they catch it before
it heads to my house and grapples with my mongoose collection. Yeah, that's it,
my extensive collection of angry mongooses.
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Posted by: Erik Deckers <erik.deckers@xxxxxxxxx>
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