[mit-ac6] For You
- From: Neil Santos <ne0_akt@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: mit-ac6@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Wed, 25 Sep 2002 16:12:17 +0800
>> [Tuesday] 9/24/2002 :: 8:35 PM -- NEWMSG
For You
Dedicated to the Auspicious Blood
You're four years my junior. I can't begin to imagine how I could
inflict the kind of pain that I do. Am I that inhuman? We're
supposed to understand each other; so why can't we? What went wrong?
I tried to treat you as my equal, but you shove me away every time I
try to do so. I miss you.
I miss the days we didn't have a care in the world; I miss the days we
were friends. I guess we're still friends... Friends that haven't
been together for a long time. Except we see each other every day.
How could I hurt you so? I know I'd die and kill for you; and yet
here I am, shortening your life span by the shit I do to you. The
shit you put up with and try to justify my doing when people find out.
The lumps, the bruises, the swelling, the shortness of breath, the
lack of sleep, the lack of appetite... You try to hide them all, even
if we both know I inflicted them all without flinching; even if we
both know you don't deserve any of them.
You never deserved any of them. You never deserved all those years of
physical abuse.
And I never had any right to deliver them to you. No; not even after
my own blood did the same to me. I had a rough childhood; yes. But
that doesn't justify my hurting you. It never did. You shouldn't
have had to go through the kind of shit I went through.
I was wrong. But I don't know how to say sorry.
All I can do is weep. Weep for you. Weep for me. Weep for the awful
things I've done to you through the years. Weep for what could've
been. Weep for you could've been. Weep for how we could've been.
But it's no use weeping. My weeping, my crying, my anguish and my
pain is not enough payment for everything I've ever done to you. It
never will be. No; not even after I've wept blood. Not even after
I've killed and died for you.
I'm sorry. But my apologies cannot turn back time. All they can do
is open up the future for more beatings. For more pain. For more
suffering.
No? The suffering stops. I'll take every blow my blood delivers, but
I shan't avenge myself upon you; you did not cause my suffering, so
why should I pass the burning torch of pain to you? No? It stops
now. Everything stops now.
No more pain.
I wish I could just take my life and end it all; but we both know that
won't accomplish anything. We both know that can't accomplish
anything. Or erase everything.
I'm sorry...
Shall we denounce me and our relationship, I shall never feel any
differently for you. No matter what happens, no matter what you say
or do, my perspective shall never change...
-------
``... I don't suppose we shall see them again.''
-- Frodo, from `The Fellowship of the Ring', by J.R.R. Tolkien
... Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
Other related posts:
