[lit-ideas] Ahmadinejad, a parody
- From: "Lawrence Helm" <lawrencehelm@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Wed, 17 May 2006 15:16:19 -0700
For those unfamiliar with The Weekly Standard, the last page is always a
Parody of some sort. The one from the current is about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
The author of the parody views Ahmadinejad's letter as heart-felt and not
the diplomatic ploy I imagine it to be - well, I might be wrong:
"Dear President George Spawn-of-the-Devil Bush,
"I was recently talking at length with my staff members about my theories of
the universe, and they suggested I go to a quiet room alone and write them
all down. So here I am. But I no longer recall all of them, so instead I
thought I would take advantage of the warm green celestial aura currently
enveloping me and begin a dialogue with you.
"How does it feel to be a lying, thieving son of a Zionist whore? I ask
this with all due respect and humility because, Your Excellency, you claim
to believe in the teachings of Jesus (pbuh). I wonder if Jesus (pbuh) would
support slaughtering human civilization and annihilating planet earth. I
must tell you people in my region are increasingly angry over such policies.
"I had a few thoughts on Israel. Let us suppose, for the sake of argument,
that some Jews were harmed in the making of World War II. Does that justify
a Jewish conspiracy to implant electronic chips in Palestinian babies and
use radio waves to create an army to enslave the planet? But our guard is
up, and I remind you: He only brings peril on himself who forgets the
invulnerability of a head properly wrapped in aluminum foil.
"You might know that I am a teacher. As my students often ask me, 'What are
you saying? Can you repeat that? That makes no sense.' I tell them to
study history. Can it be forgotten how, in 1917, the neoconservatives in
Washington foresaw 9/11 but kept silent in order to dissolve the Ottoman
Empire in order to enrich white colonists in Africa? Perhaps it's time you
reread Howard Zinn.
"My country is advancing rapidly in its technology, your Excellency.
Surely, this is natural. Why is it that even the most minor breakthrough in
explosives is considered a threat to the Zionist pig-dogs? If you impugn us
in this, then, surely, you also impugn us for running water, automobiles,
and sunlight. It is as if you accuse me of producing methamphetamine simply
because I emerge from a pharmacy with 800 boxes of Sudafed, when in fact my
true battle is with the scourge of histamines.
"Now for the good news about your spiritual degradation: A simple embrace of
religious primitivism is all you need to right your course. It has done
wonders for my country, and I'm grateful that the Almighty God has acted as
my navigator as I have driven the automobile of state into unexpected and
exciting barriers. And, God be praised, He is about to upgrade me to Turbo.
"I am, in the spirit of dialogue, your most bitter enemy,
Mahmoud"
Lawrence
Ps, Note to Irene: I didn't write any of the quoted material. I only quoted
it. I don't know who wrote it.
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