[list_indonesia] [ppiindia] 'You can never be strong enough'
- From: "Ambon" <sea@xxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <"Undisclosed-Recipient:;"@freelists.org>
- Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 20:45:33 +0100
** Mailing-List Indonesia Nasional Milis PPI-India www.ppi-india.da.ru **
17 - 23 March 2005
Issue No. 734
Living=20=20
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Published in Cairo by AL-AHRAM established in 1875=20
http://weekly.ahram.org.eg/2005/734/li1.htm
'You can never be strong enough'
As the number of single mothers continues to rise, Serene Assir lis=
tens to accounts of tragedy, hope and heroism=20
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Click to view caption=20
Dina Sarhan explaining the fine points of cooking=20
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Egyptian tradition is such that few things are worse than being a s=
ingle woman -- except, perhaps, being a single mother. And though cases of =
unmarried women single-handedly raising children remain rare in Egypt, thos=
e of divorced or widowed women bearing the economic, social and emotional b=
runt of parenthood are countless. Many take on the role of both parents whi=
le the father moves in with a second wife, serves a prison sentence, works =
abroad or completes up to three years of military draft.=20
"Problems are particularly acute in the case of women raising child=
ren in economically depressed areas," Mona Shadi, programme coordinator for=
the Association for the Development and Enhancement of Women (ADEW) told A=
l-Ahram Weekly. "The women we reach out to often lack all the basic guarant=
ees to which the state entitles them. Many cannot read or write, many other=
s lack identity cards since they are registered under the name of their for=
mer husbands, and thus they have no access at all to the authorities -- nev=
er mind the ability to seek help."
"This world is a dirty place," 23-year-old Ashraqat, mother of Shur=
ouq, says with a mixture of fervour and despair. Ashraqat discovered she wa=
s pregnant one month after signing her divorce papers, following a brief bu=
t abusive stint of wedlock, during which her husband took advantage of her =
economically even as he forced social restrictions on her. Now, she lives i=
n Cairo, having left her native village of Bilbis in the Sharqiya district,=
but earns her living as a belly dancer in Hurghada nightclubs, where she c=
an work without the necessary documentation.=20
"I remember when he used to promise me we would make our dreams com=
e true," she told the Weekly. "Now I know the truth." (While we have this c=
onversation in a traditional coffee house, the owner shakes his head at me =
disapprovingly, walking by; later he tells me off for sitting with someone =
so "low").
Ashraqat went to school up to the age of 14, and was dancing profes=
sionally by 15. The man she loved came from a better-off family, so when sh=
e was married she imagined she would no longer have to dance (or otherwise =
employ her body) to make a living. "But my husband would bring clients into=
the house, then take the money afterwards. I had everything I could possib=
ly want, I even had a really nice mobile phone, but he took control of my l=
ife and made me do things I didn't want to do.=20
"By the time I discovered I was pregnant it was too late. When I to=
ld my mother, she beat me -- she'd been against the marriage since the begi=
nning. But she was to forgive me later on, and now she helps me. My father,=
well -- he treats me and my daughter like strangers. That's okay. I don't =
need anyone, I can manage without. Now you ask me whether I'd do it all ove=
r again? No. I'd marry the person my parents choose, someone with money. It=
wouldn't matter whether I loved him or not. This is no life..."
This bitterness, the sense of being excluded, Shadi explains, tend =
to be incorporated into the way single mothers bring up their daughters -- =
an added problem. As if to confirm this, Ashraqat explains that "what I tea=
ch my daughter is this: If someone picks on you, hit him. You can never be =
strong enough." ADEW seeks to address this issue by holding programmes for =
children as well as mothers, Shadi goes on to point out: "We frequently suc=
ceed, but just as frequently we fail."=20
Ashraqat's experience, though an extreme example, remains broadly r=
elevant. "As a divorc=E9e," she explains, "I am desired by many men, becaus=
e they know that I am not a virgin, and as a result they think I'm an easy =
target. But everything I do," she pleads, "I swear, though I know dancing i=
s sinful -- I do it for Shurouq, so that when she grows up she has all the =
things that I didn't have. I love her..."
Such an attitude of self-sacrifice is seen across the board. It may=
be innate in all mothers, but it stands out with particular force in those=
who undergo the most painful trials. "When the children's father passed aw=
ay," Um Sherif, 67, tells the Weekly, "my life was already difficult enough=
. God, I had 14 children to take care of!" Eight were hers, the rest her hu=
sband's -- by his first wife. "The youngest was just two years old. Now," s=
he says, "they all have homes of their own, and they are all happy."
Um Sherif lives in a semi-agricultural area deep within one of Cair=
o's poorer districts. She can neither read nor write, but three of her sons=
are electronic engineers in the Gulf, and two work in respectable business=
es in Cairo.=20
Hers is an impressive case: She fought against all odds to raise he=
r children, and she managed extraordinarily well. A strong woman, she is pr=
oud of her achievements. "I never accepted help from anyone. I knew that if=
my children were to be happy, I would have to do it all by myself. I thoug=
ht of remarrying, but when I saw how prospective husbands would seek to int=
erfere in the upbringing of my children, I decided against it."=20
But according to social perceptions, it is a misfortune for a woman=
to remain unmarried. "Yes dear," Um Sherif says, defiantly, "but if you li=
sten to what people say, you'll find it impossible to breathe. I learned th=
is very early on in life. People love to interfere, but in order to survive=
you must do what you feel is right."=20
That said, social prejudice cannot be ignored as a negative factor =
in the lives of single mothers. "My sister is a teacher," Mervat told the W=
eekly, "and has always been well-to-do. She divorced her husband following =
an unhappy marriage, and brought up her son and daughter comfortably, witho=
ut experiencing pressure from anyone. It was her son who turned against her=
in the end -- once he married, he started despising her, cursing the fact =
that she chose to live independently."=20
Yet the principal problem seems to stem from an area beyond the soc=
ial, strictly speaking. A woman raising children on her own is a woman with=
out support in Egypt, and though this is increasingly acceptable at the soc=
ial level -- women gain in respect, particularly, as they grow older -- bur=
eaucratic issues stand in the way of true emancipation. Tasks as banal as r=
enting a flat become a problem because business deals are usually made with=
men. Registering a child under the mother's name remains legally impossibl=
e.
"And now," Ashraqat says, about to set out for Hurghada, "I've got =
to make sure I'm ready for the big lie: When the policeman wakes me up whil=
e we're on the bus to ask for my ID, I'm just going to have to pretend I'm =
too exhausted to fetch it. And as I'm not wearing any makeup, he'll hopeful=
ly be taken in by the innocence of my expression. Let's just pray he'll lea=
ve me alone."=20
Shurouq looks beautiful in the photographs Ashraqat shows me. To th=
is day, without an ID card, the mother is fighting out the case for the cus=
tody of her child.=20
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