[jimkitchenchat] HALLOWEEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T:
- From: "Jim Kitchen" <jim@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: jimkitchenchat@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sun, 31 Oct 2010 07:07:55 -0500
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag.... OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
Q: What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
A: Fasten your sheet belts...
Q: What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A: A blood vessel...
Q: What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A: A scareplane...
Q: What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
A: Bloodhounds...
Q:What is a ghoul's favorite slurpee?
A: Lemon-slime...
Q: What do birds give out on Halloween night?
A: Tweets.
Q: What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A: A girl with very high blood pressure...
Q: What will a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A: A stake sandwich...
Q: Why is the color brunette considered evil?
A: When's the last time you saw a blonde witch?
Q: How can you tell if a witch is horny?
A: Check which end of the broomstick she's riding.
Q: How does a witch play soccer?
A: Widdershins.(sorry, but, it was there!)
Q: Why don't witches wear underwear?
A: So they get a better grip on their broom.
Q: Why don't witches have babies?
A: Because their husbands have crystal balls and hollow-weenies.
Q: Where do vampires live?
A: In the *Vampire* State Building.
Q: What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: I'll see you next month.
Q: Why wasn't the vampire working?
A: He was on his *coffin* break.
Q: What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
A: Booberries.
Q: What's a ghost's favorite Mother Goose Story?
A: Little Boo Peep.
Q: What's a vampire's favorite feast?
A: *Fangsgiving* Day dinner.
Q: Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
A: Because vacuums are too heavy.
Q: What room can't a ghost go in?
A: The Living Room.
Q: Why did Dracula break up with his sweetie?
A: She wasn't his *blood* type.
Q: What is a vampire's favorite sport?
A: Casketball.
Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A: A dead end.
Q: What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
A: Shrinkenstein.
Q: Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
A: To improve his bite...
Q: Where do vampires put their money?
A: Blood Banks.
Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: He had *bat* breath.
Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the *Body* Shop!
Q: What do skeletons use when they want a chat?
A: A *tele-bone*!
Q: What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A: "Do you believe in people?"
Q: What do naughty ghosts use in school?
A: Cheat sheets...
Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
A: Spare ribs.
Q: Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
A: They're too wrapped up in themselves...
Q: What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?
A: A *Skele-tan*. :-)
Welcome to the page of free halloween fonts
Free Halloween Fonts
http://www.theholidayspot.com/halloween/freefonts.htm
Trick or Treat is better than SEX
10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. You'll feel less guilt the next morning.
1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!!
A guy walks into a Vampire bar, sits down on a stool, and orders a glass of hot water. The bartender looks at him quizzically, shrugs, and goes into the back. A few moments later, he comes back with the glass of hot water. "Um, I'm just curious. Why is it that you ordered hot water? All the other vampires are drinking blood. We do have all kinds of different types, so why the hot water?"
The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says, "Tea."
TOP 10 HALLOWEEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack tonight.
8. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
7. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
6. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
5. Let me see your big sack!
4. Can I eat your Zagnuts?
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT SOUNDS DIRTY BUT ISN'T.....
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
You know you're too Old to Be Trick or Treating when
You get winded from knocking on the door.
You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
You ask for high fiber candy only.
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
People say, "Great Keith Richard's mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.
You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Some Lame Halloween Jokes
Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A. Frostbite.
Q. How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
A. With scare spray...
Q. Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A. Because they don't have any body to go out with.
Q. What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A. A cereal killer.
Q. What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
A. Fasten your sheet belts.
Q. What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A. A trombone.
Q. When does a witch know it's time to trick or treat?
A. She looks at her witch-watch!
Q. Why was there no food left after the monster's party?
A. Because everybody was a-goblin!
Q. What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A. Hello.Hello.Hello!
Q. What kind of pets do ghosts have?
A. Scaredy Cats!
Q. Why was the little ghost crying?
A. Because he had a BOO-BOO
Q. What's a Vampire's favorite fruit?
A. NECKtarine!
Q. What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A. A Hoblin Goblin!
Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. He didn't have the guts!
Q. Why does a Mummy make a bad birthday gift?
A. Because he is too hard to unwrap!
Q. When does a skeleton laugh?
A. When something tickles his funny bone
~ Halloween Terms ~
Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.
Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.
Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done.
Also, see "Mr. Hyde."
Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
Skeleton: Any supermodel.
Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
Witch: See "Mother-in-Law." <giggling>
Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee
Here's a Halloween Classic!!
There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress
party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to
a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later, he receives a parcel with
a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a
pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so
he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel
and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's
habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really
look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed, since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden
leg to emphasizing his bald head, and he writes the company a REALLY rude
letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which read; "Dear Sir, please
find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your
wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!"
An All Time Classic Halloween Joke:
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just
arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before
unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"
Since Halloween is coming next week, I thought you might enjoy aome
recipes for the occasion whether you celebrate or not these are
still fun recipes:
Halloween Cupcakes
makes 24
1 (18.25 ounce) package moist white cake mix
1/4 cup KOOL-AID Orange Flavor Sugar-Sweetened Soft Drink Mix
1 recipe Colorful Frosting
Frosting Ingredients:
4 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1/2 cup butter or margarine, softened
4 tablespoons milk
2 tablespoons KOOL-AID Sugar-Sweetened Soft Drink Mix, any flavor
Cupcake Directions
Prepare and bake cake mix as directed on package for cupcakes,
adding drink mix before beating all ingredients together.
Frost cooled cupcakes with Colorful Frosting made with orange
flavor soft drink mix. Decorate with Halloween candies or
sprinkle with additional soft drink mix, if desired.
Frosting Directions:
Beat sugar, butter, milk and soft drink mix in large bowl with electric
mixer on low speed until well blended and smooth. Use immediately.
Halloween punch
2/3 cup TANG Brand Orange Flavor Drink Mix
1 quart cold water
2 cups cold ginger ale
1 pint blackberry sherbet
Place drink mix in punch bowl or large plastic or glass pitcher.
Add water; stir until drink mix is dissolved.
Refrigerate several hours or until chilled.
Stir in ginger ale when ready to serve.
Place 1 small scoop of sherbet in each punch cup.
Pour drink mix over sherbet.
Halloween Cookies
makes 24
1 1/2 cups sifted all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup peanut butter
1 cup packed brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Sift flour with soda and salt.
In a separate bowl, cream margarine, peanut butter and sugar
until light and fluffy. Beat in egg and vanilla.
Fold in flour mixture until just blended. Shape into rolls about
3 inches in diameter. Wrap in wax paper and chill in
refrigerator overnight or until firm.
Slice rolls 1/8" thick. Make Halloween faces using peanuts,
raisins, chocolate or butterscotch chips, or
red candies for eyes, nose and mouth.
Use colored coconut or chocolate sprinkles for hair.
Bake on an ungreased cookie sheet at for about 12 minutes.
Black Halloween Punch with a Frozen Hand
1 (.13 ounce) envelope unsweetened grape soft drink mix
1 (.13 ounce) envelope unsweetened orange soft drink mix
2 cups white sugar
3 quarts cold water
1 liter ginger ale
To make a frozen hand, wash a disposable glove, fill with water,
seal with a rubber band and freeze until hard.
Stir together grape soft drink mix, orange soft drink mix,
sugar and water until solids are dissolved. Combine with chilled
ginger ale just before serving.
Dip the frozen hand briefly in warm water, then peel off the glove.
Float the prepared hand in the punch bowl for a ghastly effect.
Jim
Do witches run spell checkers?
jim@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
http://www.kitchensinc.net
(440) 286-6920
Chardon Ohio USA
Other related posts:
- » [jimkitchenchat] HALLOWEEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T: - Jim Kitchen
