[jaws-uk] Doggerel/Out of Africa
- From: TIDDYogg <oggy@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: jaws-uk@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2006 20:20:47 +0000
Between the Congo and the Nile,
There lies a swamp of aspect vile,
But at its heart a city standeth,
As bright and gay as Gyles Brandreth. (1)
And to this city, long ago,
There came a doctor you all know,
And too you'll know of Stanley, who
Was seeking him, without a clue.
Let's venture to this city, then,
Ruled by Ayesha, she, whom men
Bow down, for she must be obeyed,
Or else with death they would be paid.
The doctor comes there, and so bold
Says: "Queen Ayesha, you're very old,
But I can give rejuvenation,
With but a simple operation.
"To keep, dear Queen, your folk's affection,
You'll need, methinks, a new complexion.
I'll soon provide new physiognomy,
And do so, dear, with great economy.
"Send out for virgin sacrificial,
Of beauty great, though superficial,
And simple facial transplantation
Will make you loved by all your nation.
"And while we're at it, why not trade
Your legs for those from some young maid,
And bosom too, which when re-sited,
Will have your warriors most delighted."
And so began, this evil man,
To carry out his monstrous plan,
And from the body parts assembled,
A creature made, who quite resembled...
...All the beauties through the ages,
Centre folds from Playboy's pages,
Zuleika Dobson, Trojan Helen, (2)
Far more examples than I'm tellin'.
The doctor, to perform this art,
Alas was forced to stop her heart
How else would he fit such prosthetics,
With no recourse to anaesthetics?
He therefore built a lightning rod, he
Attached the cable to her body,
And waited until nature's whim,
Could finish off the job for him.
The lightning flashed, the thunder roared
And all the world was shaken,
And while our doctor paces, bored,
Pigs run to save their bacon. (3)
Meanwhile, our Stan, hired by the Sun, (4)
Approaches at a waddling run,
Protected by a cheap umbrella,
He found in someone else's cellar.
And as the storm roars overhead,
The lady stirs upon the bed,
And Stanley, shouts into the room,
"Doc Livingstein, sir, I presume."
Ayesha rose with baleful stare,
The lightning bolt had singed her hair,
She took a step, rotated, cursed...
One leg, though lovely, was reversed.
Revolving slowly in her fury,
Ayesha, lawyer, judge and jury,
Embittered, made this parting shot:
"Friends, your careers have gone to pot."
"What happened?" Stan says, as the two
Stand pot-bound, turning into stew.
"Hell hath," doc said as ffire was torched,
"No fury like a woman scorched."
* * *
(1)Gyles Brandreth - Rather un-masculine TV personality, famed for his
multi-coloured jsweaters.
((2) Zuleika Dobson - eponymous heroine, a modern day Helen. Can't
remember who wrote the novel.
(3)Regular sufferers of Ogg doggerel will know that at this point I
normally go off at a tangent. This time I
simply changed the rhyme scheme for a verse... and plagiarism? Don't
know the word.
(4) One of the less salubrious British tabloids.
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