This is a long passage but worth reading for all types of people.
Be True to Their Neurology!
We have been trying for years to "treat" autism by suppressing the
behavioral symptoms while trying to shape people to look and act as
neuro-typical as possible. Many adults on the spectrum are now fighting
back from years of trying to be something that they are not, being forced
to "act" against what they are and having their self-identity stripped of
dignity by constant negative feedback. They are burnt out from constant
invalidation and struggling to conform to what others want them to be.
They are often angry and hostile, or given up in despair, from constantly
trying to fit in but hitting their heads against a brick wall.
This is not due to poor intentions of loved ones, teachers or the helping
professions. We are intent to help and support the children and adults to
have happy and productive lives but we always assume that means being like
us. To value what we value and to look and act as typical as possible in
order to fit in and be successful. These are noble goals but can be
drastically harming.
The most happy and healthy people are the ones who are true to their
neurology. Unfortunately we usually do not know what that is.
Neuro-typical people, especially when young, are constantly trying to be
something that they are not, trying to fit a popular vision of what is
valued. It never works; eventually reality sets in and we return to what we
are meant to be. Using as we get older we become more comfortable about
who we are and want we need to be happy. Or, with live a life of lies and
despair, never reaching a model with aspire to.
Our neurology (how our brains are wired) sets the stage for our
development. Some of us are more intellectual and detailed thinkers, some
of us are artistic or global thinkers. We are either fast paced
extroverts, sensitive introverts or somewhere in between. We all have our
given learning styles whether that being a visual, auditory or tactile
learners. Some of us have great executive functioning skills, being
focused and organized and others are scattered and disorganized and stumble
through life. Some people are very flexible and bounce through life with
minimal conflicts and others having difficulty adapting to any unwanted
change in routine. Some of us are more anxious and emotionally reactive
and others are calm and steady.
We all are born with certain temperaments and neurological profiles.
Except for some very early interventions these do not change much. They
have a defined path which we can foster and refine or ignore, deny, negate
and unsuccessfully try for years to change.
Autism is a bio-neurological makeup that is a bit different than ours
(neuro-typical). The way their brains are wired means they process
information differently and experience the world differently. They cannot
rapidly and intuitively process multiple information simultaneously and can
become overwhelmed when pressured to try. They are fined tuned to perceive
details and sensory patterns much better than us neuro-typical. They dance
to a different drummer that has a defined beat.
There are many styles of temperament and neurological profiles, all of
which when fostered along their own paths can develop into happy, healthy
and productive people. We cannot make a creative artist or professional
athletic out of nervous systems that are not programmed to be. You can
push, prod and spend fortunes on talented teachers, coaches and doctors but
cannot make someone into something they are not wired to be. You can,
however, create a very invalidated, broken and angry person trying to force
them to be. Being a soccer coach at a very competitive level, I have seen
the results of parents who try to shape their average child athlete into
superior competitors by paying for expensive trainers, over practicing and
providing intense pressure to become the best. All while never coming
close to reaching that goal and in turn stripping the fun and esteem
building values of athletics.
I once knew an experienced golf teacher who spent most of his time teaching
average people how hit a golf ball. The secret he used was to not
drastically try and change the golf swing but to refine it to work better.
People have different swings based on their temperament and physical
makeup. Some people are hyper and have a fast paced swing and some have
calm, slow paced swings. This tends to match their personality styles.
Some have aggressive hitting styles and others have smoother, rhythmic
swings. They all can learn to hit the ball straight by refining, not
changing, there natural swing. When you try to radically change their
swing style everything tends to fall apart. Many golfers have quit the
game over the frustration of trying to make their swing into something it
isn't. You have to take the profile you have, refine its strengths and
let it grow and develop. All styles of swings can become effective if
natural.
This is the same path for all of us when we try to deny what we are and
what we are meant to be. We can have fun and be happy developing our
internal package or we can be frustrated and invalidated by trying to
change who we are. We cannot make ourselves into something we are not.
We can pressure, force and prod and risk becoming frustrated, broken and
depressed or we can define who we are (neurological path), foster its
growth and promote its strengths. I will assure you your loved one will be
happier, more productive and successful developing their neurological
package then trying to deny and work against. We need to embrace their
neurological differences, redefine them as strengths and make
accommodations for them to excel. Let's stop denying who they are and
forcing them against the grain of their nervous system. Let's allow them
to develop and feel strong in the makeup that they have and to grow into
healthy, happy and productive people.
