......from fb
Last night I had a call from a mother asking my help for her son with
inappropriate behaviours.
She first wanted to admit her 17yo son in Autism Ashram but on being told
gently that all rooms are full, she asked me to suggest ways to deal with
her concern.
I would like to add here that this is one among similar calls I get every
week all over from mothers.
I told her I would like to ask her a few personal questions before I could
be of any help.
Q : Does he sleep in another room?
A.: No.
Q : Does he sleep in the same room as you?
A : Yes
Q : Does he sleep in a separate bed or in the same bed with you?
A long silence !
Then a subdued voice answered : Yes
I quietly answered back : you are the trigger for his inappropriate
behaviours.
I suggested please stop his sleeping in your room altogether with the help
of visuals saying ' Big boys sleep independently' !
I then asked her what about other females in the house?
She answered back, yes, he holds the maid's hand at times.
I gently added, what I am going to say will hurt you but you have created a
perfect recipe for inappropriate behaviours!
I can well understand a mothers love for her child, more so when we have a
single mom, if he is a special child who may need assistance thru the night.
I am now going to ask a very pertinent question to everyone out there.
If you were to have a girl child with autism and she is a young adult of 15
plus, will you, I repeat, will you allow her to sleep with her father ?
I myself am a father of three daughters and I think I can ask this Q
without fear!
I am sure I will get an emphatic NO from every family out there.
I think since 4 out of 5 are boys having autism, the boys do get a little
extra love from their moms while the father is busy being the bread winner
for the family.
But you as a mom are doing great injustice to your son, unknowingly.
This mother-son fixation or as we know it as ' Oedipus Complex ' is as
valid now as it was before Freud invented the theory.
Autism means ' routine !
If your son starts touching you inappropriately and you do not stop him
saying " Chota bachcha hai ", " he will learn as he grows" , trust me he
has learnt a ' routine ' of touching you, hugging you, kissing you in
public, and he will ' feel' it is OK!
But it is NOT ok!
Professionals I meet find sexuality taboo and rarely discuss in the open
but it is important we give our children a loving understanding of human
sexuality.
We need to make them understand, ( with visuals if need be) that their
sexuality is special and natural, then they will have minimal information
with which to balance the beliefs of society.
You will need to walk that extra mile both as a parent, as a mother or a
professional to make sexuality meaningful for the child living with autism.
Or are you going to brush it under the carpet, as usual!
