[guide.chat] THE SEASON IS UPON US!

From: "Dave Bonner" <djbonner@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: "Guide Chat" <guide.chat@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:45:43 -0000

Love The Irish
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an 
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to 
heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place 
I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me 
Irish Whiskey!' 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he 
meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go 
to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' 

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when 
you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes.   I thought you were getting a 
group together to go right now.'
Paddy was in  New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street 
crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, 
pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy 
went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics 
across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in 
the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best 
friend, Finney. 

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for 
speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the 
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the 
car. 

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it 
again!'
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a 
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and 
knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?' 

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking 
buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, 
Kathleen. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their 
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself 
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily 
on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the 
landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and 
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and 
bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and 
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled 
his way to bed. 

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and 
butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be 
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of 
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but 
mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
[guide.chat] THE SEASON IS UPON US!

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