[guide.chat] : Fwd: Jokes
- From: "Keith Wines" <keith.wines@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: "guide chat" <guide.chat@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Thu, 30 Jun 2011 23:26:52 +0100
Please be aware this might be a little racial,but it is very good and you will
need about ten minutes to hear or read all of it,so carry on and enjoy it .
Keith
-----Original Message-----
From: margaret
Sent On: 30/06/2011 07:42
Sent To: Keith who would like to thank Margie for sending the joke below,many
thanks .
: Fwd: Jokes
: FW: Indians......
Sent to me by an Indian friend, as you might have guessed ...
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded
on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
What a Crazy coincidence! One month later, on various parts of
the island, the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian
woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when
they spend time with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are happy together, and the Greek woman is
cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and
a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the
island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
G. What happened to the Indians????
Scroll down......
.
.
.
.
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce
them to the Indian woman!
POOR GEORGE
George W Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell,
where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have
no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let
someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you
decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such
was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time
after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In the room George saw Bill Clinton
lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George W. Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said
'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided
to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front
row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're
having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.......
Bob one day decides to take up hunting, he buys himself a rifle and some ammo
and heads off into the wilds.
After about 40 minutes he spots a small bear, takes aim and fires, the bear
drops to the ground dead and Bob is delighted! He runs over to the bear to
admire his work and, as he's posing with one foot on the ex bear he feels a tap
on the shoulder.
Bob turns round to see a large bear standing behind him.
The bear says "What are you playing at? That's my cousin you've just shot.
What is your name?"
Bob is terrified! "Bob, my name is Bob, I'm really sorry"
"Well Bob, you've got two choices", says the bear, "either I maul you to death
or I use you for rough sex"
Seeing a way out Bob opts for "rough sex"
30 minutes later Bob, in complete agony is sobbing and clawing his way to his
car.
It takes him 3 weeks to recover and he decides to get his revenge by killing
the bear.
The next day in the wilds, Bob spots the bear and shoots him dead. He runs
over and, as he is sticking the boot into the the dead bear, he feels a tap on
the shoulder, and there, behind him, stands an even bigger bear!
"That's my brother you've just killed. You must be Bob, you bastard! You
know the score - death or sex!"
45 minutes later, screaming in agony, Bob is crawling back to the car.
After two months recovering Bob decides to kill the bear and, the very next
day, does just that.
As he's jumping up and down on the bear and laughing like a maniac he gets a
tap on the shoulder.
Bob turns to face the biggest bear he's ever seen!
The bear says "Let's face it Bob, you aren't here for the hunting!"
------------------------------------------
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating
agency...
A LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A politician was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to
her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming,
universal health care , or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet
a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse
produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know
shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
Subject: GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
It is good to know!!!
Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while
women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive
and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is
easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because
wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the
maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained since.
Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call
for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning
'help me' -- and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'
Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France , where tennis became popular, round zero
on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is
French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans
(mis)pronounced it 'love.'
Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to
read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X
represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The
X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else
called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an
item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was
to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of
dealing,he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.
Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a
toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an
enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink
was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his
drink into the glass of the host.. Both men would drink it simultaneously.
When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's
glass with his own.
Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the
limelight'?
A:Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses
and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant
light. In the theatre,a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of
attention.
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the
altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is
said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly
cares.
Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young
girl,Louis, King of France , learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.'
So he had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To
make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played,
Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked
this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long
run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is
pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.
Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of
a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of
this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter
misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it
caught on.
Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half
dollars have notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of
coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off
small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars
are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels
aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to
shave.
So there ! Now you know !
---------------------------------
Instrctions for Life:
Have a firm handshake.
Look people in the eye.
Own a great stereo system.
If in a fight, hit first and hit hard. (A very sane advice)
Keep secrets.
Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.
Always accept an outstretched hand.
Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
Whistle.
Avoid sarcastic remarks.
Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
When playing games with! children, let them win. (some times with others also)
Give people a second chance, but not a third.
Be romantic.
Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as
important as it first seems.
Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for your
convenience, not the caller's. (The call is an invitation to talk; not a
command.)
Be a good loser.
Be a good winner.
Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
Keep it simple.
Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the
same river.
Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to
acknowledge those who helped you.
Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few
minutes.
Once in a while, take the scenic route.
Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone thinks you're terrific.'
Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial
their job.
Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.
Become someone's hero.
Marry only for love. (It may be too late for some)
Count your blessings.
Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home. (Most of the time,
it works well at home too.)
Wave at the children on a school bus.
Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to
deal with people.
Subject: Fw: SHOULD THE UK ADOPT THE EURO?
A cross-section survey of 1000 people in Bradford , made up of
Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Bosnians,
Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians,
Russians,
Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians were asked if they
thought
Britain should change its currency to Euro.
99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
Other related posts:
