[guide.chat] Fw: What I've learned in 2012

From: "James Liddell" <james.liddell2@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: "Guide Chat" <guide.chat@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Thu, 5 Jul 2012 23:39:18 +0100
Here's another thought for the day from a minister friend...

Subject: Fwd: What I've learned in 2012 - so far!


 
 

As I look past to the year 2012, half way through, I want to thank all of you 
for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now 
and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the 
waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria 
on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has 
happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the 
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how 
many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a 
public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the 
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope 
that needs sealing.  ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for 
the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who 
is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their 
special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for 
me, and St. Theresa's Novena  will grant my every wish .

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice 
with my kidneys gone.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo 
on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an 
e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove 
toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial 
killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different 
types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave 
anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume 
sample and rob me.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the 
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to 
grab me as I bend over. 

 

 
AND LASTLY, I keep my toothbrush in the living room because I was told by 
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. 
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, 
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually 
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second 
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician. 

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A WONDERFUL DAY………….AND A HEALTHY LIFE……………
[guide.chat] Fw: What I've learned in 2012

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