[guide.chat] FW: Some are Oldens!

From: "elaine nutley" <e.nutley@xxxxxxx>
To: "Jane Balmforth" <janieb1958@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Debbie Berkinshaw" <darrenanddebi@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Ann Coleman" <m.acoleman@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Nicola Daley" <n_daly@xxxxxxxxxx>, "Mike Douel" <m.douel@xxxxxxx>, "Marion Foster" <marion331@xxxxxxxxxxx>, "Jenifer Furnell" <jenifer.furnell@xxxxxxxxx>, "bob griffiths" <bobgriff@xxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Guide Chat" <guide.chat@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Sally" <se.wooller@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Sheila And Brian" <bj.knight007@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Shirley Springett" <tripleckickerswdc@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Joyce Welsh" <jwelsh123@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, <young.g@xxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 2011 19:20:57 +0100

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at
the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' 
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is
me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy
answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come
home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
____________________________________________________________________________
_______________________
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and
bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have
had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it
was; but useless in a fight.'
________________________________________________________________________
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya
been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across
his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf.'
________________________________________________________________________
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'
____________________________________________________________________________
_______________________

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot
said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly.  "Last year we shot six.  The pilot let us
take them all and he had the same plane as yours." 

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on
full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. 

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
____________________________________________________________________________
________________
AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues
to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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[guide.chat] FW: Some are Oldens!

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