> >Conversation between the Creator and St Francis on the subject of > >lawns > > > >GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the > >world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the > >dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had > >a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any > >type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The > >nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey > >bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of > >colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles. > > > >FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The > >Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went > >to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. > > > >GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't > >attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. > >It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites > >really want all that grass growing there? > > > >FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it > >and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass > >and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. > > > >GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow > >really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. > > > >FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, > >they cut it -- sometimes twice a week. > > > >GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay? > > > >FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it > >in bags. > > > >GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? > > > >FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. > > > >GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it > >will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to > >throw it away? > > > >FRANCIS: Yes, Sir. > > > >GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we > >cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the > >growth and saves them a lot of work. > > > >FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass > >stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to > >water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. > > > >GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That > >was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees > >grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the > >summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural > >blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and > >bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the > >soil. It's a natural circle of life. > > > >FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn > >a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into > >great piles and pay to have them hauled away. > > > >GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in > >the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose? > > > >FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy > >something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it > >around in place of the leaves. > > > >GOD: And where do they get this mulch? > > > >FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the > >mulch. > > > >GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. > >Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you > >scheduled for us tonight? > > > >ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a real stupid movie > >about... > > > >GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from > >Frank. > > > > > _________________________________________________________________ Join the world's largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail. http://www.hotmail.com