Good morning Sadhana,
Love all that you have shared...it is still too chilly here to be sunbathing
so my chapeau is off to you. A good laugh first thing in the morning is a
blessing of the Gods. As we say here: "De todo corazon, gracias!" ( From a
whole heart Thank You!).
I wonder about your thought that "no one can teach it". Are we then born
knowing it? What happens that we forget it? How does amnesia set in? Curious
to know and appreciate I looked up *teach* and I find words like explain
how, give information about; instruction in; encourage someone to accept;
understand, by example; punishment to do or not to do; make someone less
inclined. The epistemology of the word is old English taecan [show, present,
point out] of Germanic origin; related to TOKEN; from an Indo-European root
share by Greek deiknunai 'show' and Latin dicere 'say'. I then reflected on
a recently read article on octagenarian Stanford professor René Girard an *
immorte*l of the Académie Française who puts forth the mimetic theory which
"emphasizes the role of imitation in our lives, as an effect and a behavior
and a motivation. Toddlers learn to talk by imitation, we learn a foreign
language by imitation." ( He also manifests it is the way we fight) Could we
then not learn ( be taught by) from our parents if they came to the world
loving self? We conceive our children with love and we generally receive
them with much love. What happens that when we parent them we often forget
that they are an expression of love? Is it that we forget who and what we
are? And, yes I am in total agreement that the worlds religions make it
their mission to remind us of our imperfection and that they and only they
are the only road to finding our perfection (read salvation).
Systemically I often see (experience) the missed expression of love between
parent and child. The phenomena that create this are as varied as the
flowers in one's garden. I ask myself often "How can I/we as facilitators
put forth some healing phrases to awaken these souls desperate for love to
its existence despite its tortured expression?" I have found the pair of
phrases: " I am sorry I am not the mother/father you needed" and "I am sorry
I am not the child you expected or needed" to be ice breakers and in some
cases healing per se. I would be very grateful for what you and others might
have found useful, healing, or soothing.
I am also beginning to believe that entanglements obfuscate an individual's
capacity to learn ( be taught) from his/her parents as well as impedes love
of self. It seems that the compunction to bring forth the excluded or to
undertake sacrifice or death for someone else forms a "shell" in which the
family conscience and that immutable need to belong overshadows all else.
So, there is a distancing of one from self. A disconnect that is promoted
and supported by the needs of the system above all else. Under these
conditions it appears to me not possible for an individual to learn love of
self. Do you or others share this sense of impossibility until such time as
there is an ecological disentanglement?
Thanks again Sadhana for initiating this thread and to all who have added
their perspectives or experiences. It is highly generative for me to examine
my own beliefs and experiences as well as to transport them onto a systemic
canvas to facilitate even more complete work.
Love to all,
Stephen
On Tue, Sep 8, 2009 at 05:08, Kay Needham <familyconstellationinfo@xxxxxxxxx
wrote:
Hi Stephen,
Yes it is true that no one has taught us how to love ourselves, and neither
can anyone teach it. So what the hell am I doing with all my attempts to
develop training programs? LOL............... I am so profound at times I
give myself the ______ and a few others too at times! What to do....that's
me.
"Teaching how to love", would be, to make the first movement that Hellinger
talks about in this little piece on "distance" following. Stephen the
problem is not that no one has taught us how to love. The problem is that
most of the worlds religions have been doing just that!
DISTANCE
I once demonstrated the difference between ego and self in a movement. For
ego, I brought my hands up from below and then stretched them out wide and
up to meet above my head. For self, I made the opposite, from the highest
tip to the space below.
Acknowledging What is - By Bert Hellinger
I don't know about you but I think it better to start from the highest tip
to the space below. To me the first movement represents lack of self love
and the second movement is representative of love of self, in this way love
leads; in the other ego leads. I have observed that many religions have a
secret dynamic. That dynamic says "you are not ok as you are and we will
save you." You are right most systems do not teach self love and neither
does religion as we have known it. We bring forward to our children all
that we have experienced. This is the movement "from the highest tip to the
space below." I like the image of children as empty space. In that space is
order. I like this short verse of Bert as well, from the same book above.
"Nobel Prize winner Gerd Binnig, in his book "Aus Dem Nichts (Out Of
Nothing), postulates the thesis that before evolution of material and
spirit, there must have been an evolution of space. Space arranges itself
symmetrically and the arrangements repeat themselves. A leaf is constructed
like a tree - every leaf is different, but each follows the same order.."
I suspect it is this order that holds all the answers all our questions. I
trust there is a remedy for this lack of self love and that is love the
self. My master Osho once said:
"My whole teaching can be condensed into these two words: Be yourself."
I only way I know to be that, is to continue, as you say with
self-discovery and growing awareness via meditative practice.
Thankyou for your beautiful sharing and insights.
Much love Sadhana
________________________________
From: Stephen Campbell <coachuno@xxxxxxxxx <coachuno%40gmail.com>>
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Tuesday, September 8, 2009 8:46:40 AM
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Parents
Good morning Sadhana,
Thanks for sharing the introductory section of the soul parenting program
you are developing. It has much for me to reflect on not for what has
already been; but, as I move forward in life with a keen desire to deepen
my
relationship with my children, without interfering in their lives with
advice, know how etc.; and to create one that is very different, simply
because of the "order of things", with my grandchildren.
In the cultural section of one of the leading newspapers here in Lima, Peru
there was a photo of Larry King interviewing the rap star Chris Jones. The
caption had a deep impact on me. Chris was saying, "Nobody teaches us how
to
love ourselves." This rang so profoundly not as an indictment of my parents
or theirs or so on up the ancestral ladder but more in my responsibility as
a parent and now a grandparent. I then reflected on it in terms of the work
I/we do. Most systems do not teach self love. Our own lack of self love or
love of self ( I am not sure, as write this, if they are the same. This I
need to ponder a bit..) is reflected, I believe, in our parenting style. As
we all know, no one gives us a parenting manual (although Dr. Spock was the
"Parenting Bible" for some). We bring forward to our children much, if not
all, of what we experienced. This then gets further molded by our partner's
experience of being parented and all that her/his system brings to the
parenting mix. Just as we say to ourselves I do not want to do be like my
mother or my father, we also utter I wont parent like I was parented and
yet
we invariably resort to similar patterns. Unless, we make a very concerted
and conscious effort to do it differently. I then ask myself, how do we
break the patterns without being disloyal to the system(s)? How do we step
outside of the systemic conscience, honor, respect and accept that which
has
come before and embark on a parenting which both honors ourselves and the
magnificence of those young souls we have been entrusted with as parents?
I believe the only way we can do this is if we have been taught (not often
the case) or self discover through a ton of therapy and work on self a deep
love of self. A respect for all that we are and all that we are not. An
acceptance of our own perfection in any given moment of time. Then and only
then do I believe we can parent with an approximation of unconditional
love.
Anything less and I think our love is conditioned on little Johnny or
little
Mary behaving in accord with a certain norm which many times we have not
put
much reflection into. It is just as it is or supposed to be so others don't
think ill of us. What kind of a world would we live in if we did not think
of our children as a reflection of ourselves? How many times have we asked
or required that our children to be or do something because we need to look
good in the eyes of others as "good" parents?
From a systemic point of view I ask myself how do we break out of a family
conscience, and facilitate others to possibly do the same, of "spare the
rod, spoil the child" without disrupting the system with possible
repercussions in future generations? Furthermore, without imposing our
views
or prejudices on those we serve in a Constellation?
And on a more personal note how can I, or even should I, remedy the lack of
self love or love of self to my children --now grown-- that I may have
imparted such that my grandchildren are fully supplied and have a fuller,
more harmonious experience of life? Can I simply leave it at raising my
children's awareness by acknowledging that I may not have taught them all I
now know? or is there more to do?
Thanks again Sadhana and others for giving me the impetus to look at the
question, with a deeper sense and purpose, that the caption " Nobody has
taught us to love ourselves" raised in light of your soul parenting
exploration.
Fondly,
Stephen
On Mon, Sep 7, 2009 at 01:34, Kay Needham <
familyconstellationinfo@xxxxxxxxx <familyconstellationinfo%40yahoo.com>
wrote:
At
Hi Stephen,
Thankyou for your sharing and your well chosen words from Kahil Gibran.
this time in my life such words are very healing as I am in transition of"one
letting go of attachment to my own son. How beautiful to see my son as
of Buddhas noble truths." Our children are the living ground for themeditating
creative future and percieving their movements positively holds space for
their flowering. Lately I am writing a "Soul Parenting program" and also
working upon a new article for "the knowing field." I have been
upon the impact of past upon parents and children and how this affectsour
ability to perceive soul movements in the present. The understandingsthat
family constellation work imbibe, provide a vast opportunity toincorportate
education about the orders of love and how love flows best in all aspectsof
community at large. Below is an introductory section to the soulparenting
program I am working on.even
"Past parenting has moved through many different modes and models of
behavior over the generations. When I was young it was a mode of small
children should be seen and not heard.
Corporal punishment was also a popular model among most educational,
domestic and judicial settings. The deliberate infliction of pain
administered to punish, for inappropriate or unacceptable behavior; was
more popular when my parents were kids, and more barbaric or cruel, theapproved
further back we go.
The Wikipedia free dictionary says of Corporal punishment.
The corporal punishment of minors within the home is still widely
by parents in the United States, but as of 2008 it has been legallybanned
in 23 countries. These bans are mostly of recent date. Corporalpunishment
in school is still legal in some parts of the world including about halfthe
state of the USA, but has been outlawed in others, including the whole ofin
Europe.
Whether we like it or not parenting and punishing seem to have gone hand
hand so far. The question of whether to punish or not puts us all inquite a
predicament. I mean as a parent how much time do you spend caught in theguide
inner polarity of your own personal conscience, while trying to teach,
or direct your kids safely through the jungle of life? Not only parentsand
children are caught up in this sphere of personal and collectivemotivation,
conscience. The whole of evolutionary psychology is colored by the same.
Genetics, attitude, social norms, behavioral controls, emotions,
and decisions are all affected by conscience.And
Whatever we do or dont do as parents is a direct consequence of
conscience. Each action executed as a parent is already pre planned,
directed and formulated in conscience well before it enters the present.
you thought you were in charge! Think again or better still learn not tothe
think for a few moments and discover a new way of loving.
Robert Ardrey in his book The Social Contract. A personal inquiry into
evolutionary sources of order and disorder 1970 says the following .not
As the womb is the cradle of the egg, so is society the cradle of the
individual in his life of experience that will reduce, display or enhance
the range of possibilities which accident originally commanded.
The cradle of society is made of conscience, and we as parents have a
great responsibility to become aware of that conscience. It is that
conscience that will destroy or create possibilities for greatness, in
only the life of your children, but in your own inherent greatness as a40gmail.com>>
parent. "
Many thanks, love and gratitude Sadhana
________________________________
From: Stephen Campbell <coachuno@xxxxxxxxx <coachuno%40gmail.com><coachuno%
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com><ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Monday, September 7, 2009 2:30:37 PMbrick
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Parents
Sadhana,
I am always reminded and as a parent and grandparent must remind myself
from
time to time of Kahil Gibran's quote:
"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of
Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and
though
they are with you yet they belong not to you."
It hurts to the core as a parent to see them ram head on into similar
walls. The tears you wipe from their faces seem saltier than your own.So,
you naturally want to help them avoid or to lessen the weight of life'sare
lessons forgetting that this is precisely how you learned, survived and
ultimately thrived..
As you well know that attachment to that which we think we created and
highly possesive of is one of the Buddha's Noble Truths and is the livingneeded
ground for untold suffering for all parties. As Osho so rightly says, "To
be
a parent is a great art." And great art flows from the heart and the soul
not the head.
Thank you for sharing this quote it is so relevant in the work we all do.
Fondly,
Stephen
On Sun, Sep 6, 2009 at 22:29, sadhana_needham <
familyconstellation info@yahoo. com> wrote:
The trouble with the family is that children grow out of childhood, but
parents never grow out of parenthood! Man has not yet learned that
parenthood is not something that you have to cling to forever. When the
child is a grown-up person your parenthood is finished. The child
itto
- he was helpless. He needed his mother, the father, their protection;but
when the child can stand on his own, the parents have to learn how tofrom
withdraw from the life of the child. And because parents never withdraw
the life of the child they remain a constant anxiety to themselves and
atheir children. They destroy; they create guilt; they don't help beyond
anycertain limit.
To be a parent is a great art. To give birth to children is nothing -
peopleanimal can do it; it is a natural biological, instinctive process. Togive
birth to a child is nothing great, it is nothing special; it is very
ordinary. But to be a parent is something extraordinary; very few
arespace.
really capable of being parents.
And the criterion is that real parents will give freedom. They will not
impose themselves upon the child, they will not encroach upon his
From the very beginning their effort will be to help the child to behimself
or to be herself. They are to support, they are to strengthen, they areto
nourish, but not to impose their ideas, not to give shoulds andshould-nots.
They are not to create slaves.effort
But that's what parents all over the world go on doing: their whole
is to fulfill their ambitions through the child.....
Excerpt taken from the book I AM THAT by Osho
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