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HAPPY DIVORCES
December 04, 2006
TWO YEARS AGO, when Lori Tricarico and her husband realized their 16-year
marriage was over, they agreed on one thing: Their divorce wouldn't get ugly.
"We have two daughters and our ultimate goal was to remain friendly," says the
40-year-old from Cumming, Ga.
So when Tricarico's lawyer told her about collaborative divorce -- a relatively
new procedure where both spouses and their attorneys meet and talk things
through with the goal of avoiding conflict and the courtroom -- the couple
decided to give it a try. Now, Tricarico says, they're both glad they did. "We
had great meetings," she says. "It really was good."
Good isn't a word you normally associate with the dissolution of a marriage.
And even though only 2% or so of divorces do end up in the courtroom -- most
are settled before they get that far -- reaching a settlement can be long,
expensive and unpleasant. In a traditional divorce, each side talks only to
his or her lawyer, and then the lawyers talk with each other. It's a system
that can easily deepen animosities, says Katherine Stoner, an attorney,
mediator and author of "Divorce Without Court: A Guide to Mediation and
Collaborative Divorce."
The goal of collaborative divorce is to avoid that. "In a collaborative
divorce, the decisions have to be made by the couple," Stoner says. The two
sides and their attorneys meet together and talk until they reach an agreement
everyone deems fair. They agree to provide all information -- such as
financial records -- voluntarily, rather than having their lawyers gather
evidence. As a result, collaborative divorce can be significantly less
expensive, Stoner says. Costs vary depending on the case, but while a typical
litigated divorce could run as high as $70,000, collaborative would be closer
to the $15,000 to $20,000 range.
Just how common is collaborative divorce? Because it is a relatively new
concept, it isn't yet available everywhere in the country. But that's changing
fast as more lawyers and financial advisors become aware of collaborative
divorce and go through the required training. "The growth in terms of trained
professionals has been exponential over the past five years," says Sue Hansen,
president of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP),
which provides the required training. She estimates there are now more than
10,000 collaborative professionals in the country.
But even as it becomes more common, collaborative divorce isn't the right
solution for all couples. Here's how to find out if it's right for you.
The Basics
The main premise of collaborative divorce is that the spouses end things
amicably and out of court. They do that through four-way meetings where the
spouses and their lawyers discuss what each person wants in terms of a
settlement. They even sign an agreement that they will not take matters to
court and if they do, are required to hire different lawyers.
The spouses can hire specialists to help with financial, parenting and
communications issues. If they have children, for example, a child specialist
will meet with the kids and help the parents develop a parenting plan. A
neutral financial expert is typically called in to help divide the assets
fairly. (To remain neutral, the expert is not allowed to manage assets, sell
investments or insurance, or have any other professional relationship with
either spouse before and after the divorce.) Finally, each spouse can hire a
coach -- a mental health professional trained to help spouses deal with
divorce-related emotions -- who can step in if communications get rowdy and
bring the process back on track.
"Everyone has the same goal -- to do this here, in this room, with this team,
and not take it to court," says Rebecca Pace, a Certified Divorce Financial
Analyst (CDFA), a designation given to financial planners trained in the
collaborative divorce method.
That's how things worked out for Tricarico, whose divorce was finalized within
four months of the first meeting. "It felt like not only you have an advocate
in your attorney, but the other attorney wasn't against you, either," she says.
Collaborative Failures
But that doesn't mean collaborative divorce always works out happily in the
end. Mark Hill, a CDFA in San Diego, recalls a couple he worked with as a
financial advisor. When he asked the wife how the first meeting with the
lawyers went, she simply said, "Well, I managed not to crawl across the table
and scratch his eyes out."
"There'd been an affair by the husband and she was so angry," Hill explains.
"And coming from such a place of entitlement because of that. She felt like 'He
betrayed me, he needs to pay financially.'" The process fell through and the
couple ended up in court.
Needless to say, collaborative divorce can be a waste of time when one or both
spouses feel seriously wronged. "When you're so furious with your spouse that
you can't look at them without wanting to assault them, how can you be
respectful?" Hill says.
Before you sit at the same table, be sure you're ready to listen and
compromise, says Sharyn Sooho, co-founder of DivorceNet.com, an online
community, and a divorce lawyer in Newton, Mass. "Some people think they're
going to be good candidates but all it does is provide them another forum for
fighting that can go on and on," she says.
The good news: These days, collaborative lawyers typically "screen" their ;
clients. They have predivorce meetings at which they explain the concept
clearly. Sooho estimates that less than 5% of collaborative cases actually
fail.
Choosing the Best Team
For their son's sake, Christopher Cole, a 36-year-old music producer in San
Diego, and his now ex-wife were dedicated to making collaborative divorce work.
But that wasn't the goal of his ex's first lawyer, who despite claiming to be
in collaborative law came to the table with an "us against them" approach. The
couple fired her and hired somebody actually recommended by the lawyer
representing Cole.
"It may not make sense, but you want to choose lawyers who have worked
together," Cole says. (We have changed his name at his request.) It feels
counterintuitive, he says, but it pays its dividends. "The process didn't do
anything to deepen our animosity," he says. "In fact, it had the opposite
effect."
In collaborative divorce, it's all about building the best team, says Pauline
Tesler, a collaborative lawyer in San Francisco, and author of the book
"Collaborative Divorce." She recommends that each person in the couple
interview several attorneys to find the ones they feel comfortable with. (Use
the IACP's database to find lawyers in your area.)
It's also important to find two lawyers who have a track record of working with
each other. "Even if they're representing opposite sides, they need to be able
to work effectively and help manage conflict if it arises," Tesler says.
That's also where coaches, whom each spouse chooses, come in. The coaches can
recommend a child specialist and the lawyers can recommend a financial
specialist.
For Mark Garrison, a 48-year-old company executive and his now ex-wife, a good
team proved indispensable from the very start. Even though the couple was
committed to parting ways with respect and with the least impact on their two
sons, Garrison (whose name we've changed) says his wife had a hard time
accepting the finality of their situation.
"Getting divorced was a hard decision," he says. "We were married for 18
years, we shared a life together and we had kids." With the help of their
coaches, the spouses were able to move past the emotional issues and eventually
reach a settlement that made both of them happy. "Our kids, at the end of the
day, realize that even though we're divorced, we still like each other," he
says.
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