Susan,
Great thoughts. When you wrote:
In Vancouver we have the joke that in the Collaborative process the lawyers
start to sound more like therapists.
it touched a chord for me. My dream is of the day when that is NOT a joke but
a reality. My goal is to support attorneys who wish to embrace that reality by
teaching basic listening skills and attitudes and coaching attorneys through
their development.
InJoy!
carlMichaelrossi
----- Original Message -----
From: Susan Gamache
To: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2002 2:13 AM
Subject: Re: [CollabLaw] client problem
on 19/3/02 3:20 PM, Kathleen M. Baird at kathbair@xxxxxxxxxx wrote:
Hello Kathy,
As a coach in the Vancouver group, I can think of three files in which the
wife was very uncomfortable being in the room with her husband. This is, of
course, where coaches can really help. In one case, ironically, the husband
is also a therapist and the wife felt really 'over-professionalled' in the
lawyer 4-ways - even though she has a PhD herself. So, I empathize with
your predicament.
There are two aspects of this I find interesting. The first is that she
feels she does well with him one-on-one. I would be very curious about
this, trying to bring to the surface the ways in which she feels OK about
their 1:1 conversations, what it is she trusts about him, what she thinks it
is about him and about her that makes it OK for them to talk on their own.
These can sound like 'unnatural' questions, but they sound something like,
"I notice that you feel OK about communicating with him on your own. What
is it about you/him/your relationship/etc., that makes it OK to do this.
(In Vancouver we have the joke that in the Collaborative process the lawyers
start to sound more like therapists. The opposite is also true - which we
therapists don't find nearly so amusing.)
The second thing I would be curious about is how the three of you can
intimidate her, when you are actually on her side. How is it that the power
she attributes to you does not result in her feeling protected. I would
assume that this is not about you, but rather about her experience of power.
At the same time, it presents a great opportunity to ask her what, if
anything, you could do differently (more of or less of) that would give her
the experience of the benefit of this perceived power, rather than to be
intimidated by it.
As a coach, I don't know how a lawyer only file would handle this. At any
rate, all the best.
Susan Gamache
>
> Dear All,
>
> I have a client who, after the first two four way meetings, refuses to meet
> in another four way face to face. She is adamant about having her and me
> communicate from my office via telephone speaker phone to her husband and
> his collab. counsel in the other counsel's office. My client reports that
> she is very unnerved by her husband's demeanor (cool and calm and
> business-like) which does not match his behavior outside of the four ways.
> She also feels intimidated by being in a room with "three powerful people".
> She cried during the last meeting and is afraid of that happening again.
> During the four ways she says the only way she can stay in the room is to
> leave mentally and that is apparent during the sessions. Therefore it is
> difficult for sessions to be productive. She does well one on one with
> husband parenting their children. She says that the only way she can fully
> participate in the negotiations is to not be in the same room with her
> husband. The parties do not have coaches, but there is a child specialist
> team member. My client has a therapist. I have spoken to her therapist,
> but she encouraged my client to stand her ground on the issue of attending
> four way meetings via telephone speaker phone. My collaborative colleague
> and I regret not getting coaches on board at the beginning. If we add
> coaches now, I am certain it will feel punative to my client. I have tried
> everything I can think of to empower her in this process. Pauline Tessler's
> book has several helpful suggestions. Nothing seems to be working. If I
> absolutely insisted, she would go, but that doesn't feel like a productive
> option. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
>
> Kathy Baird
> Attorney at Law
> 2300 N. Mayfair Rd., Suite 1070
> Wauwatosa, WI 53226
> 414-774-4490
> kathbair@xxxxxxxxxx
>
>
>
>
>
> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
> CollabLaw-unsubscribe@xxxxxxxxxxx
>
>
>
> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
>
>
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
ADVERTISEMENT
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
CollabLaw-unsubscribe@xxxxxxxxxxx
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
