Interesting - I see both points. I agree that we are not going to
always help a family become transformed into something positive and
setting unrealistic expectations is dangers. Sometimes, in my
experience, all we are doing is managing the damage an adversarial
process would likely cause because the couple is not receptive to
meaningful change within themselves or their family dynamic. But
Pauline qualifies what she says.
We are able, in an integrated team collaborative model, to facilitate a
transformation of the family system from one dysfunctional household, to
two households that can provide the highest quality parenting of the
children that this particular couple is willing to aspire to and capable
of achieving with skilled team support during the "opening" that is the
flip side and silver lining of the suffering of a divorce.
The couple may not be willing to aspire too high or at all. And they
may not be capable even if given the support. The family is going to be
transformed from one household into two. It then just becomes a
question of the quality any given couple can achieve.
My thoughts anyway.
Darcy A. Shoop, Attorney At Law
Stein, Sperling, Bennett, De Jong,
Driscoll & Greenfeig, P.C.
25 W. Middle lane,
Rockville, MD 20850
(301) 838-3228 direct telephone
(301) 354-8128 direct facsimile
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________________________________
From: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [mailto:CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On
Behalf Of Douglas J. Sanderson
Sent: Thursday, January 29, 2009 5:05 PM
To: CollabLaw@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [CollabLaw] ENJOY! (How High Should We Set the Bar?)
I'd like to discuss the following excerpt from Pauline's email of 1/28:
The real virtue of the process is the transformed understanding
of what goals professional services in a divorce can help a
couple/family aspire to and achieve, and from that perspective CP is
different in kind, not just degree, from what's preceded it.
We are able, in an integrated team collaborative model, to
facilitate a transformation of the family system from one dysfunctional
household, to two households that can provide the highest quality
parenting of the children that this particular couple is willing to
aspire to and capable of achieving with skilled team support during the
"opening" that is the flip side and silver lining of the suffering of a
divorce.
I love the idea of collaborative divorce as a way, as the article
stated, to keep people out of court if they can play nice enough to
accomplish that. However, I feel that to expect the parties to
"facilitate a transformation of the family system" is setting the bar
way too high. More to the point, while it is certainly a noble
aspiration, to extoll that outcome as "the real virtue of the process"
is to set the bar WAY too high. These are people, let's not forget, who
come to us because they (or one of them) can no longer live with one
another; obviously there are major issues of dynamics and/or not seeing
their issues in the same perspective.
I fear that by setting the bar as high as Pauline suggests for what the
process is designed to do, "the perfect can become the enemy of the
good." I.e., if the parties do not accomplish a transformation away from
their dysfunctionality, then the process failed! Yet that need not be
the case. Shouldn't we aim for the possible, before expressing as an
objective the maximum?
Obviously I'd vote yes to that question.
-- -- --
Douglas J. Sanderson
McCandlish & Lillard, P.C.
11350 Random Hills Road, Suite 500
Fairfax, Virginia 22030-7429
Telephone: (703) 934-1122
Facsimile: (703) 352-4300
email: dsand@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
www.mccandlaw.com
On Jan 28, 2009, at 1:06 PM, Gary Direnfeld wrote:
Hi Pauline,
You provide an eloquently stated reply to the newspaper article.
I agree with you full-heartedly. However and unfortunately, I wonder if
the media is fully capable of conveying that message. Hence I belive it
then it comes to us practitioners to convey those messages so that this
practice seeps into the collective consciousness of the population at
large.
Typically, the best promotion of Collaborative Practice is
exemplary service and client satisfaction. As such it behooves us all to
continually strive to be top on our game.
In the meantime, still good press.
Best,
Gary
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Interaction Consultants and I Promise Program Inc.
20 Suter Crescent,
Dundas, Ontario, Canada L9H 6R5
(905) 628-4847
gary@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:gary%40yoursocialworker.com>
Parenting: www.yoursocialworker.com
Teen safe driving: www.ipromiseprogram.com
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker and expert on matters of
family life. Courts in Ontario, Canada, have deemed Gary an expert on
child development, parent-child relations, marital and family therapy,
custody and access recommendations, social work and an expert for the
purpose of giving a critique on a Section 112 (social work) report.
Services include counselling, mediation, assessments, assessment
critiques and workshops. Go to his website to read his many articles and
view clips of television and radio appearances: www.yoursocialworker.com
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