[cinci_dads] toddler diet
- From: "christine herforth" <christine@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <cinci_dads@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Fri, 26 Apr 2002 22:16:18 -0400
The Toddler Diet
You folks with toddlers should relate to this one!
Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The
trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat
(the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the
liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit
after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after
it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and
tell your friends you have a gland problem?
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the
years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds
are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a
carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and
distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is
inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity.
Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with
your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward.
Good luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape
jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest
on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over
your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat
Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the
kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable
dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful
of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take
outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until
it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up
your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes;
eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with
fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other
pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker
from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your
best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and
slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red
punch.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of
soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes,
add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and
feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave
meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
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