Hi Roger and all,
I guess I should have been a little more precise. When I wrote about shaming
people, I meant to say that by telling people that what they can't do, or by
telling people the same thing over and over again without thinking about
what their problems might actually be, and so forth, one will almost
inevitably embarrass and shame them, even if one is not intending to.
Also, by giving my list of what I do when helping others and what I
appreciate others doing or not doing, I was trying to help us all focus on
how to accomplish what we want to with respect to assisting others. I don't
think it is a question of being guilty or not guilty of any specific
behavior, but of focusing on following practices that can minimize
embarrassing and shaming those who need help.
Best,
Sylvie
----- Original Message -----
From: "Roger Loran Bailey (Redacted sender "rogerbailey81" for DMARC)"
<dmarc-noreply@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: <blind-democracy@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sent: Monday, June 06, 2016 12:50 PM
Subject: [blind-democracy] Re: helping others
I am going to have to admit that I may have been guilty of some of the
admonitions you mention here. In the recent incident that brought this
up I really did not know what the problem was and so I was just throwing
out suggestions that amounted to not much more than guesses. In other
words, I was blundering about and that fact alone makes me somewhat
guilty of some of these gaffs. It might have been better if I had waited
until I had some real understanding of what the problem actually was.
The trouble with that is that I still don't entirely understand what the
problem actually was. But as I was reading your post I did recognize
myself in the use of the word easy. Okay, I do that now and then. I
suppose I will have to watch myself on the use of that word. I will say,
though, that I have never shamed anyone for not understanding something.
On 6/6/2016 8:02 AM, S. Kashdan wrote:
Hi Roger and all,
I have often needed help from others in accomplishing various tasks, and I
have often given help to others
in accomplishing various tasks. Here are some things I think valuable to
keep
in mind, based on my experiences both receiving and giving assistance.
1. Almost no one likes to be told that the thing they are having
difficulty
with is really easy. I certainly don't appreciate being told that, and I
have found that most others don't appreciate it either.
So, it is a good idea to avoid telling someone that the thing they are
having difficulty with is really easy.
If it was or is easy for you at a particular time in life, be grateful,
and
understand that doesn't mean that it would b easy
for someone else at any specific time. Sometimes people find some tasks
difficult at one point in their lives and easier later on, and sometimes
people find specific tasks easy at one point in their lives and more
difficult later on. It is helpful to show respect for others by
not shaming them about the thing they are challenged about. I certainly
don't say that something is difficult for me to accomplish lightly, and I
have found that most other adults don't say that lightly either. So, it is
important to take someone at their word when they say that they are
challenged by a specific task, even if you believe that it is something
that
is easy to do.
2. If you want to help, it is important to listen carefully to what the
person says about their
difficulty, and ask clarification questions if necessary, before beginning
to offer assistance. If one doesn't listen
carefully, and ask questions about the parts of the person's explanation
that puzzle one, one can't really know what the difficulty actually is. I
definitely
don't appreciate help that is offered which is not based on directly
responding to my description of my problem, and which doesn't take my
specific
challenges into consideration. And, I have found that clarification
questions can often inform me about aspects of the problem that make
finding
a solution easier than it would otherwise be. Clarification questions can
be
part of helping the challenged person think about the problem in ways that
may help too.
3. Before offering any specific advice, it is important to ask if the
person
has tried A, B or C. It isn't helpful to offer advice that has already
proven unhelpful to a person. If a person has not been able to use some
specific advice in the recent past, offering it again won't be seen as
helpful. It
may very well be seen as disrespectful even if the person trying to help
doesn't mean it that way. And trying to follow the same advice or
instructions several times can be very disheartening and frustrating and
lead to total discouragement... Alternative ways of helping are what is
called for, either by providing instructions in an alternative way, adding
or subtracting specific steps for accomplishing a task, or figuring out a
different way to help beyond giving those old instructions.
4. If the person is unsuccessful in following any advice you have to
offer,
figure out if you can help solve the problem by taking care of the task
for
them yourself. After several tries many people, including me, may very
well
feel dispirited and
discouraged. If someone can complete a challenging task for me or another
challenged individual, I have found that it may be possible
for me or others to learn how to deal with it in the future when under
less
stress and
less embarrassed. I have learned to do many computer tasks, but not
immediately and not by being shamed into learning. I have learned by
having
some things set up for me and then gradually using different methods
recommended to accomplish specific tasks. I have also taught other blind
adults to use the computer in the same way.
If we want offers of help to empower rather than humiliate, we need to
keep
in mind that the vast majority of people want control over their own lives
and want assistance that can help them accomplish that. And the people
being
helped are the ones who need to determine the specifics of what that help
will be, not the person or people who try to help.
For justice and peace,
Sylvie
