Dear Valerie,
I read somewhere that "Laughter is the best medicine," so here is some
medicine for Doug. I understand he is on a respirator in the ICU, so
none of these are "laugh out loud" jokes. They are just the sort that
might make you nod your head, maybe smile a little bit, and think,
"Oh, cute," or "Yeah, that's a good one."
What did the light bulb say to the switch?
You turn me on.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
If a zombie walked right past you after screaming "Brains!" ...
should you be offended?
I love reunions.
They're so old school.
Cutting onions doesn't make me cry.
I became indifferent to their suffering years ago.
I'll never forget what the Grandfather said before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Well, to be Frank ...
I'd have to change my name.
I can keep a secret.
It's the people I tell that can't.
If we only use 10 percent of our brains,
what do we do with the other 62 percent?
Why did the cowboy get a dachsund?
To get a long little doggie.
Never swallow a keyboard.
You'd suffer irritable vowel syndrome.
Save the whales.
Collect the whole set.
I bought a donkey.
I thought I'd get a kick out of it.
In the room, the curtains were drawn
but the rest of the furniture was real.
Did you hear the one about the jump rope?
Skip it.
Today is Skeptics Day.
I don't believe it.
What do you call James Bond in a bath?
"Bubble 07."
What do you call a snobbish criminal coming down the stairs?
A condescending con, descending.
What does a pessimistic rooster say?
"Cock-a-doodle-don't."
Where do geologists go for a good time?
Rock concerts.
What did the policeman say to his stomach?
You're under a vest.
Why did the cucumber call 911?
It was in a pickle.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Which day is stronger, Sunday or Monday?
Sunday. Monday is a weekday.
What do you call a man who inherits a Dairy farm?
A Dairy heir.
Why is Christmas like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
A bee keeper moved into my neighborhood.
It's creating quite a buzz.
A nun, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
I'm paranoid and needy. I think people are talking about me ...
just not enough.
What do Snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine?
Nobody knows, but whatever it is, it knits its own sweaters.
I was going to buy a book about phobias...
But I was afraid it wouldn't help me.
What weapon is most feared by Knights in Shining Armor?
A can opener.
You don't like the holes in Swiss cheese?
No problem. Eat around them.
I ran into the screen door last night.
Just another fine mesh I got myself into.
Do you know why cranberries are red?
Because they saw the turkey dressing.
My new job as a roller coaster technician is going pretty well.
It has its ups and downs, though.
Headline: Cartoonist found dead at home. Details are sketchy.
I made an Amnesia machine.
I forget where I put it.
What do Snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine?
Nobody knows, but whatever it is, it knits its own sweaters.
I was going to buy a book about phobias...
But I was afraid it wouldn't help me.
What weapon is most feared by Knights in Shining Armor?
A can opener.
You don't like the holes in Swiss cheese?
No problem. Eat around them.
I ran into the screen door last night.
Just another fine mesh I got myself into.
Do you know why cranberries are red?
Because they saw the turkey dressing.
My new job as a roller coaster technician is going pretty well.
It has its ups and downs, though.
Headline: Cartoonist found dead at home. Details are sketchy.
I made an Amnesia machine.
I forget where I put it.
