atw: Feeling sick? Blame your computer!
- From: "beadle whitehead" <beadle580@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: austechwriter@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Tue, 23 Dec 2003 04:51:18 +0530
This is from Dave Barry , a columnist and comedy writer in the USA. Do not
take this advice too seriously. (copyright remains with Dave Barry and so
on). Check his website for more funnies, and some that are really quite
serious.
Feeling sick? Blame your computer!
DAVE BARRY, Miami Herald, Sun, Dec. 14, 2003
It's time once again for Keyboard Korner, the computer-advice column that
uses simple, ''jargon-free'' terminology that even an idiot like you can
grasp; the column that shows you how to ''take command'' of your personal
computer, if necessary by reducing it to tiny smoking shards with a hatchet.
Today on Keyboard Korner we will address a very important topic: computer
security. If you own a computer, or have touched a computer, or have ever
shaken hands with somebody who might have touched a computer, you need to
take precautionary measures NOW. Because modern cyberspace is not the
friendly, open, trusting, safe place it was back in February. Modern
cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such
as ''viruses,'' ''worms,'' ''Trojan horses'' and ''licensed Microsoft
software'' that can take over your computer and render it useless.
This is exactly what happened last summer when the ''SoBig'' virus infected
computers around the world, causing millions of computer users to be
completely cut off from the Internet during what turned out to be a critical
phase in the relationship of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Fortunately,
most of these computer users were able to resume monitoring the situation by
turning on their televisions. But precious minutes were lost.
If you want to prevent a similar tragedy from happening to you, you should
immediately take the following steps to protect your computer from viruses:
1. Determine what version of operating system your computer uses, and
write
this information on a piece of paper. If you don't know how to determine
the version, just write down ``Version 2.038.''
2. Now write down the numbers and expiration dates of all your credit
cards.
3. Now mail this information, along with your mother's maiden name, to
WARNING WARNING DELETE DELETE
Whoa! That was a close one! A computer virus just attempted to take over the
Keyboard Korner column WHILE YOU WERE READING IT. That's how sophisticated
these darned things have become!
And that's why it is so important that you take certain simple, basic steps
to protect your computer. To determine what these steps are, Keyboard
Korner called the Association of Technical Support Personnel Who Actually
Understand Computers, where, after a brief wait, we were connected with a
cheerful, knowledgeable and sympathetic recorded message informing us that
we would be kept on hold until the sun was a cold dark cinder the size of a
walnut.
So we decided to do our own research into computer security, and here's what
we learned: There is a Nigerian businessman, Mr. John Ombmwlbmle, who has
come into possession of $285 million in cash, and he needs to give 35
percent of it to somebody, and out of all the people on the planet earth, he
has chosen Keyboard Korner! All we had to do is send him some banking
information and samples of our signature! So pretty soon we will be on
''Easy Street'' and won't have to write this stupid computer advice column
for you losers, so ha ha ha!
But in the meantime, here are some simple, basic steps that you can take to
make your computer secure:
1. GET RID OF TEENAGERS -- Teenagers are a major cause of computer trouble,
because they think they're so smart, and they're always messing with things
and changing things and installing things and swapping songs and downloading
disgusting porno filth that they refuse to share with their parents. To
prevent this from happening to you, get a good anti-teenager program such as
Teen-B-Gone, which causes the computer, when booted up, to play, at full
volume, a video of Mr. Barry Manilow singing his rousing hit number
Copacabana. NOTE: Teen-B-Gone is a complex program; to install and
configure it properly, you will need the help of a teenager.
2. CHECK FOR INCOMING ELECTRICITY -- One factor common to many computer
viruses is that, in order to function, they require electricity. Get down
on your hands and knees and crawl under your desk; do you see a wire going
from the computer to the wall? If so, chances are that -- unbeknownst to you
-- this wire is bringing electricity directly into your house from a massive
''power grid'' that is also connected to prisons, crack houses, municipal
sewage facilities, porno filth stores, etc. Yank it out. (The wire, we
mean.) Then curl into a foetal position and REMAIN UNDER THE DESK, because
there are new computer viruses out there now that can travel through the air
and bypass your computer entirely and enter your brain via your dental
fillings. Keyboard Korner can feel it happening right now.
_________________________________________________________________
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