[adeel420] Re: XXX Chilly Taster
- From: Mohammed Shaqeel <mshaqeel@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: adeel420@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sat, 5 Oct 2002 19:56:29 +0100 (BST)
rofl man, very cool.
--- Sean Randall
<Shwatscoff@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote: >
> ROFLROFLROFL! HOW'S THIS, THEN?
> CHILLY!
> CHILI TASTER
>
> Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named
> FRANK, who was visiting Texas
> from the East Coast:
>
> "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at
> a chili cook-off. The
> original person called in sick at the last moment,
> and I happened to be
> standing
> there at the judge's table asking directions to the
> beer wagon when the call
> came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
> Texans) that the chili
> wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told
> me I could have free beer
> during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
> scorecards from the event:
> Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
> kick.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
> could remove dried paint
> from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's
> the
> worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
> Jalapeno tang.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
> to be taken seriously.
>
> FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
> sure what I am supposed
> to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
> who wanted to give me
> the
> Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> when they saw the look on
> my face.
>
> Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
> Needs more beans.
>
> JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use
> of red peppers.
>
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
> My nose feels like I have
> been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> now, get me more beer
> before
> I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
> backbone is in the front
> part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all
> the beer.
>
> Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
>
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> Disappointing.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
> side dish for fish or other
> mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
> but was unable to taste
> it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally,
> the bar maid, was standing
> behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is
> starting to look HOT,
> just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
> freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
> tomato. Must admit the
> cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
> forehead and I can no
> longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
> behind me needed paramedics.
> The
> contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> chili had given me brain
> damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it
> from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
> It really pisses me off
> that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks!
>
> Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
> Good balance of spice and
> peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
> onions, and garlic.
> Superb.
>
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
> with gaseous, sulfuric
> flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried
> it will eat through the
> chair.
> No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> slut Sally, she must be
> kinker than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
> need to wipe my ass
> with
> a snow cone!
>
> Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance
> on canned peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
> threw in a can of chili
> peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am
> worried about Judge
> Number
> 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> cursing uncontrollably.
>
> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
> pin, and I wouldn't
> feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye,
> and the world sounds like
> it
> is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> chili which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
> lava-like shit to match my
> damn shirt.
> At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed
> me. I've decided to
> stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
> getting any oxygen
> anyway.
> If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4
> inch hole in my stomach.
>
> Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
> chili, safe for all, not
> too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
> chili, neither mild nor hot.
> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
> Number 3 passed out, fell
> over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
> himself. Not sure if he's going
> to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have
> reacted to a really hot
> chili?
>
> FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was
> unable to report)
>
>
>
=====
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