<USS Meridian> =/\= Prayers for Strength =/\=
- From: HotSheep4U@xxxxxxx
- To: ussmeridian@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Fri, 20 Jan 2006 00:28:14 EST
=/\= Prayers for Strength =/\=
by The Armstrongs
Walking her husband to their quarters, Marnie wished that she could give up
and let someone else be strong for her. Well, she told herself, God is strong
for me, if I'll just depend on that Power greater than myself. And I've got
to. She added a silent prayer for strength, for healing for Caden and Davey,
and for peace for Zak.
The door opened with a soft swoosh, and she propelled Caden into the main
room of their quarters. She'd given Ship's Services her consent to come in and
clean, after the tutor had perished in here, and the place still had a faint
whiff of water-scented disinfectant.
On the other hand, all Caden could smell was the scent of death in the room.
He froze when it penetrated his nostrils, his face white as a sheet. Then
green. He ran to the bathroom in their quarters and heaved acid into the sink.
His wife paused at the replicator to code manually for a hypo of medication,
then followed. "Cade..." she said softly, standing in the doorway.
Caden was hunched over the sink. His stomach had been empty save for the
natural acids that are manufactured there. He took a handful of water from the
sink and rinsed his mouth out. "The smell of death is in there, Marn. We can't
stay," he told her, looking into the mirror.
"It's your mind working overtime, love," she murmured, and applied the hypo.
It was a low dose of anti-nausea medication coupled with an equally low dose
of a relaxant. Just enough to give him a chance to relax on his own, she
hoped. "If there's time, we can ask for a change of quarters. But there's a war
on, and we need to be rested to fight the good fight."
He was still looking in the mirror at her. "I don't care about that," he
said.
Marnie put her arms around him from behind and turned her head to rest one
cheek against his back. "I'm afraid we haven't a choice," she told him firmly.
"It's fight or die, and we are not Called yet."
"And if I choose to be?" he asked. "What then?"
"Oh, Cade, I'm no Sorter..." She guided him out of the bathroom and toward
the bed, to sit on the edge. "I can't answer your questions, love, not these
questions. I can only be with you and share strength between us." Tears formed
in her eyes, and she tried to blink them away. "I've lost, too, Cade. I've
had to say goodbye to the child I carried in my body, the boy for whom I
traveled alone the bright ways to bring back his spirit from the Presence.
Heaven
help me, I know he's God's and not ours to keep, but still it hurts..."
And for the first time, since Zak had been Called, Caden came out of himself
and turned to his wife. "God help me, Marnie," he said as he started to cry.
"I want him back. It isn't right that he pay for what we chose to do."
Her arms went around him, and together they sobbed and wept. ~~You know it
goes against my upbringing to question God,~~ she said silently as she ran out
of sobs but still couldn't get her throat to form words. ~~But He knows I've
questioned Him constantly, these last few days. And the only answer is...
Love.~~
"I don't understand it a bit," she admitted in a hoarse whisper.
"I don't either," he said. "I wasn't brought up to question, either, but
it's all I have," he said. "I'm angry, and hurt," he sobbed. "It should have
been me, not Zak."
"All I can think is that we've got something yet to do in this life," Marnie
sighed. "Maybe to do with babies unborn..." she put his hand on her belly,
"or perhaps some we haven't even thought of yet? I don't know. Why some and
not others? Why are children Called at all? Do we ever understand God's
reasons
for the things He does?"
He shook his head. "There isn't anything so important that could justify
taking Zak over me," he said. "Nothing," he repeated.
"How about because I need you?" Marnie wailed. "Because I'm devastated over
losing my son, but I'd be completely useless if I lost you..."
"But you're stronger than me," he said. "You have your faith. You'd have
your sons to help you get through," he sobbed.
"No..." She could only shake her head helplessly. "Caden Armstrong, if you
think I'd ever get over losing you, you're out of your mind. Haven't we been
together since we were practically babies?" She was still crying, but began
undressing him; she'd force him into his pyjamas if necessary.
He held on to her tightly. "Of course we have, and that is part of the
reason why. Because I still love you as much now as I did when we were
teeners,"
he said. "You're going to blame me for this," he said. "I don't want you to but
you will," he sobbed. "You're going to deny it, but eventually, after we
have started to move on with our lives again, you're going to blame me. How
you
look at me will change," he said. "In death, you wouldn't blame me, or
yourself. You'd take the children and go back home." He sobbed heavily as he
sat
there on the bed. He reached for his wife's hand but found nothing. Nothing
but
a woven bed cover.
She brought the nightclothes, and pushed him back so he was lying down, legs
still dangling over the side of the bed. Wordlessly, she got him into his
pyjama trousers, then shucked her own uniform and slid into a nightie. It was a
moment's thought to turn down the bed and get them both into it, her arms
wrapped around him, her head resting on his chest. "Praise the Power, the Name,
and the Presence," she began her whispered prayer.
It sounded so hollow to him. "We say those words... who would take our son
away," he said scornfully. "It doesn't sound hollow to you, too, though, does
it?" he asked flatly.
Marnie went on as if she hadn't heard him, "Dear God, please give us
strength and courage in this trying time, and help us to be strong for others.
Give
us understanding and wisdom so we don't feel the need to question Your
choices. Grant us peace, and watch over all of our children and our families.
Keep
them safe and well and happy. Amen."
"Amen," he echoed. His mind was a jumble of thoughts and emotions. Anger,
fear, fatigue. "I don't understand," he sobbed. "It isn't right."
She touched his face with gentle fingertips. "Remember with me," she
murmured. "Remember Festival..."
The memory she chose was from the year she was nine, the first year she'd
joined in the rituals of their People's ancient holiday to honor the dead.
Joining the Group lifting skyward at dawn...
Caden slipped into the memory with her. Recalling the sun on his face as
they lifted into the sky. He heard the ancient songs being sung and a mix of
joy
and sadness in the words.
"We are sad because they are no longer with us," a voice explained -- not to
Marnie, but in a thread of memory within memory, much longer ago than her
own childhood. "But they are in the Presence and don't need our tears. All is
bright there..."
And the memory shifted... she was treading softly and slowly down a long
corridor filled with light. At the end... she could not see faces, but only
hear
voices. Laughing, speaking words of joy and contentment... as a squirming
child, blanket-wrapped, was placed in her arms and she lifted from the floor,
moving toward home with her new son...
Tears ran from Caden's eyes as he relived the memories. He shook himself out
of the memory. "I know he's Home," he wept. "I know it here," he pointed to
his head. "But here," pointing to his heart, "here, I know he's not where he
should be," he said. "I want him home with us," he said. "I need him here
with us," he wailed.
Marnie was weeping again, too. She was overtired, overwrought, and couldn't
possibly fall asleep normally. But they both needed to sleep, and she'd
likely be called back to duty in just a few hours, even if she kept Caden on
medical leave. "We've got to sleep," she said, her voice coming out in a sob at
the end.
He looked at his wife. "I can't sleep," he said.
"I could give you a sedative," she told him, "but I'd rather not. Can you
follow me into sleep, if I induce it in myself? Or should I sleep you like I
did
Davey?" She couldn't unless he let her; he wasn't a child, and she didn't
have the Gift to force sleep -- or anything else, for that matter -- on an
adult.
"I can't," he said. "I haven't slept for more than a few minutes in days,"
he said. "I can't sleep," he repeated.
"You'll have to, if I have to beat it into you," said Marnie. "Here..." One
thing she could do, was to mesh her mind tightly into his. ~~Let go, Cade.
Mesh and let go, I'll do the work this time..."
He tried to unfocus his mind but was really to tired to do so. He couldn't.
He shook his head after a few minutes of trying.
Her prayer this time was silent, as Marnie reached deep within herself for
an answer... and found one. A new Persuasion, an ability that slowly grew and
blossomed in her mind. "Sleep," she whispered to Caden, and took him with her
into slumber. It might last only a few hours, but it was better than nothing.
=/\=
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