[triadtechtalk] OT Friday...early :-)
- From: DBCfour@xxxxxxx
- To: triadtechtalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Thu, 15 Nov 2001 23:08:24 EST
CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE=20
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace=20
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What=20
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every=20
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor=20
pantyhose hung sadly empty. =20
One year, I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and=20
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at=20
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been=
=20
in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there a=
n=20
hour saying things like, "What does this do? " "You're kidding me! Who woul=
d=20
buy that? " =20
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a=20
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my=
=20
truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. =20
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different=20
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do=20
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable=20
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"=20
took a huge leap of imagination. =20
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.=
=20
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning=20
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose=20
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank wha=
t=20
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. =20
I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother=
=20
called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had=20
made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to=
=20
walk away, then come back and bark some more. =20
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of t he=
=20
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas=20
dinner. =20
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the=20
hell is that?=E2=80=9D she asked. =20
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." =20
"Who would play with something like that? " Granny snapped. I had several=20
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. =20
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. =20
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her int=
o=20
the dining room. =20
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" =20
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no on e=
=20
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang=20
on!=E2=80=9D =20
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and=
=20
said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay'=
s=20
friend. =20
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not=
=20
just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this migh=
t=20
be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. =20
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who=20
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that=20
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she=20
lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap i=
n=20
front of the sofa. =20
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran=
=20
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth=20
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. =20
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. =20
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. =20
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide=20
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from=
=20
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder=
=20
drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. =20
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa=20
still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
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