[lit-ideas] WEEK AT THE GYM; ONE MAN'S STORY -
- From: Andy Amago <aamago@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 21:07:09 -0400 (GMT-04:00)
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into regular workout
routine.
Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local gym for me. Although I am still in great shape
since my track and field days some 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the gym and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Diana,
who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to
get started! The gym encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Diana waiting for me. She is
something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, seductive eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!! Diana gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She
took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill and was alarmed that it was
so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her bulging gym top and
shorts. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Diana was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time
she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Diana made
me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -then she put weights
on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Diana's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new
life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I ran over
the gym manager in the parking lot. Diana was impatient with me, insisting that
my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for me
this early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so she put me on
the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Diana told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life.
Thursday:
Diana was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel
lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour
late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Diana took me to work out with
dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the locker room. She sent
Kevin to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I
sank.
Friday:
I hate that Diana more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. Stupid, masochistic, little gym-jock. If
there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat
her with it. She wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in
the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on the nutrition advisor. Why couldn't it
have been someone big and soft, like an ice-cream salesman or a fireman?
Saturday:
Diana left a message on my answering machine in her grating, whining voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash
the machine with my sneakers. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose
a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a colonoscopy.
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