"Today I'll teach you to masturbate" Khiron, to Achilles. FROM HOMERIC TO HOMOEROTIC VIA HOMOSOCIAL TO AUTOEROTIC We are discussing Martial's epigrams. I wrote they were "tr. by Mr. Ker, barrister-in-law, etc." "Is his first name 'Wan'? I may know him." Well, he went by "Wan" but his real name is WALTER C. A. KER, M. A. sometime scholar of Trinity College, Cambridge of the Inner Temple, Barrister-at-Law. And he provides his address (1919) as being 7 Fig Tree Court, TEMPLE He writes: "Quintilian seems to have advised Martial to take up a profession, perhaps the bar, but Martial preferred, as he says, to make the most of life while he could." Ker refers to "Pereunt et imputantur" ---- Martial is well loved ''' above all for that tender sigh for the shortness of mortality, which has framed a thousand dials, and has from the Temple walls reminded many a generation of lawyers of the fleeting hours." -- Oddly, when Ker found an epigram too bad for a lady to hear (never a male, 'indecency', he tells us, is 'fashionable with summi et gravissimi viri') he uses a translation by GIUSPANIO GRAGLA (London, 1791). One goes PONTICE QVOD NVMQVAM FVTVIS SED PAELICE LAEVA UTERIS ET VENERI SERVIT AMICA MANUS HOC NIHIL ESSE PUTAS SCELUS EST MIHI CREDE SED INGENS QUANTUM VIX ANIMO CONCIPIS IPSE TUO. NEME SEMEL FUTUIT GENERARET HORATIUS UT TRES MARS SEMEL UT GEMINOS ILIA CASTA DARET OMNIA PERDIDERANT SI MASTURBATUS UTERQUE MANDASSET MANIBUS GAUDIA FOEDA SUIS IPSAM CREDE TIBI NATURAM DICERE RERUM ISTUD QUOD DIGITIS PONTICE PERDIS HOMO EST. I append the translation PMDG -- a Latin assignment at school PONTICE QVOD NUMQUAM FUTUIS SED PAELICE LAEVA Ponticus, you only f*ck your fist. AMICA MANUS SERVIT UTERIS ET VENERI That complaisant left hand is your sole mistress. HOC NIHIL ESSE No big deal, you say? CREDE INGENS EST PUTAS SCELUS Believe me pal, it's a major crime. QUANTUM VIX ANIMO CONCIPIS IPSE TUO More than you can imagine. HORATIUS FUTUIT SEMEL Horatius fucked just once UT GENERARET TRES and sired three sons; MARS SEMEL Mars did the same, UT CASTA ILIA DARET GEMINOS and Ilia bore twins. OMNIA PERDIDERANT SI MASTURBATUS UTERQUE If either guy had jerked off in his hand, MANDASSET MANIBUS GAUDIA FOEDA SUIS Down the drain with natural increase! IPSAM CREDE TIBI NATURAM DICERE RERUM Mother Nature is displeased. She chides you: PONTICE QVOD NUMQUAM FUTUIS SED PAELICE LAEVA The sticky stuff that's dripping from your fingers is a human being, Ponticus. Now the Italian, O, Pontico, il perche tu mai immembri, ma usi l'adultera tua sinistra, e l'amica mano serve a Venere, pensi tu che cio sa niente? E una sceleragine, credimi, ma si grande e tale, che appena tu stesso la concepisci nell'animo tuo. In fatti Orazio immembro una volta sola perche generasse tre figliuoli; Marte una volta perche la casta Ilia dasse i gemelli. L'uno e l'altro avrebbe distrutto ogni cosa se quel masturbatore avesse abbandonato i sozzi piaceri alle sue mani. Credi che la natura stessa delle cose ti dice: 'ci che, o Pontico, distruggi colle ditta e un uomo". Another one: "You say that the breath of unnatural rascals smells" PEDICONIBUS OS OLERE DICIS If this be, as you say, true, Fabullus HOC SIT, SICUT AIS, FABULLE what do you imagine is the smell of some others? QUID TU CREDIT OLERE CUNNILINGIS." ---- And this one I dedicate to Geary, for when he's in the moody mood of suicidicasticallism: You admire, Vacerra, the ancients alone MIRARIS VETERA, VACERRA, SOLOS. And praise none but dead poets NEC LAUDAS NISI MORTUOUS POETAS. Your pardon pray, Vacerra IGNOSCAS PETIMUS, VACERRA: It is not worth my while TANTI NON EST merely to please you UT PLACEAM TIBI to die PERIRE. --- Incidentally, Donal, the statue of the man holding the roll was Demosthenes's, not Socrates. And I thought you would find the context of Demosthenes 'haranguing' the waters. Cheers, J. L. **************************************See AOL's top rated recipes (http://food.aol.com/top-rated-recipes?NCID=aoltop00030000000004)