[lit-ideas] Ahmadinejad, a parody
- From: "Lawrence Helm" <lawrencehelm@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Wed, 17 May 2006 15:16:19 -0700
For those unfamiliar with The Weekly Standard, the last page is always a Parody of some sort. The one from the current is about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The author of the parody views Ahmadinejad's letter as heart-felt and not the diplomatic ploy I imagine it to be - well, I might be wrong: "Dear President George Spawn-of-the-Devil Bush, "I was recently talking at length with my staff members about my theories of the universe, and they suggested I go to a quiet room alone and write them all down. So here I am. But I no longer recall all of them, so instead I thought I would take advantage of the warm green celestial aura currently enveloping me and begin a dialogue with you. "How does it feel to be a lying, thieving son of a Zionist whore? I ask this with all due respect and humility because, Your Excellency, you claim to believe in the teachings of Jesus (pbuh). I wonder if Jesus (pbuh) would support slaughtering human civilization and annihilating planet earth. I must tell you people in my region are increasingly angry over such policies. "I had a few thoughts on Israel. Let us suppose, for the sake of argument, that some Jews were harmed in the making of World War II. Does that justify a Jewish conspiracy to implant electronic chips in Palestinian babies and use radio waves to create an army to enslave the planet? But our guard is up, and I remind you: He only brings peril on himself who forgets the invulnerability of a head properly wrapped in aluminum foil. "You might know that I am a teacher. As my students often ask me, 'What are you saying? Can you repeat that? That makes no sense.' I tell them to study history. Can it be forgotten how, in 1917, the neoconservatives in Washington foresaw 9/11 but kept silent in order to dissolve the Ottoman Empire in order to enrich white colonists in Africa? Perhaps it's time you reread Howard Zinn. "My country is advancing rapidly in its technology, your Excellency. Surely, this is natural. Why is it that even the most minor breakthrough in explosives is considered a threat to the Zionist pig-dogs? If you impugn us in this, then, surely, you also impugn us for running water, automobiles, and sunlight. It is as if you accuse me of producing methamphetamine simply because I emerge from a pharmacy with 800 boxes of Sudafed, when in fact my true battle is with the scourge of histamines. "Now for the good news about your spiritual degradation: A simple embrace of religious primitivism is all you need to right your course. It has done wonders for my country, and I'm grateful that the Almighty God has acted as my navigator as I have driven the automobile of state into unexpected and exciting barriers. And, God be praised, He is about to upgrade me to Turbo. "I am, in the spirit of dialogue, your most bitter enemy, Mahmoud" Lawrence Ps, Note to Irene: I didn't write any of the quoted material. I only quoted it. I don't know who wrote it.