[guide.chat] :{ Judith }: Fw: My Mature Friends
- From: "Keith Wines" <keith.wines@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: "guide chat" <guide.chat@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Tue, 28 Jun 2011 00:09:40 +0100
: Fw: My Mature Friends
Subject: Fw: My Mature Friends
My mature friends
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel
noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, Mabel, do you know
you've got a suppository in your left ear?
Mabel answered, I have a suppository in my ear? She pulled it out and stared at
it. Then she said,Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where
to find my hearing aid.
When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ?You know
very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.?
Replied the widow,I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of
diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a
great lover rather than the big shit he always was.
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing
on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the
old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain
sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as
soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got
a fax from the boat. It read: Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband
dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to
his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.
The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived
for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the
end of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried
the casket towards the door, the husband cried out, Watch that wall!
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, I have
a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets
up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.
I said, Well, then why are you crying?
She said, He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and
then makes love to me for half the afternoon...
I said, Well, why are you crying?
She said, ?For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite
dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.
I said, Well, why in the world would you be crying?
She said, I can't remember where I live!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had
shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had
been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ?Now
don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just
can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is.
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared
at her. Finally she said, ?How soon do you need to know?
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10.
Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.
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