[guide.chat] Fwd : 50 bar puns
- From: "Keith Wines" <keith.wines@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: "guide chat" <guide.chat@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Fri, 23 Jul 2010 00:15:40 +0100
-----Original Message-----
From: Scott C
Sent On: 21/07/2010 15:12
Sent To: Keith
Subject: 50 bar puns
50 Bar Puns
1. A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going?
You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and
white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
2. A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. "Do you
serve tax collectors?", he asks the barman.
"Of course," says the bartender.
"Well," replies the man, "I'll have a beer, and my alligator will have a tax
collector!"
3. Bacon and eggs walk into a bar after a long day of being Bacon and Eggs.
They walk up to the bartender and ask for a beer.
The bartender takes one look at them and says, "Sorry fellas, we don't serve
breakfast."
4. A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve poultry."
The chicken replies, "That's OK, I only want a drink."
5. A man walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool, opens a bag and proceeds to
stuff his ears with whipped cream and to spread strawberries in his hair.
The bartender watches this performance with amazement before asking, "What
would you like to drink 7"
"You'll have to speak up," replies the man. "I'm a trifle, hard of hearing."
6. A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maitre d' that
there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the
bar.
He goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once
upon time was four little pig."
7. 185 cakes walk into a bar.
The bartender shouts, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here!"
To, which, the cakes reTORT, "Where else should we go?"
And not moving an inch. The bartender, tired of being egged on, replies, "I
don't care, I think there's a place yeast of here!"
8. So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I
can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
9. Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a "very" buxom lady a few seats
down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the
mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over
them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her
breasts. This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him.
He's laying on the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender do it?"
"Because he has a liquor license!"
10. This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Four bucks," says the bartender.
"Put it on my bill."
11. Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage
cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not?... We're cultured
individuals."
12. I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
13. A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bar tender says, "We don't serve your
kind here."
The mushroom replies, "Aw, c'mon. I'm a fungi"
14. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always
have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p. m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he
threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender... "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
15. A man walks into a bar, sits down, and tells the bartender: "Hey give me a
free drink."
The bartender looks at him and asks "Why should I give you a free drink?"
The customer reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny, 10 inch man and
sets him carefully on the counter.
The bartender is amazed, and says, "okay, that's worth a free drink." and
proceeds to pour him one.
After the customer finishes, he asks for another free drink. The bartender
tells him his little man was really cool, but was only worth one drink.
The customer then reaches into another pocket and pulled out a tiny piano and a
bar stool, and the 10-inch man sits out and plays a beautiful melody.
The bartender listens and says, "That's great, but it's not worth a free drink."
"Okay" the customer says, and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub this and you can
have any wish you want."
The bartender does, the genie appears, and the bartender asks for a million
bucks."
Suddenly a million ducks appear. "Hey! I asked for a million bucks, not a
million DUCKS!"
"That's okay; I didn't ask for a 10-inch pianist either!"
16. A baby seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The
bartender asks the seal what he would like.
The seal responds: Anything but Canadian Club on ice!
17. A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
18. A dog limps into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
19. Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought the second one would have
seen the first one do it.
20. A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?" Bar tender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" Bar tender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! And if you
ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bar tender says no.
Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"
21. A Football and a baseball walk into a bar. The football says "You're
round!!!"
22. A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he could have some
vodka and orange juice.
The bartender brings the drink back to the grasshopper and says, "You know, we
have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Irving?"
23. Man walks into a bar and shows the bartender a mouse and a frog. He tells
him that the frog plays the piano and the mouse sings.
A man sitting nearby overhears this and tells the man he will buy the frog and
the mouse for $50. The man accepts, the second man takes the frog and the mouse
and leaves.
The bartender says, "You sold that pair for only 50 bucks? That's too little,
you're a loser!."
The man snickered and said "Nahh I'm not, he is, the frog is a ventriloquist"
24. A guy walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a sip from each of
them in order.
The bartender says," Why don't you have one at a time, they begin to go flat as
soon as I dispense it?"
"Well," the guy says, "when my brothers and I split up, we promised to always
drink like this to remember the times when we used to drink together."
The bartender thinks this is a nice tradition and doesn't say any more. The guy
becomes a regular always ordering 3 beers.
Then one day he orders only 2. The bartender doesn't know what to say but then
says, "my condolences on your loss."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well,," the bartender replies, "I had thought something may have happened to
one of your brothers. I feared the worst!"
The guy laughs and says, "My brothers are fine, it's just that I've quit
drinking!"
25. A group of blonds walk into a bar shouting and cheering "Yeah, 31! Let's
here it for 31!"
They order a round of drinks, continuing toasting each other and the number 31.
After about 15 minutes of this, the bartender is starting to get really
annoyed. "What's the deal about 31?" he asks the girls.
One of them turns to him and says "we bought a puzzle that said 2 - 4 years,
and we finished it in 31 DAYS!!!"
26. A kangaroo walks into a bar, orders a beer.
Bartender serves him and charges him $15.00. Bartender says, "We don't get many
kangaroos in here."
Kangaroo says, "No wonder, at these prices."
27. A drunk walks into a bar and puts his pet cockroach on the bar.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
"That's not a lion," replies the drunk. "Dhat's a dog!"
28. This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!"
Everyone starts to laugh-
Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing-
Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes
from all the laughing.
The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?"
The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable children,
and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them
in full"
The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!" Nothing
happens
"39!!" Still nothing.
"14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons.
The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same
numbers you did and got a completely opposite response.
The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke... and some folks
can't!"
29. A guy walks in a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The bartender replies, "Sure do."
"How much do they cost?"
"They're different prices for the different styles. You go over to the right
wall, pick out the one you want and come back and let me know which one and
I'll give you a price."
So the guy goes over and picks out a hot pink one with black poke-a-dots. He
asks the bartender how much?
"That will be $1.15 + tax."
"I don't need the tacks! It'll stay on all by itself."
30. Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The
bartender points to the door and they rush in.
Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's
the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in.
One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for
the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the
bartender.
"No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!"
31. A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool
and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play
any instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him... So he says he will wager $50
to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts
playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than
Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles
with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.
"Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to make love to it
as soon as I get its pajamas off."
32. A guy walks into a bar down in Arkansas and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...
where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of
us."
33. A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer walk into a bar and the bartender says
"What is this a joke?"
34. Two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, "You guys better not
start anything in here."
35. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Let
me have a beer please, and one more for the road."
36. A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender,
"Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's
right down the hall."
37. So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Get out of here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles
bar."
38. A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn't long before he
was arrested for rustling.
39, A man who smelled like a distillery walks into a bar and flops on a
barstool next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled
guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
40. A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
41. This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey,
buddy, your pants are down..."
42. A circus owner walks into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table
watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck
tap-dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the
duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000
for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is
a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a
single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under
the pot?"
43. A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
44. This piece of string walks into a bar.
Before he gets halfway to the bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! String! We
don't serve your sort in here."
Not to be deterred, the string tries to order a drink, but when the bartender
pulls a pair of scissors out from behind the bar, the piece of string decides
to leave, running for the door.
Hours later, the piece of string is still frustrated at not being able to get a
drink anywhere. He's all twisted up and his ends are coming loose from being
thrown out of so many bars.
Before going into the last bar, the piece of string ruffles his ends up even
more and contorts himself trying to disguise the very fiber of his being.
As he goes into the last bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! You!" Looking
carefully, he asks "Are you a piece of string?"
Feigning ignorance, the piece of string says "No, I'm a frayed knot."
45. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
46. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one is a-salted...
47. Two vampires walk into a bar and call for the bartender. "I'll have a glass
of blood," says one.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," says the other.
"Okay," replies the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."
48. This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."
49. Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! He vanishes.
50. A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer.
As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!".
Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the
bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt."
At this, the man called the bartender over.," Hey... I must be losing my mind,"
he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts" answered the bartender.
"Say what?"
"You heard me" said the barkeep." it's the peanuts... they're
***"
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