[guide.chat] Fw: educational e-mails

From: "elaine nutley" <e.nutley@xxxxxxx>
To: "Debbie Berkinshaw" <darrenanddebi@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Ann Coleman" <anncolemanq@xxxxxxxxx>, "Nicola Daley" <n_daly@xxxxxxxxxx>, "Mike Douel" <m.douel@xxxxxxx>, "Marion Foster" <marion331@xxxxxxxxxxx>, "Jenifer Furnell" <jenifer.furnell@xxxxxxxxx>, "Guide Chat" <guide.chat@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Marilyn Hayto" <malhayto@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Alf Lewendon" <alflewendon@xxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Sally" <se.wooller@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Sheila And Brian" <bj.knight007@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Shirley Springett" <tripleckickerswdc@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Joyce Welsh" <jwelsh123@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, <young.g@xxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 2012 20:07:12 -0000

to all who send the the advice mails
      As we progress through the year, I want to thank all of you for your 
educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have 
little chance of recovery.

      I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the 
waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria 
on the lemon peel.

      I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last 
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

      I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what 
has happened on it since it was last washed.

      I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because 
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

      Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine 
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

      I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor 
of a public restroom.

      I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop 
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every 
envelope that needs sealing.

      ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

      I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny 
Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

      I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the 
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in 
their special e-mail program.

      I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out 
for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

      I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of 
ice with my kidneys gone.

      I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant 
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

      I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water 
buffalo on a hot day.

      THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I 
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

      BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can 
remove toilet stains.

      I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a 
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
      I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven 
different types of cancer.

      AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the 
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

      I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle 
infected with AIDS when I sit down.

      I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a 
perfume sample and rob me.

      And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a 
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , 
Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

      I no longer buy cookies from Timmies since I now have their recipe.

      THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black 
snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites 
my butt.

      AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped 
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester 
waiting to grab me as I bend over.
      I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin 
Spider and my hand will fall off.

      If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. 
Tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, 
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually 
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second 
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

      Oh, by the way.....

      A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered 
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand 
on the mouse.

      Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

      P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by 
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out of the toilet. 
      NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY!

[guide.chat] Fw: educational e-mails

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