blind_html Re: [Fwd: Chili Cook-Off]

  • From: "The Elf" <inthaneelf@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: <blind_html@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • Date: Thu, 20 Nov 2008 01:10:32 -0800

having been in Texas if only for a short time, I have an idea of the truth of this rundown.

I've only seen one salsa hotter than the stuff my partner got on our way through,

it started out as a home made salsa made by a Hispanic gal, who's family came from Texas, she used to cause everyone to leave the house when she started cooking her salsa, and should have had the guys in ASVAB suits storming the place due to the toxic fumes, and then after super ventilating my own kitchen, recooked that stuff with a freshly chopped pound of Vietnamese peppers I got from another friend who grew up there...

my friend in search of "some really hot salsa" was standing there, sweating, tears running down her face copiously, and having to stop to clean up after the Niagara falls her nose had become, congratulated me on finally finding her some "hot" salsa

take care,
----- Original Message ----- From: "Nimer" <nimerjaber1@xxxxxxxxx>
To: <blind_html@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sent: Wednesday, November 19, 2008 8:04 PM
Subject: blind_html [Fwd: Chili Cook-Off]

I like this one.
Nimer J

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Chili Cook-Off
Date: Wed, 19 Nov 2008 19:36:45 -0800
From: Alan Paganelli <alanandsuzanne@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Reply-To: Alan Paganelli <alanandsuzanne@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: Alan J. Paganelli <alzan@xxxxxxxxxx>

Chili Cook-Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time Hallo
ween comes around. It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was
an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other 2
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impress
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili
. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am wo
rried about
judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Judge #
1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
Judge # 3 - No Report



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Nimer M. Jaber

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