<USS Avalon> Misery's Company

Misery's Company  
 
 
by Phillipa Waterson and Cailin  Danaan

Phillipa had been back and forth to the stasis units every  day.  The doctors 
knew that she must be going through a tough time, so they  had no problem 
allowing her to sit for hours staring into the tiny windows at  her children. 
Losing one baby, and the other two in stasis... Though no one was  quite sure 
what to do for the young woman, each felt that no new mother should  have to 
endure such pain.

Today was just like the others: getting up  early, eating only one piece of 
toast and having barely one gulp of orange  juice, and going to sit by the 
stasis units.  She had stood there  before, until one of the orderlies had 
brought 
her a stool to sit on. It was  always there waiting for her when she came in. 
So she sat there, looking  into the window at the little beings that were her 
children.  
 
Suddenly she felt someone watching  her.  She tried to shake the feeling, but 
couldn't.  Finally, she  turned around, and looked at the woman watching her, 
both comforted and annoyed  by the sympathetic expression on her slightly 
felinoid features. "I'm sorry, can  I help you?"  she asked. She knew the 
woman's 
face, but could not place  her.
 
Cailin had watched the young woman from  a distance for the last couple of 
days, and had decided she'd spent enough time  simply observing. While she 
completely understood her need to be near her  children, she would not soon 
begin 
the healing process if she didn't properly  grieve for the one who had died.
 
"I'm Cailin Danaan, Miss Waterson," she  said slowly. "I am---"
 
It hit her when Phillipa heard her  name. "Ship's Counselor," she finished 
for her, turning her attention back to  her babies.
 
Cailin nodded minutely. She had not  expected a warm reception. In fact, she 
hadn't had a single warm reception since  she had joined this crew, which was 
not entirely uncommon for one in her  profession. 
 
"I'd really like to talk to you about  what's happened," Cailin went on 
softly. "I know what you're going  through."
 
"No you don't," Phillipa snapped over  her shoulder. "No one does." 
 
Cailin pulled over another stool and  sat close. She, too, looked at the 
tiny, still bodies of the Waterson babies,  her voice low as she said, 
"Actually, 
I do."
 
Phillipa scoffed. "How could you?  You've never been abandoned by the father 
of your children, and then gone into  extreme pre-term labor only to lose one 
out of three with the likelihood of  losing the other two unless your body can 
be healed enough to return them to  you, or some other woman who's a suitable 
match can be found who is willing to  carry your babies to term for you."
 
It all came out in a rush. She hadn't  intended to say all that, certainly 
not to the counselor, but once she had  gotten started Phillipa couldn't help 
herself. And though she hated to admit it,  it had felt good to finally get 
what 
she was feeling said in words. Before she  hadn't been able to put her 
feelings into words.
 
Cailin nodded. "Perhaps I have not had  the same experience as yourself, Miss 
Waterson," she began, "but I'm going to  tell you something I've never told 
anyone: I have lost a child." 
 
Curiosity had Phillipa glancing  sideways. The counselor's face was 
inscrutable, but she could see her eyes were  wet with unshed tears. 
 
"I was held captive for over a year  during the War," Cailin went on. "I 
was...abused. The Cardassians who held me  prisoner were more brutal and savage 
than most. If I didn't do what they wanted,  I got beaten to within an inch of 
my life, and then forced to do it anyway. When  I'd been there about six 
months, I got pregnant."
 
Curiosity mixed with sympathy and  morbid fascination, prompting Phillipa to 
ask, "What did your captors do when  they found out?"
 
"They never knew," Cailin replied. "In  fact, my medical records don't even 
show it because there's no proof. I didn't  carry the child long enough."
 
"Then how can you be certain you were  pregnant?" Phillipa found herself 
wondering.
 
Cailin turned to her for a moment,  "Because a woman knows, Miss Waterson. I 
knew what was happening to me. At  first I didn't want it. But then I had to 
stop and think that it wasn't the  child's fault how he or she had been 
conceived. Then all I wanted was to be  rescued. I wanted to give the child a 
chance. 
I got rescued, as you can see, but  not before one particularly bad night 
that caused me to lose that  child."
 
She looked back at the grieving mother.  "So you see, Miss Waterson, I know 
what you're going through. I've lost a child  whom I will never get to set eyes 
on or get to hold or get to know in any way.  I've had no one to endure the 
pain of that loss with me---I've had to suffer  alone. But you don't have to."
 
Cailin stood then and returned her  stool to where she'd gotten it. "I'm not 
going to push you. I've seen how much  this crew is loathe to come to me to 
talk. But I am not going to hesitate to  tell you, Miss Waterson, that you need 
to. The father of these children may have  abandoned you, you may have sadly 
lost their brother, and these two still have a  tough road ahead of them. But 
you are no good as a mother to these two that  remain if you do not begin to 
heal your emotional self as well as your physical  self.
 
"I'll leave you alone  now."
 
Phillipa said nothing as the counselor  walked quietly away. She turned back 
to her son and daughter, trying not to  think about what the other woman had 
said, and not being entirely  successful.

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