<USS Avalon> Mind Knows What the Heart Does Not

Mind Knows What the  Heart Does Not
By  Captain Keith Ketchum and Senior Lieutenant Elissabeth  Marksbury 
Keith sat on the couch in Skyler's  office just off the bridge, looking at 
the station out the window.  He was  working on a PADD for thoughts on his 
reports to Admiral Valdez.  His  meeting with her would be in a couple hours.   
Elissabeth refused eye contact with anyone  on the bridge as she slowly made 
her way to Ketchum's location.  She didn't  bother with the formalities of an 
appointment, knowing that Ketchum would want  to see her as soon as possible.  
Granted, she was pretty sure that he  didn't expect to see her this soon, but 
as her day had been full of one surprise  after the next, what was one more 
for someone else?    
She pressed the chime and waited, hands  clasped behind her back and head 
down - an unusual posture for the  ever-confident officer.  She could feel eyes 
on her back and did her best  to focus on the task at hand.   
Laying the PADD on the couch, he turned  towards the door, "Come in."  Being 
at Station 51 put a lot of calm in his  demeanor.  
Elissabeth entered the room, holding her  head level, though it was an 
effort.  She was ashamed of the results of the  mission.  It was complete, but 
it 
was far from successful.   She moved to stand in front of the Captain and 
brought herself to  attention.   
"Ah, Ms. Marksbury, come in.  At  ease.  Relax, please."  Looking at her, he 
knew that she was in  Medical just recently and wondered why she was up.  "I 
didn't know you were  released.  How are you feeling?"  
She moved to stand at ease.  Hesitating  slightly, she figured that Ketchum 
would appreciate the truth.  "I - wasn't  exactly released, but rank has its 
privileges sometimes.  I'm told I can be  quite intimidating."  Her voice was 
even softer than usual, though it  seemed impossible, and no matter how hard 
she 
tried, she knew that hint of  strain showed through.   
"As with dealing with Medical, rank has no  privilege.  I am even not above 
that law."  He watched her, "Perhaps,  you might want to sit down.  Enjoy the 
view of the station."  Looking  out the window, "Care to fill me in with what 
happened on that Ferengi ship?"   
Perching on the edge of the sofa, she was  glad for the reprieve.  Tel had 
done amazing things for her, but her  strength had not recovered.  She took the 
reprimand for leaving sickbay  silently, knowing he was right, but this was 
important.  They sat in oddly  comfortable silence for a moment, staring out at 
the view.  She didn't know  where they were, exactly, but wasn't going to ask, 
either.  "I assume that  Matthews filed the preliminary reports of what he 
knew... and Harak filled you  in on the rest?  Or no?"  There was no point in 
hashing it all out  again if he knew.   
"I would like to hear it from you... I  assume that's why you came to see me, 
breaking out of Sickbay and  all."   He looked at her, "And you will be 
returning there, when we  are done.  That isn't a request, either."   
Elissabeth nodded.  She quietly  recounted detail for every detail she could 
remember right to the point where  John stepped in front of her and Anna.  
Then, her voice wavered and she had  to stop, had to swallow, before she lost 
her 
composure.   
He was making some notes.  Noticing  that she was disturbed, "I think I have 
everything for my meeting with the  Admiral, I thank you for your time, Ms. 
Marksbury.  Now, back to Sickbay  for you."  
"In time, sir."  They sat silently for  another moment.  "I am officially 
giving you my verbal resignation as the  Covert Operations Department Chief."  
Elissabeth closed her eyes slowly and  waited as her words hung in the air.  
"Declined, Senior Lieutenant.  You have  run the department with distinction 
lately; I have heard great things about  you.  So, you will remain as the 
Chief Covert Operations  Officer." 
Looking at him with that spark of anger in  her eye, she said flatly, "No, 
sir, I will not.  It is a title I no longer  deserve.  I recommend that you 
promote Lieutenant James Monroe to that  position, effective immediately."  
"Declined again, Ms. Marksbury.  Once  officially released from Sickbay, you 
will return to running the  department.  And I will not say it again."   
"With all due respect, sir, you are making a  mistake.  The status of the 
latest mission has left me less than confident  in my abilities to lead.  I am 
responsible for John Forester's death and I  take that responsibility 
seriously." 
"We have all lost people under our  command.  I hate to say it, but it comes 
with the territory.  Ms.  Marksbury, as Captain, I think I know what I am 
doing."     
"Granted, sir, it comes with the territory,  but it can also be a harbinger 
of a job performed incorrectly.  And I did  not imply, sir, that you did not 
know what you were doing.  I said that I  believed you were making a mistake.  
There is a difference."  Taking a  small breath, she continued,  "I'm the one 
who pushed for Forester to join  my team against the adamant advice of my 
second in command.  Had I been  more vigilant on the mission as well..." she 
let 
the sentence trail away  before the emotions attached to it overtook her.   
"Decisions like the ones that you have made  are part of command.  I have 
made them, and I am sure that those decisions  will come back on me also in my 
meeting with Admiral Valdez."  He looked  into her eyes, "Elissabeth, let this 
not be the harbinger, but the catalyst for  learning.  One day, you will be a 
great Captain, I am sure.  One  reason is that you feel for your team.  The 
same as I  do."  
Tears welled up in her eyes and her lip  quivered as she shook her head 'no'. 
 It was not supposed to be this  way.  She was not supposed to care, not 
supposed to hurt.  She was  supposed to hold herself at arms length from 
everyone 
around her, creating that  gap so that nothing could touch her, nothing could 
stop her from doing the job  she was meant to do. 
Keith did something out of the ordinary, he  reached out and took her hand, 
"Elissabeth, we will talk some more, once  the pain is not so recent.  You can 
feel the pain, feel the loss, it is  quite alright.  It is normal.  Now, I am 
going to dismiss you back to  Sickbay.  And you will not leave there without 
being released, formally."   
Taking a deep breath, she squeezed his hand,  grateful for the comfort.  
This... chasm widening between the two sides of  herself was disorienting.  
Without Lyryn's influence, Elissabeth was  becoming an emotional wreck.  Or so 
she 
felt.  She composed herself  and nodded her acquiescence to his order.  "May I 
ask, sir," she sniffed  slightly, "what it is that you have to answer to the 
Admiral for?  I pray  it's not my actions, and if it is, I would like to stand 
before the Admiral with  you."   
"I'm sure that it is in regards to my  actions and not yours, for once you 
all returned from the Ferengi Marauder, I  ordered one of them destroyed, when 
I 
learned of the team's  loss."  He looked out the window, "Most do not know 
this, but I had  sponsored Mr. Forester for the Academy, though he decided that 
 
he wanted to be in space without the additional schooling of becoming  an 
officer, so, I asked that he be placed on the Avalon.  I feel the  loss also."  
Turning back to her, "But it was not your fault for his  death.  He was asked 
to serve, and did so with distinction."   
"I understand, sir.  My mind knows what  my heart does not."  She paused, 
realizing how cold she sounded.   Elissabeth had great respect for his dilemma 
and appreciated his empathy more  than she knew how to express it.  "I'm sorry, 
Keith.  I'm so very  sorry," she whispered. 
He nodded, and wasn't about to break down  now.  "We'll get through it, all 
of us.  Now I hate to run you off,  but I need to get this report finished."    
 
Just like a switch had been flipped, that  moment of weakness was gone and 
she stood, straightening her uniform.   "Yes, sir. I apologize for monopolizing 
your time.  Thank you."  She  turned and moved for the door, though a lot 
slower than she would've liked.   
"No trouble, Ms. Marksbury, my office is  always open.  Well, in this case 
it's Commander Skyler's."  He almost  chuckled.  "But anytime you need to talk, 
it is fine.  Just don't want  to make the Admiral wait on this." He motioned 
to the PADD.   
She turned and offered him a very weak  smile, but a true one, "As is mine, 
sir."  Walking out the door feeling a  little lighter than before, Elissabeth 
looked ahead instead of dwelling on the  past.  
After  she left, he turned back to his reflection in the window.  Finally, he 
let  a lone tear roll down his cheek.

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