<USS Avalon> Mind Knows What the Heart Does Not
- From: CptKetchum@xxxxxxx
- To: avalon@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sun, 13 Feb 2005 00:51:21 EST
Mind Knows What the Heart Does Not
By Captain Keith Ketchum and Senior Lieutenant Elissabeth Marksbury
Keith sat on the couch in Skyler's office just off the bridge, looking at
the station out the window. He was working on a PADD for thoughts on his
reports to Admiral Valdez. His meeting with her would be in a couple hours.
Elissabeth refused eye contact with anyone on the bridge as she slowly made
her way to Ketchum's location. She didn't bother with the formalities of an
appointment, knowing that Ketchum would want to see her as soon as possible.
Granted, she was pretty sure that he didn't expect to see her this soon, but
as her day had been full of one surprise after the next, what was one more
for someone else?
She pressed the chime and waited, hands clasped behind her back and head
down - an unusual posture for the ever-confident officer. She could feel eyes
on her back and did her best to focus on the task at hand.
Laying the PADD on the couch, he turned towards the door, "Come in." Being
at Station 51 put a lot of calm in his demeanor.
Elissabeth entered the room, holding her head level, though it was an
effort. She was ashamed of the results of the mission. It was complete, but
it
was far from successful. She moved to stand in front of the Captain and
brought herself to attention.
"Ah, Ms. Marksbury, come in. At ease. Relax, please." Looking at her, he
knew that she was in Medical just recently and wondered why she was up. "I
didn't know you were released. How are you feeling?"
She moved to stand at ease. Hesitating slightly, she figured that Ketchum
would appreciate the truth. "I - wasn't exactly released, but rank has its
privileges sometimes. I'm told I can be quite intimidating." Her voice was
even softer than usual, though it seemed impossible, and no matter how hard
she
tried, she knew that hint of strain showed through.
"As with dealing with Medical, rank has no privilege. I am even not above
that law." He watched her, "Perhaps, you might want to sit down. Enjoy the
view of the station." Looking out the window, "Care to fill me in with what
happened on that Ferengi ship?"
Perching on the edge of the sofa, she was glad for the reprieve. Tel had
done amazing things for her, but her strength had not recovered. She took the
reprimand for leaving sickbay silently, knowing he was right, but this was
important. They sat in oddly comfortable silence for a moment, staring out at
the view. She didn't know where they were, exactly, but wasn't going to ask,
either. "I assume that Matthews filed the preliminary reports of what he
knew... and Harak filled you in on the rest? Or no?" There was no point in
hashing it all out again if he knew.
"I would like to hear it from you... I assume that's why you came to see me,
breaking out of Sickbay and all." He looked at her, "And you will be
returning there, when we are done. That isn't a request, either."
Elissabeth nodded. She quietly recounted detail for every detail she could
remember right to the point where John stepped in front of her and Anna.
Then, her voice wavered and she had to stop, had to swallow, before she lost
her
composure.
He was making some notes. Noticing that she was disturbed, "I think I have
everything for my meeting with the Admiral, I thank you for your time, Ms.
Marksbury. Now, back to Sickbay for you."
"In time, sir." They sat silently for another moment. "I am officially
giving you my verbal resignation as the Covert Operations Department Chief."
Elissabeth closed her eyes slowly and waited as her words hung in the air.
"Declined, Senior Lieutenant. You have run the department with distinction
lately; I have heard great things about you. So, you will remain as the
Chief Covert Operations Officer."
Looking at him with that spark of anger in her eye, she said flatly, "No,
sir, I will not. It is a title I no longer deserve. I recommend that you
promote Lieutenant James Monroe to that position, effective immediately."
"Declined again, Ms. Marksbury. Once officially released from Sickbay, you
will return to running the department. And I will not say it again."
"With all due respect, sir, you are making a mistake. The status of the
latest mission has left me less than confident in my abilities to lead. I am
responsible for John Forester's death and I take that responsibility
seriously."
"We have all lost people under our command. I hate to say it, but it comes
with the territory. Ms. Marksbury, as Captain, I think I know what I am
doing."
"Granted, sir, it comes with the territory, but it can also be a harbinger
of a job performed incorrectly. And I did not imply, sir, that you did not
know what you were doing. I said that I believed you were making a mistake.
There is a difference." Taking a small breath, she continued, "I'm the one
who pushed for Forester to join my team against the adamant advice of my
second in command. Had I been more vigilant on the mission as well..." she
let
the sentence trail away before the emotions attached to it overtook her.
"Decisions like the ones that you have made are part of command. I have
made them, and I am sure that those decisions will come back on me also in my
meeting with Admiral Valdez." He looked into her eyes, "Elissabeth, let this
not be the harbinger, but the catalyst for learning. One day, you will be a
great Captain, I am sure. One reason is that you feel for your team. The
same as I do."
Tears welled up in her eyes and her lip quivered as she shook her head 'no'.
It was not supposed to be this way. She was not supposed to care, not
supposed to hurt. She was supposed to hold herself at arms length from
everyone
around her, creating that gap so that nothing could touch her, nothing could
stop her from doing the job she was meant to do.
Keith did something out of the ordinary, he reached out and took her hand,
"Elissabeth, we will talk some more, once the pain is not so recent. You can
feel the pain, feel the loss, it is quite alright. It is normal. Now, I am
going to dismiss you back to Sickbay. And you will not leave there without
being released, formally."
Taking a deep breath, she squeezed his hand, grateful for the comfort.
This... chasm widening between the two sides of herself was disorienting.
Without Lyryn's influence, Elissabeth was becoming an emotional wreck. Or so
she
felt. She composed herself and nodded her acquiescence to his order. "May I
ask, sir," she sniffed slightly, "what it is that you have to answer to the
Admiral for? I pray it's not my actions, and if it is, I would like to stand
before the Admiral with you."
"I'm sure that it is in regards to my actions and not yours, for once you
all returned from the Ferengi Marauder, I ordered one of them destroyed, when
I
learned of the team's loss." He looked out the window, "Most do not know
this, but I had sponsored Mr. Forester for the Academy, though he decided that
he wanted to be in space without the additional schooling of becoming an
officer, so, I asked that he be placed on the Avalon. I feel the loss also."
Turning back to her, "But it was not your fault for his death. He was asked
to serve, and did so with distinction."
"I understand, sir. My mind knows what my heart does not." She paused,
realizing how cold she sounded. Elissabeth had great respect for his dilemma
and appreciated his empathy more than she knew how to express it. "I'm sorry,
Keith. I'm so very sorry," she whispered.
He nodded, and wasn't about to break down now. "We'll get through it, all
of us. Now I hate to run you off, but I need to get this report finished."
Just like a switch had been flipped, that moment of weakness was gone and
she stood, straightening her uniform. "Yes, sir. I apologize for monopolizing
your time. Thank you." She turned and moved for the door, though a lot
slower than she would've liked.
"No trouble, Ms. Marksbury, my office is always open. Well, in this case
it's Commander Skyler's." He almost chuckled. "But anytime you need to talk,
it is fine. Just don't want to make the Admiral wait on this." He motioned
to the PADD.
She turned and offered him a very weak smile, but a true one, "As is mine,
sir." Walking out the door feeling a little lighter than before, Elissabeth
looked ahead instead of dwelling on the past.
After she left, he turned back to his reflection in the window. Finally, he
let a lone tear roll down his cheek.
Other related posts:
- » <USS Avalon> Mind Knows What the Heart Does Not
