<USS Avalon> "Seeking Closure"

Seeking Closure
By Senior Lieutenant Elissabeth Marksbury
and Ensign Ffej Harak


He stood there facing the closed door with an absent look on his face, knowing 
various people were walking down the corridor behind him, yet oblivious to 
their presence. Ffej was there, part of the world, but not, privately locked 
away within. Not a single muscle registered the impulses sent from his brain. 
Two hours since he first arrived, and yet the door refused admittance. He could 
have keyed the entry code and gained access but his eyes glazed over every time 
he came to that conclusion. 

Confusion slowly etched itself upon his face. The baseless anger he felt at the 
fact the door to his quarters refused to allow him entry. His arm twitched and 
slowly inched up his body, absently rubbing his chest. The fading memory of the 
wound that had most recently taken up unwanted residence there. That simple act 
elevated the confusion another notch. There was no soreness, no sign of a wound 
recently healed. Ffej blinked and his surroundings came into focus. The hell am 
I doing here... glancing at a near by panel checking his location. This, this 
is John's quarters.

Turning slowly he started walking away, absently rubbing his chest.

Ffej wandered the halls paying no heed to those he passed, randomly taking 
corners as they came, riding the turbo lifts to wherever they stopped. I have 
to get this inner turmoil under control before my next shift. Passing his own 
quarters without batting an eye, his world faded from him. Images flashed 
before him, a life not his own, memories all. His journey continued, fatigue, 
defeated by duel willpower alone. I have to make peace, say my good byes.

Moving much slower than she?d like, Elissabeth walked out of one turbolift and 
down the corridor to another on her way back to sickbay. She was about to step 
onto the lift when she saw Ffej approaching from a connecting corridor. 
Instead, she stepped away and waited for him to reach her. She needed to check 
on the well-being of her team.

"Ffej?" she asked quietly when he neared. His eyes looked a little glazed and 
she wasn?t sure if he needed to be in sickbay himself.

Blinded to outside contact Ffej, strolled down the corridor. I have to see her, 
even if only to say goodbye. It's only fair... 

Reaching out for his shoulders, she stopped him. "Ffej," Elissabeth said, more 
forcefully.

He turned at the contact, head tilted slightly. "Lieutenant?" Bowing his head 
slightly Ffej's voice lowered. "I, I... I?m sorry. I failed during the mission. 
I tried to help, but wasn't fast enough." His head drooped slightly, then rose 
to meet her eye to eye. Ffej blinked three times. Ah, Lieutenant, uh, how are 
you feeling? Shouldn't you be in sickbay?

Thoroughly confused, Elissabeth pulled Ffej into the lift with her. Once it 
took off, she gave the command for it to stop, allowing them some privacy. 
"Ffej? Are you okay?" She'd seen people react very badly to death and she was 
concerned. Ffej looked confused and not quite like himself. 

Allowing himself to be pulled, he took a moment to compose his mind and 
reinforce his identity. I'm not sure, honestly. I think the link I formed with 
John was altered do to the stress of the situation... I'm seeing his memories, 
living his pain and sorrow. Ffej leaned back against the lift?s wall and rubbed 
his eyes with the heels of his hands. Most of the time I'm in control, but it's 
as if I absorbed some of his psyche.

She closed her eyes, briefly wondering how many more people on this ship were 
having identity problems. Then remembering who she was with, she covered up the 
thought. "That must be incredibly disorienting." She knew a enough about 
telepaths... and Betazoids in particular, thanks to Tel, that she didn't even 
question Ffej's experiences. 

Laughing lightly, Tell me about it, I just spent the last two hours standing at 
the door to his quarters getting irritated over it not letting me, him... argh. 
See what I mean? Closing his eyes and letting out a deep breath, he said, I 
don't know if I should visit the counselor, report to sickbay, or let him 
surface and find closure that might have been denied him. It's confusing. 

It was one of those moments where Elissabeth was not only at a loss for words, 
but at a loss for thought as well. He seemed to be coping well... she wanted to 
comfort, offer support, but what was she going to say? I empathize with you? 
Oh, that would go over real well. She decided to be honest. Well, as honest as 
she could be. "I wish I knew what to tell you, Ffej." 

"Thanks, by the way. You care at least, most would be detached..." He smiled, 
"I believe this is a unique incident, I had performed the process before. Back 
at the Academy, some classmates and myself went rock climbing. One of the 
younger cadets fell and broke his leg. I formed a link while they set his bone 
and applied a makeshift splint." Ffej looked at her, "The fact that this time 
it was so close to John?s death is the only difference." 

He was only partially right. Part of her cared. The other part was lost 
somewhere in her own world. Soldiers live and soldiers die, why should their 
death affect the living? It was a struggle to push that mentality aside, to 
focus on Ffej and on his pain, his confusion. "I think I understand. What do 
you think that John-" her voice caught as she said his name and she swallowed 
the unexpected lump in her throat. "What is it that he needs?" she asked. 

Ffej's smile tightened, his eyes closed briefly. When they opened they had that 
glazed quality. "I have to make my peace. I have to go to her, say good bye. 
She has to kn... to know how I feel and that I'll always be there with her." A 
tear slowly trailed down his cheek catching in the scar. His hand rubbed his 
chest absently. "I'm sorry, so sorry it ended this way..."

His words chilled her. It was like standing in a room with a ghost. Her mouth 
opened and closed at least once that she was aware of, and who knows how many 
others that she wasn?t. Elissabeth didn?t even feel the tears rolling down her 
cheeks as she asked in barely a whisper, "John?"

Ffej straightened into nearly attention. "Yes, Lt?"

"Oh, god," she breathed. 

Ffej peered at her, glazed eyes seeming to look through her. "Are you ok, Lt?" 

The chill stayed with her and she didn't know what to do. Play along? Give him 
what he wanted? Again, honesty seemed the best bet. "I - I'm a bit disoriented, 
John..." She looked at 'him' and the pain of his death hit her anew. "I'm so 
sorry," Elissabeth whispered for the second time that hour. 

He lowered his gaze. "It's alright, we had a mission to do. I accepted the 
terms and saw it through to the end, didn?t I?" Ffej relaxed slightly and 
sighed. "I only wish that end turned out differently."

As it is written, there is a time for everything, and this was her time to cry. 
The tears poured down her cheeks and there wasn't a thing she could do to stop 
it. "You did a damn good job, John. Damn good. I picked you because you had 
what it took. I'm sorry that I pushed you so hard before you were ready." She 
was sobbing, holding her hand over her mouth, her already worn out body 
convulsing with the effort. "I would give anything to take your place," she 
managed to spit out. 

He stepped forward, placing a hand on her shoulder, his voice barely a whisper. 
"Shhhh, it's ok. The loss of one far out weighs the cost of the entire team. 
Don't wish to undo what was fated. All things happen for a reason beyond our 
understanding. I see that now." He drew her closer to offer comfort, 
disregarding the rules and regulations, as well as rank. "Shhhh, grieve as you 
must. Remember that its not for the dead, but for the memories that we honor 
them." 

It was John. His words were formal and wise beyond his years, but she knew, 
understood what he was saying. It shook her and she hadn't realised to what 
extent his death had truly affected her. Forester had been a favorite of hers. 
She?d truly seen something in him - as had the Captain. Elissabeth wrapped her 
arms around him and held him tightly. Sniffing back the tears, she said, "Thank 
you for saying good-bye, John. You were incredibly special to me. I... hope you 
knew that."

Ffej blinked, becoming aware of a pressure around his waist, of holding someone 
close. Glancing around quickly noting Elissabeth wasn't in sight, he slowly 
lowered his gaze down, knowing what he would find, but unsure how it came to 
be. Clearing his throat gently, Lt? Please forgive me, but what just happened? 

Startled, Elissabeth pushed away from Ffej, highly embarrassed. She swiped at 
her tears almost violently, even against her already abused skin. She didn't 
know what to say. Not at all.

Stepping back, he locked his eyes on the panel over her shoulder. It was John, 
wasn't it? He surfaced. I'm sorry for crossing that line, I will fully 
understand a formal reprimand for my breach of behavior. Taking a deep breath, 
he slowly let it out.

Ffej's words made her smile despite herself. "A reprimand?" Elissabeth looked 
up into his bright blue eyes and explained, "Ffej, you have possibly just given 
me exactly what I needed... a chance to say good-bye. If anything, I'll be 
thanking you, not reprimanding you. And, I'm officially off duty for an 
interminable amount of time, ordered to sickbay - call me Elissabeth. I think 
we've gone through enough together to warrant that, haven't we?" 

He turned his head slowly until he met her gaze, a smile slowly growing. I 
guess you?re right Lt...Elissabeth. It's just a little unsettling when he 
surfaces. It's like a dream that?s hard to shake off at first. Oddly enough, I 
sense an easing with him, me... us. It's just so confusing Laughing lightly, 
feeling a tension letting go that he hadn't been aware was there, he added, I 
should probably visit with Anna soon. Do you know if she is going to be ok?"

"Believe me, I understand your confusion more than you probably realize, Ffej." 
She told the computer to start the lift again. "I don't know anything that's 
going on or how anyone is. I've not been able to check." The fatigue of her 
trip to the captain's office and the incredible emotional outlet was beginning 
to tell. She could feel it pulling in her chest, telling her to sit and rest. 
"I would assume because of her... affection for John that she is going to have 
a harder time than the rest of us and," she looked up at him again, "it sure 
hasn't been easy for anyone." 

Once the lift stopped and she began to move towards the door, Elissabeth 
realized how faint she felt, how her legs didn't want to support her. She 
reached over for Ffej's arm, hoping he didn't notice her stumble. "Care to walk 
this overly emotional wreck back to sickbay?" she asked quietly.

Ffej smiled at her and offered his arm, I believe it is an old earth custom, 
for a man to escort a lady in this fashion... He sensed the momentary flash of 
her weakness, but she quickly mastered and concealed it. If you don't mind my 
inquiring after a personal matter... I know you are uncomfortable with my 
preferred communication methods, but in defense I must point out that on 
Betazed, this is as common place as your auditory methods on Earth.

"Yes," she said softly, "I am uncomfortable with it, but you've been very... 
polite, never pushing, or even going near what barriers I've had built. I would 
know." 

He walked slowly to grant her shortened pace and cause her current physical 
condition no extra strain. Even though I was raised around telepaths, my stint 
on Earth at the Academy made me realize that you humans cherish your privacy, 
something I envy. If you wish, I will refrain from constant use of 
telepathically communicating. Believe me when I say that it?s not a superiority 
complex, just purely habit.

The corner of her mouth turned up in a small smile. "At first, I thought you 
were trying to get to me, I admit. But I know now that it's part of who you 
are, and I'm not going to ask you to be someone else for my sake." 

Laughing lightly, No need to ask, Elissabeth. At the moment I could be someone 
else far too easily. Though I believe he is at peace with you and only truly 
surfaces for closure. Ffej patted her hand resting upon his arm with his other. 

The door to sickbay loomed before them and she stopped and turned to Ffej. "I 
owe you a tremendous thank you. You really came through for me over there... 
and just now... I wanted you to know I appreciated it. And if you need 
anything, just let me know. If this anomaly continues or... well, anything, I'm 
here."

Ffej smiled at her, then turned to the door, triggering to slide open. "Should 
it continue and start to effect my duties, I'll expect to be here myself, but I 
thank you for the offer." Signaling for the medical staff and leaving 
Elissabeth in their care, he turned to leave sickbay. As he crossed the 
threshold he looked back... "We are fine, closure is coming and all will be 
well." An instant after each word was finishing, We are fine, closure is coming 
and all will be well... the echo was felt as it was heard...



                
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