<USS Avalon> D.A.B.D.A: Tormented Roth: Anger- Part 2 by Lieutenant Alder Shimbrodus
- From: Anthony Manson <circus_ofde_damned@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: Avalon Sim <avalon@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 11:58:49 -0700 (PDT)
D.A.B.D.A: Tormented Roth
Anger- Part 2
by Lieutenant Alder Shimbrodus
Things haven?t changed. Out of the shock of the news, I didn?t feel a thing.
Numb to all emotions; I hid from the world. It felt like a black void. Devoid
of any substance, of anything tangible that I could wrap my hands around. The
black space that which only I stood in the middle of. For the past few days, I
was just this disembodied person completing tasks at hand. I just went through
it not caring other then the fact that I got it done and moved on to the next
one. And I still am doing that. Take a station, give my hours due, take a PADD
here or there, complete whatever was on it...and just move on to the next. Like
a drone that had since been neglected over time. I?ve stayed up for days since
Henry?s news, frowning in confusion, angry at the lack of understanding, raged
at the thought that now I was all alone.
Shore leave wasn?t on my mind anymore, it left a long time ago. I stay on this
ship, feeling like an empty vassal doing stupid tasks that- really- I don?t
need to be doing.
I saw Anthony recently, but there was a distance that crept in between us. I
knew, of course, how the space grew and I wanted to tell him. But at same time,
I didn?t know how to tell. Understand, it was just too sudden. I in turn
mumbled something ridiculous and walked away. He called after me, but I just
ignored it. I went into the turbolift to see Anthony just standing there,
confused look with a frown just before the door closed. We had been pretty much
together until recently, and I couldn?t muster much of anything to explain the
current situation to him. I headed for my quarters, it was late, and there was
no use of sticking around; and even if I did, what the hell was I going to do?
I got to my quarters, tossing a PADD I had with me on the table. But then an
unexpected fury overtook me and I was no longer there. Caught behind a shield
as I looked upon myself throwing things around as it broke into uncountable
pieces. By the time I was done, most of my furniture was toppled, destroyed, or
severely damaged. I had crept myself to the bed, yet ended up sitting on the
floor with my right knee bent as I used it for the support of my arms. My eyes
closed, thoughts and memories swarmed me like killer bees.
I was half convinced that maybe some sleep would help me when the computer
chimed in, "it is 0500 hours." I sighed, I might as well get to work. There was
nothing here to do, and taking the day off didn?t solve anything. And certainly
going to earth- where?s the point in that? No, I?d stay on board.
?//\\?
During the end of the day Anthony approached me as he located me in the mess
hall among full of other people. I was starting to think he never left the
ship. What the hell was he still doing here? I had drowned out the crowd
composed of repair teams; I was only here for a cup of tea. He took the seat
opposite of me with a worried look, I closed my eyes as I just didn?t want him
around. He asked me if I was alright, and out of no where I burst at him.
Telling him to mind his own damn business and leave me alone. I know he was
just trying to be there for support- although obviously unsure. But I didn?t
want the support. I didn?t need any; everything was fine I told myself. And I
didn?t need any help with this.
Shouldn?t he be off gallivanting on earth like most of the crew? Why did he
need to be here?
"What?s gotten into you?"
"Nothing, alright! Just...just get away, Jesus, why the hell do you need to
know?"
I glared at him as anger just fueled me and covered my thinking. I didn?t see
Anthony at the time. I only saw a person getting in my affairs that had no
right to be in it. After all, what the hell did he want anyway? He has no right
to keep poking at me, asking if I?m alright. When I?m alright he could bath in
it for all I give a damn. This was not one of those moments. Only moments after
what I realized I said that I wanted to apologize, but he had already gotten up
and left, lost into the crowd.
I didn?t even notice he left. Or rather I did, but I just didn?t care. I got up
and walked off to the nearest exit which was behind me, shaking my head and
reflexively blinking as I just walked. Maybe I should see the counselor, but
then again, I don?t think that would be wise. I still had time, I told myself.
A week from now, the funeral would begin as the end of Henry?s message had
informed me of time, place, and who was going to be there. It?s so hard to
actually tell myself that they are no longer here. I felt tired, like a weight
on me that I couldn?t hold any longer.
I tried finding some sort of way to get to Deneva. There was bound to be a ship
headed that way, and yet not one ship came close enough. Most transports were
heading to the hot spots like Risa, the opposite end to my wanted destination.
The others headed to other colonies where transports there had no other
destination to Deneva. Of course, I could have reserved a seat on a Starfleet
transport ship- that one had left two days ago. It suddenly felt as if reality
was simply being cruel and making it impossible for me to go home. Either that,
or I wasn?t myself enough to actually think clearly and look for all possible
ways. I don?t know, all I know is, there wasn?t a transport, none that would
make it in time for the funeral anyway. I had a week and a half to let
Starfleet know, a week left actually.
How could they die on me? Why...what happened? I didn?t get a message report on
their death. I wanted to know how they died. It was just not good enough that I
receive Henry?s message that dreaded day. I also made no transactions back. I
knew the holodeck would be in a crucial part if I wanted to be there, the ship
could do it. For some reason, my father?s business came in mind; they could
hold its own for now- but it was the least of my concerns.
God, for the life of me, why did they have to go? One day my family was doing
alright, the next it was taken away. Gone, like that, as if the universe
decided it was their time to go, and in that moment, plucked them out of this
vast place of reality. But if it took them, they should?ve taken me as well.
Death called, and it should?ve ended with me. I suppose it was a twisted humor
for fate. To let me live.
I entered my quarters which was a mess of broken things that I owned. Things,
pieces, and barely recognizable objects were everywhere. They took the brunt of
my anger lately. Although I haven?t felt anything, anger was my only source to
alleviate this. I looked around as I entered my quarters and flopped onto the
bed.
I didn?t sleep that night.
And just the same last night, more things became broken, and already destroyed
things were placed under another face of destruction- if you could destroy what
already is destroyed so to speak.
I looked up from my huddling position I took at the edge of the bed. This
couldn?t go on. I had to know what happened. The computer chimed in again,
voicing my "alarm" in that annoying tone. Someone had to change the voice. If I
had a phaser, I?d do it myself.
I got up, cleaned up a little to look presentable. Why I even bothered to do
this simpleminded tasks was beyond me. I changed into a uniform after spending
several minutes trying to find one as I tossed other clothes out of my chest of
drawers.
I looked at the mirror. The traces of sleep deprivation etched into my face. I
did feel tired. I felt very tired. But it was as if my body refused to go into
a restful slumber. I instead kept myself up, and still carried on my duties.
Anger ran my coherent, tormented mind. Confusion and feeling...empty, did
everything to keep me up. I was tired, but now it seemed as if it just didn?t
matter.
?//\\?
The view of people that pass me by have changed. Their posture or attitude
drifted to uncertainty with a small frown forming around their eyebrows. If
they wanted to know what was going on with that look- the could get an eye
full. I manned my station, barely missing a beat in my duties for all I found I
could do was drown myself in work to block the unending thoughts of my family.
Later that day, I got another transmission. From Deneva. And the bad news
finally came.
---------------------------------
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