<USS Avalon> D.A.B.D.A: Broken Tears: Despair- Part 4 by Lieutenant Alder Shimbrodus

D.A.B.D.A: Broken Tears

Despair- Part 4

by Lieutenant Alder Shimbrodus

I walked into my ruined quarters. The reports still laid all over the floor 
with other PADDs that I had long since disregarded. I had stopped re-reading 
them about two days ago. What?s the point? It wouldn?t change anything. And I 
realized that I wasn?t really reading them, I was just looking upon the 
identification pictures of my family- each of them smiling or not- it didn?t 
matter. I was still numb. But some part within me, I raged with enough hatred 
for the man responsible- that given the opportunity- I?d do more than give him 
a swift death. But he was dead, and nothing could have change that. He deserved 
his death, but it didn?t need to be followed by my family. I closed my eyes as 
I laid my head against the door, hoping to catch a peaceful moment. There was 
none.

I had to contact Starfleet soon. A subspace message to the closest Starbase 
would take a day or two, and by the time it reached Deneva, I would need to be 
ready for the funeral in a day or less.

Mustering my already exhausted self control not to break anything more, I 
opened my eyes and instinctively pulled up a toppled chair and activated my 
terminal- to which surprisingly was left untouched. 

I hesitated when it came to the message. How do I write this? It stopped me for 
I didn?t know who how to word this correctly. I sighed, my body feeling a 
stinging pain that I didn?t understand nor knew existed. The only thing that 
flashed on the terminal was the subject the letter was pertaining to. 
Everything after that was a clear black space.

And that was it, my eyes had looked upon that black space and it never advanced 
anywhere. My mind was completely lost, attention that slipped before me. The 
door chimed, I ignored it. Hoping that whoever it was would go away and take 
the hint that either I didn?t want anyone intruding or that I wasn?t here. They 
had to eventually go away. By the fifth chime, I gave in. My voice sounded 
strained and impatient, "what is it?"

"Alder...Alder, it?s me. Can we talk?"

"Not now, Anthony...not now." I shook my head and instinctively rested on my 
hand. "I know something?s wrong Alder. I...your emotions are painful...I didn?t 
read you or anything, I saw it today on duty. Please...please, let me in." 
Anthony quietly asked, a tender voice that needed to know, that wanted to be 
here. 

I looked at the door, my thoughts flying as I wasn?t certain about having 
Anthony know. I didn?t want him to know. Why, I don?t know. There was no logic 
to it, at least I don?t think there was, but it was there- and my reasons were 
good enough. But at the same time, he needed to know. Being this far away from 
home or to any of my relatives, I?ve forgotten that he was the only other 
person I could open up to. It was obvious he took the chance of me snapping at 
him again, and he didn?t care- as long as he was next to me. 

I shook my head, feeling that it was a mistake, but then said, "come in."

He walked in and looked around as the doors silently closed shutting out the 
light outside. Even in the dark I could see his eyebrow lift a little wondering 
how this place became such a mess. But he didn?t comment as the doors behind 
him slid shut and he looked at me. Like a moving shadow he walked towards me 
and collected a chair for himself. But what do I say? How do I say? ?My 
family?s dead?? That simple? My eyes went around the room searching for some 
way to let him know without me breaking. Nothing came to mind as he moved 
forward.

He sat down next to me. There was a moment of silence between us and the 
tension in the room rose another level. My anxiety lost it?s control as I could 
literally hear my heart beating against my chest so hard it felt as if it 
wanted out. It was now or never, I told myself. And never was not a 
possibility, there were ways to find out, and he would eventually if I didn?t 
say anything. Or he could just even read my mind. 

"Shouldn?t you be somewhere? Somewhere off this ship?"

"I haven?t been anywhere Alder. I haven?t gone anywhere." Anthony said softly.

"What about your sister? She was expecting you? And you told-"

"Alder," I looked away, "Alder look at me." I looked hesitantly looked, "tell 
me what?s happening."

Just as I reached for the terminal, he took my hands and I reflexively looked 
into those grey eyes again which had flowed right back into a cool shield, as 
if coming right back to the world and not wavering from what he set out to do. 
"Tell me," he said softly, "I know what the computer can tell me- it can do it 
much easier. But they are words, but words not from you." He trembled a little 
as he tightened the grip of my hands. He knew I was aware of how uncertain he 
was entering into new found sensitivity.

I defied what he wanted me to do, and I looked around, eyes trying to 
concentrate. There, I looked, I was beginning to get up to reach for one of 
those PADDs that was on the table- I didn?t notice it was even there- when he 
tugged my hands lightly, signaling for me to remain seated. "No...you tell me. 
I don?t want to read it, I want to hear it- from you." His eyes began to frown 
and turn into what looked like sadness in the darkness. I didn?t need this 
now...crying won?t help anybody. 

He still looked at me and then touched my face. I felt something cool and 
realized I was crying. "My...my family...they?re...they?re gone," my sentence 
fragmented and I sighed shaking with the efforts to hold still, to keep myself 
together. 

The feeling of confusion and small pain rose up in my low shallow breathing, 
and a heart dropping sensation that came through like a brick falling in air 
every time eyes glanced at a familiar face. It was then I realized that it 
wasn?t my memories. It was Anthony?s. Confusion on why he was left in the dark, 
and then understood the reasons for it. And pain, because it hurt to have him 
see me like this. I had for some unexplainable way got a glimpse of his 
memories in his view point. It was he that usually opened the doors of 
memories, I- however- didn?t know how to nor did I have the psychic ability. 
But he hadn?t opened his mind, I had. And I realized he was so concerned for me 
that the walls around him had readjusted not to fall around him, but to 
surround me as well. A protection of sorts, and I finally understood nothing 
mattered to him now but me. It was as if my intrusion was welcomed with open 
arms.

I looked at him more closely as his grey eyes tried finding a way to hide. Even 
under the most personal and private moments he had never expressed this much 
emotions; constantly hiding- afraid to let go. But I knew now that even with 
his hiding he had one thing to do, and compromising his vulnerability was his 
price- and he would pay gladly. 

I wouldn?t have cried- honest I wouldn?t have, but maybe it was Anthony?s look, 
or his touch; and I became tired. So tired. I broke, my vision blurred more, 
and everything that I went through for the past few days trailed down in a hot 
stream of tears.

He hugged me as tears that was way past overdue came in. I don?t cry, it?s not 
something I?m good at- correction- it?s not something I?m used to. What was I 
suppose to do now? Emotions wasn?t my big thing, even if I was more comfortable 
than Anthony was. His effort alone seemed like a boost for me, but not right 
now. 

All I could do was cry, silent as it was, it was there.


                
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