[tabi] Re: Going through life alone? Try something new in the new year
- From: "Lynn Evans" <evans-lynn@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <tabi@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2011 12:54:21 -0500
There seems to be a place for everyone on the Internet. All you need is a good
search engine.
----- Original Message -----
From: Chip Orange
To: tabi@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Tuesday, January 04, 2011 12:02 PM
Subject: [tabi] Going through life alone? Try something new in the new year
Difference Is the Norm on These Dating Sites
By KAREN BARROW
Sherry Nevius, single and 52, is looking for a mate with all the
important adjectives -- caring, sincere, intelligent, funny. Oh, and
one more thing: disabled.
Born with [7]cerebral palsy, Ms. Nevius uses a wheelchair. She is
independent and mobile, but would prefer to meet a man who could roll
alongside her.
"That way we're on equal ground," she said.
Ms. Nevius has dated several perfectly nice able-bodied men, but none
seemed willing to start a serious relationship.
"I think they were a little bit scared because they didn't know how to
treat me," she said. She lives in Normal, Ill., a town with few single
men around her age, let alone familiar and comfortable with disability.
"It's hard enough to find someone with similar interests," she said.
"Finding someone O.K. with your disability just makes it harder."
So this fall Ms. Nevius took her search online.
Several dating Web sites for singles with health problems have started
up in the last few years. Ms. Nevius joined [8]Dating 4 Disabled, a
site for people with an array of disabilities, including [9]paralysis
and [10]multiple sclerosis. Other sites include [11]NoLongerLonely, for
adults with mental illness, and [12]POZ Personals, for people who are
[13]H.I.V.-positive.
These sites are generally small and run by one person or a small group.
They are all free, although some have a few ads to cover costs.
Michael T. Maurer, 57, a professor of applied [14]psychology at [15]New
York University, came upon POZ Personals while doing research for his
work and found it to be a welcoming community where it was easier to
get to know someone.
"As a gay man from Bucks County, Pa., I thought dating would be easy in
New York, but it didn't prove to be so," Dr. Maurer said.
He said the worst part of dating was the anxiety over disclosing his
H.I.V. status. Getting to know someone in an online community of people
with H.I.V. allows relationships to form without the burden of the big
reveal hovering overhead.
"Here everyone knows you have H.I.V.," he said, "so it gets that
barrier out of the way."
Another site, [16]Prescription4Love, has communities dedicated to
[17]sexually transmitted diseases and physical disabilities, but also
to other diseases that don't conjure images of romance and intimacy,
like [18]diabetes and [19]Parkinson's. The site was created by Ricky
Durham, whose late brother suffered from [20]Crohn's disease -- a
condition that came with literal baggage.
"He was a good-looking boy," Mr. Durham said. "But when do you tell a
girl that you have a [21]colostomy bag? The first date? The third?
There's no good time."
Awkward issues that come with an illness can be discussed frankly and
openly in an online space in which everyone is dealing with something
out of the ordinary.
"Sexuality, travel, mobility, pain: Everything takes on a different
dimension," said Merryl Kaplan, who is in charge of member services for
Dating 4 Disabled.
The anonymity of the Internet allows people to be forthcoming and
honest about what they are truly looking for in a companion. Among the
almost 12,000 members of Dating 4 Disabled, for example, many specify
the types of disabilities they would be open to dealing with in a
long-term relationship.
"Like anyone else, people with disabilities have different
preferences," Ms. Kaplan said. "Someone with good mobility may prefer
someone also mobile; others don't limit at all."
As for Ms. Nevius, the man of her dreams may be paralyzed or blind, but
there is one potential deal breaker: He must be an animal lover.
"My dog and I," she said, "come as a package deal."
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