[ SHOWGSD-L ] Re: showgsd-l Digest V2 #3112
- From: Diane Wright <Diwri@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: ShowGSD-L <showgsd-l@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Mon, 07 Nov 2005 16:36:35 -0500
Hello Jackie,
I am a subscriber via the digest & fairly delete-happy, but I happened across
your post today & it
broke my heart.
>>>>
Many of you have seemed to be able to find some meaning in Zan's death, while I
have not. I feel
guilt, bitterness, I find fault with the one who let him out, I certainly find
no Solace in God,
since that is an ideaology I gave up when I was 11, and I find even less
comfort in those who have
told me "He was just a dog."
Zander was more than "just a dog" to me. For somebody to say that to me, is
like me telling them
their child isn't special, just because it is another child. Strauss is my
heart dog, but Zander is
the dog that allowed me to open it, and, though I ended up poor as dirt, and
had to scrape to pay my
bills (which I have done), I didn't care. I was happy. He was happy
>>>>
I have BEEN where you're at, and it is a miserable, miserable place! The world
sucks, but if it
didn't we'd all fall off!
In February of 98 my husband & I had to put down our first GSD, due to cancer.
We had discovered it
in November of 96, and I had just begun to really think she was "cured" until
the vet found things in
her lungs during a chest xray in October of 97. On the bright side... if there
is such a thing... a
couple weeks after finding the cancer had come back to kill her... we finished
the requirements for
the AKC Herding Championship in Omaha, NE. It was the definition of
bittersweet... trying to be
happy about the HCh while knowing it was just a matter of time before there was
no dog.
In September of 98, my husband went on a hiking trip in Wyoming. On his 2nd or
3rd day into the
trip, he disapeared into a crevace... somewhere on a glacier and was never seen
again. One the
bright side.. again, if there is such a thing... there were some people hiking
above the glacier who
saw him one minute on the glacier and another minute gone. Without a
transporter to beam him up,
there was no way to get off the glacier in that amount of time. A person hiked
a day to get off the
mountain to notify authorities.... then a day to get back up & search. He's
not been located.
The thing(s) that kept me alive during that first year were my dogs.
Especially my handsome Quinn,
who I had hoped would be a show & herding prospect, he'd become a huge part of
my world after the
loss of Chelsea the HCh.
At Christmastime in 99, I went to my home town of Michigan to see my family.
The day after
Christmas, I was visiting my parents' house. Their new neighbors, shot &
killed Quinn, Robin and my
yearling puppy Hope. Quinn & Robin were killed instantly, Hope was a miracle &
survive even with a
bullet passing clean thru her neck.
I blamed myself, and still do. If I had kept them locked in the car that
day... if I had been closer
to them... if I had gone home earlier in the day... if if if. If the 'ifs'
weren't bad enough, there
are also the 'whys'... why Quinn? why me? why why why.
I have never experienced such pain.
I wished to die. Losing Quinn was more painful than the loss of my husband.
Or maybe it just woke
up the feelings of loss... I dunno the reasoning, I only know the pain. I saw
a therapist & got
drugs to help me thru it. Your mileage may vary. I have not been able to
locate a "bright side" to
losing Quinn or Robin.
In October 2000, I went to the National & met a puppy who put a big patch on my
heart. His name
became Jack. I tried, or I told myself I was trying, to keep a distance
between my heart and a dog.
But it really didn't work. Jack turned out to be the best kind of show dog...
the kind who showed me
how to live again. :-)
My not-so-brilliant advice is to keep your heart open to the possibility of
finding another dog to
love. You can't 'replace' the special ones, but you will find a previously
overlooked, un-broken
part of your heart to welcome a new special one. In time, the new special one
helps heal the broken
parts and will make you whole again. I know it's almost impossible to imagine
you'll ever find
another one... be patient and know that the right one will be there for you
when you are ready and
not a moment before.
My 2nd piece of not-so-brilliant advice is to find whatever it is that is
healing for you & do it.
If it's a therapist, some meds, some puppy therapy (visiting any nearby
litters), a change of scenery
(visit an out of town friend) or just talking (in person or in email) with
people who understand
your pain.
My last piece of not-so-brilliant advice is to do herding, agility, or whatever
while you're waiting
to finish or (blasphemy!) instead of finishing. I think you will enjoy the
'do-it-yourself' nature
of the performance world.
I wish there was something that could ease your pain more quickly, in my
experience all that helps is
time....
:-(
Diane
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