1. DAMITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8
hours.
2. ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
3. EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy
by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you
couldn't wait till they moved out.
4. PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
improves flirting.
5. DUMEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q.,
causing enjoyment of country western music.
6. FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage
and the urge to flip off other drivers.
7. MENICILLIN: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to
such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked
now?"
8. BUYAGRA: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency
and duration of spending spree.
9. EXTRA STRENGTH BUY-ONE-ALL: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a
Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
10. JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
11. ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
12. SEXCEDRIN: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear,
I have a headache" syndrome.
13. ANTIBOYOTICS: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in
improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on
make-up.
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