[ourplace] Major Tom, The NASA Investigation

From: "Vickie" <rolisonv@xxxxxxxxx>
To: "Our Place List" <ourplace@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 2016 23:11:14 -0700

BlankI am going through old emails and came across this one. So since David
Buoy has died, I thought I’d pass it along.
Vickie

For those of you familiar with the famous Dave Bowie song Space Oddity from
1969. "Ground Control to Major Tom..."

For those who need a refresher:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFks9A9TCF0

Major Tom: The NASA Investigation.
BY: George Meyer.

RESULTS OF NASA ' S INQUIRY INTO FLIGHT PV-801 : Multiple lapses by Ground
Control, compounded by astronaut error, led to the stranding in space of
U.S.A.F. Major Thomas D. Ogletree (MAJOR TOM ).

Established procedures were not followed; flawed decision-making was rampant
and systemic. Below are excerpts from the official CAPCOM transcript, with
comments by the investigators.

1. GROUND CONTROL: Ground Control to Major Tom. Take your protein pills and put
your helmet on .

The panel found the command to swallow nutritional supplements just moments
before liftoff to be reckless and foolhardy. In addition, the panel determined
that T minus ten seconds was far too late in the launch sequence for Major Tom
to "put [his] helmet on. Consequently, his CO2 purge valve went unchecked, and
he did not have time to rub his visor with anti-fog compound.

2. GROUND CONTROL: Commencing countdown, engines on .

The panel found it bizarre to be "commencing countdown" near what is obviously
the end of the countdown. In fact, a background voice can be heard saying ". .
. six . . ." as the countdown is "commencing. Moreover, activating engine
thrust requires a complex multi-step protocol, and cannot be accomplished
merely by saying, "Engines on. One investigator compared this to a small child
ordering, "Car go fast!"

3. GROUND CONTROL: Check ignition and may God's love be with you .

At liftoff, capsule video clearly shows Major Tom, his mouth stuffed with
protein pills, looking flummoxed. He paws at the control console (trying to
check ignition?) , then sees his helmet lying on the floor, still in its
protective bag (!). The Major scrambles frantically, almost comically, to screw
on the helmet as powerful g-forces buffet his body.

4. GROUND CONTROL: This is Ground Control to Major Tom. You've really made the
grade!

This empty praise, just forty-six seconds into the flight, is perhaps intended
to divert attention from the helmet fiasco. What is indisputable is that
coolant is spraying wildly from the Major's helmet seal.

5. GROUND CONTROL: . . . and the papers want to know whose shirts you wear .

No corroboration could be found for this strange statement. Certainly,
astronauts are not known for their snappy dress. (In recent years, the most
discussed piece of astronaut fashion was a diaper.)

6. GROUND CONTROL: Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare .

The panel felt that the gratuitous addendum "if you dare" showed poor judgment,
and may have rattled Major Tom. (Later, we hear the even more baffling "Take
out your comfort pillow if you dare.")

7. MAJOR TOM: . . . and I'm floating in a most peculiar way .

Panelists were incredulous that a seasoned astronaut could be unfamiliar with
basic weightlessness. Lax training was cited.

8. MAJOR TOM: For here am I sitting in a tin can . . .

This cheap shot at his spacecraft from the usually courteous Major is
troubling. Is he beginning to unravel? At Cape Canaveral, the designers of the
capsule can be heard sighing in humiliation.

9. MAJOR TOM: Planet Earth is blue . . .

Taxpayers who spent $4.8 billion on the mission were surely not thrilled with
this banal observation.

10. MAJOR TOM: . . . and there's nothing I can do .

Sadly accurate, as vital silkworm experiments go undone, and no docking is
achieved with the International Space Station, despite its location, just
eighteen inches away.

11. MAJOR TOM: . . . and I think my spaceship knows which way to go .

This remark cannot inspire confidence.

12. MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much . . . she knows .

Major Tom is not married.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

1. In future NASA missions, the use of Dyna-Z Protein POW!!! should be
curtailed. The pills are unnecessary, and their source (the flight director's
daughter Melanie) creates a conflict of interest.

2. In no event should protein-pill consumption delay the far more critical
putting on of the helmet.

3. Ground Control must project a calm, steady authority. Remarks like "Your
circuit's dead, there's something wrong! sound panicky and unprofessional.
Better would be "Major Tom? We're looking into a technical issue. Please stand
by. Light, reassuring music could follow, e.g., "Hey, Good Lookin' (Whatcha Got
Cookin'?) ," by Hank Williams.

4. If communication is interrupted, we suggest the standard "Do you copy? Over.
Repeatedly pleading "Can you hear me, Major Tom? better suits a needy, neurotic
lover than the world's foremost space program.

5. Finally, a rescue mission should be launched at the earliest convenience to
return Major Tom to Earth. The Major's frequent call-ins to morning radio
programs may be entertaining, but his erratic, hobo-like opinions and dirty
language could alarm budding astronauts.

Follow-Ups:
- [ourplace] Re: Major Tom, The NASA Investigation
  - From: Sandy

[ourplace] Major Tom, The NASA Investigation

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