[lit-ideas] and now for a bit of humour....

Unofficial Transcript from Cheney/Bush Meeting with 9/11 Commissioners 
4/30/2004
In a stunning coup, the Daily Reality Check has obtained an historic 
exclusive: an unofficial (and completely fake) transcript from yesterday's 9/11 
commission interview with Cheney and Bush. There was no formal recording of the 
meeting, so the following text has been loosely pieced together from the notes 
of 
a 9/11 commission staffer. 
CHAIRMAN THOMAS KEAN (R): Mr. President, Mr. Vice President, on behalf of the 
commission, I'd like to thank you for taking time to meet with us in the Oval 
Office this morning. I think we can all agree that this is of the utmost 
importance, even if these are unusual circumstances.

PRES. BUSH: Sure thing. The American people need to learn about these thugs 
and assassins, these enemies of freedom, these evildoing evildoersâ?¦

VICE PRES. CHENEY: [aside to Bush] Save some for later, George.

KEAN: Right, well, that being said, before we get started, I think I speak 
for all the commissioners here today when I say that, Mr. President, I think 
we'd all feel a little more comfortable if you weren't sitting on the vice 
president's lap.

[Cheney nods and Bush moves.]

COMMISSIONER SLADE GORTON (R): Gentlemen, what we're discussing today is a 
very serious issue. We're looking for difficult answers about our nation's 
greatest tragedy, and so my first question is this: Remember that time after 
9/11 
in New York when you grabbed that bullhorn and spoke to the people? Was that 
the greatest show of leadership ever, or what?

BUSH: Thanks Slady, that was good, wasn't it. I wanted to be sure to send a 
message to all those enemies of freedom, so I grabbed that bullhorn. At the 
time, it seemed the best thing to do. Later we figured the best way to send a 
message would be to attack a completely different country: Iraq. 

CHENEY: [clears his throat, then shoots a disgusted look over at Bush] I 
think what the president meant to say was that there are many terrorists out 
there, in all shapes and sizes: al Qaeda members, Hussein loyalists, pro-choice 
demonstrators. 

COMMISSIONER JAMIE GORELICK (D): President Bush, you have often saidâ?¦
[realizes the president has become preoccupied with a bug on the window]â?¦um, 
Vice 
President Cheney then, people in this administration have repeatedly said that 
terrorism was your highest priority upon assuming office. Yet Attorney General 
John Ashcroft didn't include terrorism on his list of priorities, National 
Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice appears to have done little to nothing to 
alert 
the president on the issue, and CIA Director George Tenet â??whose hair was 
supposedly on fire â?? barely met with the president in the month before 
September 
11. How can this be considered your highest priority? 

CHENEY: Commissioner Gorelick, again, you must remember that terrorism takes 
many, many forms. Were we completely focused on al Qaeda? No. Did everyone in 
the administration [subtly gestures over to the president] even know who al 
Qaeda was? No. But that's not to say we weren't fighting terrorism. What about 
the terror inflicted on this great nation by the estate tax? Or astronomical 
taxes on special interests? Why is that never mentioned? We moved swiftly to 
eliminate these forms of evil terrorism, and everyone in the administration is 
proud of our record. 

Or what about the terror inflicted by international abortion education 
programs? Talk about your global terror networks! That's why, within the first 
weeks 
of the Cheney/Bush administration, we moved to sign the Global Gag Rule, 
preventing any US funds from reaching any of these health clinics. Again, we 
are 
quite proud of these efforts.

[President Bush leaps off the couch to smack the bug on the windowsill. He 
misses badly, then slinks back to his seat next to Cheney.]

BUSH: Goshdarned flies. Tired of swatting.

COMMISSIONER JOHN LEHMAN (R): President Bush, what was your reaction when you 
saw the August 6, 2001 PDB entitled, "Bin Laden Determined to Strike In US"?

BUSH: I skimmed it â?? actually didn't read it all. Stuck a copy of 
"Bassmaster" magazine inside of it and pretended to read it. Old high school 
trick. 
"Bassmaster" is a good magazine, written by good wholesome American people. Al 
Qaeda members don't fish. 

[Bush's voice changes audibly to a familiar low grumble.] As Condoleezza Rice 
told you earlier, I requested that PDB because I was concerned about al 
Qaeda's efforts, but it did not contain any new threat information. It was 
based on 
historical evidence. The fact that I requested such a document is evidence of 
our commitment to fighting terror before 9/11.

[Commissioners sit in stunned silence. Finally Bob Kerrey speaks.]

KERREY: Mr. President, are you ok?

CHENEY: I'mâ?¦uh, he's fine. 

[The fly has returned to the windowsill. President Bush is once again 
transfixed.]

KERREY: Nice trick, Mr. Vice President. From now on, we'll just ask you the 
questions directly and spare everyone some embarrassment. If counterterrorism 
was of such high importance to this administration, why did no one respond to 
Dick Clarke's reports? Why did your counterterrorism task force not meet even 
once before 9/11? Couldn't this be read as a sign of neglect?

CHENEY: We did everything we could, short of actually getting together and 
meeting face to face. It took awhile to decide on a task force logo, and 
creating a new letterhead and business cards is quite a time-consuming process 
with 
all that bureaucratic red tape that tree-hugging liberals love to put in place. 
My first antiterror business card read, "Vice President Cheny." Now what 
terrorist is going to respect that?

[Bush has resumed his war against the fly. He pulls a cigarette lighter in 
the shape of Texas out of his pocket and creeps toward the window.]

COMMISSIONER RICHARD BEN-VENISTE (D): What about the August 2001 CIA briefing 
paper entitled, "Islamic Extremist Learns to Fly"? Did that provide any 
clues? 

BUSH: I can answer that â?? 

CHENEY: Shhh! Sorry. What the president was going to say is that he was 
completely focused on fighting the terror war from his ranch in Crawford, Texas 
at 
that time. The president finds that he does some of his best thinking about 
how best to fight terrorism while clearing brush from his ranch, fishing, and 
eating Texas BBQ. As for myself, at that point, my counterterrorism task force 
was still deadlocked over the important issue of where we should hold our first 
lunch meeting. 

[Bush leaps off the couch and closes the window drapes, trapping the fly. The 
commissioners and Vice President Cheney watch in horror as Bush holds the 
drapes shut and lights them on fire to kill the bug. The room is quickly 
engulfed 
in smoke, and everyone is forced to evacuate the disaster area.]

KEAN: I guess that will be all for today. Gentlemen, thank you, I guessâ?¦

BUSH: Mission accomplished!

[end transcript]


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