[lit-ideas] Re: Stuff off my chest, and onto yours, with plea for help

I probably should explain why I think the following lines amuse me. When last I was there, Scotland had no bumper stickers, sardonic forms of communication that many of us here in America enjoy. Neither do they have much of interest when it comes to souvenir t- shirts. Yes, there are lots of references to kilts and willies and Irn Bru and being drunk, but things could be better. And yet the Scots are often sardonic. So I have imagined starting a bumper sticker/t-shirt company--I suppose I might still try this--called "Brill" or "Unprofessional Products Ltd." with a slogan "Now *That's* Unprofessional!" What say you? Should I give it a go? 



Mind You, We've Always Had a Soft Spot for the English
[Yeah, right]

Come Away In Mr. Burns, Your Supper's Still Warm

Castles, Kilts, Bagpipes, Mists and Midges; What More Could a Body Want?

The Campbells Are Coming...Run Away, Run Away
[Here you have to know the original song and the history of Campbell massacres...in the plural] 

That's No a Dagger, Mrs. MacB.; it's a Dirk
[ever willing to help]

Gin, Body and Rye, Please
[Order in a pub?]

When the Wee Frees and the Wee Wee Frees Go for Tea, Who Pays?
[Obscure religious ref., I'll agree.  But funny, surely?]

Oor Kirk Has Arse Number Pews
[Does everyone know about sleep number beds?]

Look, A Highlander.  No, Step Back, There's *Two* of Them
[Punchline of an old joke]

Edinburgh, Crowded with Genius; Glasgow... Crowded, with Culture
[The first bit may run into copyright problems, it being the title of a book on the Enlightenment]
What a View... The Light on the Isles... Where's A Bluddy Piper When You Need One? 
[The Scots are so sentimental]

Ardnamuchan... It's Got a Point!
[And a lighthouse.  Woohoo.]
What if They Made a T.V. Show or Film Without the Eilean Donan Castle in? 
[Every bloomin' film about Scotland has the E.D. castle somewhere]
Dinna Fash Yersel Queenie Ow'r a Wee Bittie Stoon; it'll Dunt Yer Speerits Doon [Don't worry, your Majesty, the Stone of Scone will surely be returned by those thieving students] 

Cook?  My Grannie Could Make Flavour Out o' Mist

Scottish Sushi: Deep Fried Mars Bars wi' Seaweed Round the Outside

Lamb Chops; Because My Collie's Smarter Than Your Sheep

These Vegetables Are Reserved for People With No Teeth
[Ah, Scottish vegetables, boiled to extinction]

Beside the Bonny Oil Refinery
[riffing off the title of a novel]

Is That Your Family Tartan?  No.  Bought it in the Second Hand Shop
[My father's attitude to tartanry]

Mothers Don't Let Your Children Grow Up to be Kelpies
[Again, obscure, but funny if you know what a kelpie is]

Diversion Ahead: Please Look the Other Way
[This one's for the Presbyterians of Perth, who will look away from anything interesting] 

School: There's Highers, Lowers and Nutters
[Exams used to be called highers and lowers]

Gold Medal, Glasgow Salmon Kissing Championship
[Again, the punch line of an old joke]

Silver Medal, Light Athletics
[As opposed to the Heavy Athletics, chucking great lumps of stuff about]

Willy Wallace Did Not Have a Wobbly Bum, Unlike Some

Second Deputy Assistant Vice President o' Coo Branding

Sing One o' They Gaelic Ballads.  That'll Cheer Them Up.
Words To Make A Sturdy Scot Quake and Maybe Run Away..."Silvery Bridge Over the River Tay" 

Is it a Real *Person's* Life in the Tartan Army, D'ya Think?
[Old British Army recruiting poster, featuring piper, "It's a man's life in the regular army." The Tartan Army bills itself as a peaceful, fun-loving crowd that supports Scottish football] 

Scottish Oat Feeling Champion, Beginner's Division
[You have to know what "feeling your oats" means]

Dating a Celtic Boy Scout; it's Just Knot On
[The last bit's just fun to say in a Scottish accent]

Can I Borrow Your Phone, Pet?  I Need to See Winners in the Fishing
[I imagine a photo here of a tough old fishwife]
Warning! This Stretch of Scotland is Defended by Dogs, Armed to the Teeth... Wi' Teeth 
[I know I've used the line before, but I still find it funny]

Sorry, We're All Out of History
[Memory of a grocery store, "Sorry, we're all out of beans. Peas are very nice."] 

Surely There Was a Deluge *Before* You?  I Know I Felt a Drop

oorSwords, Now With Two Modes: Freedom and Mute

Haggi: Why the Romans Halted

You Can't Live on Scenery
[My father's explanation of why we moved to London]

David Ritchie,
Portland, Oregon

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