[lit-ideas] Secrets of the Music Biz
- From: Eric Yost <eyost1132@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 03:07:59 -0400
(Pro Source "unknown")
1. The badness of a musical composition is directly proportional to
the number of violas in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why instrumental parts are written in transposed
pitch. Especially trumpet parts in E.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have perfect pitch
are telling you that their sense of relative pitch is defective.
4. The most valuable function performed by a Wagnerian opera is its
ability to drown out a rock concert.
5. You should never say anything to a sideman that even remotely
sounds like a compliment unless you are prepared to pay double scale.
6. A string sample saved is worthless.
7. Wynton Marsalis can hold all the Lincoln Center Jazz Concerts he
wants. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the
Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few
microorganisms, the microorganisms will still prefer Yanni.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is Andrew Lloyd Webber.
9. The one thing that unites all non-musicians, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, they all have below-average musical taste.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your musical talent. That time is age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "arranging" and "mental
illness." This doesn't apply to John Barbe.
12. People who want you to listen to their music almost never want to
listen to yours.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer
that generates music for television dramas. When TV composers need a
new dramatic cue, they turn on this computer; after sorting through
millions of possible musical themes, it spits out, "ONE LONG LOW
SCARY NOTE ON A SYNTHESIZER," and this becomes the cue. The next time
they need a cue, the computer spits out, "TWO LONG SCARY NOTES ON A
SYNTHESIZER." And so on, ad infinitum. We need to locate this
computer and destroy it with hammers - - along with TV producers and
entertainment lawyers.
14. No group singer is normal.
15. At least once per year, Bill Conti will become very excited and
announce that: (1) His producers loved the first theme he played for
them; (2) They loved the second theme even more than the first; (3)
He has never composed anything they didn't love.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason composers may
someday achieve their full potential, that word would be "copyists."
17. The main accomplishment of Disney Studios was the film "Fantasia"
in which they ripped-off Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" by paying his
agent $2500, of which Stravinsky received $500.
18. The value of a composer's agent is to convince the producer that
using a music-cue library would not be cheaper than hiring a composer.
19. If there really is a Devil who is out to destroy the universe by
means of vile conspiracies, and if God decides to deliver this
message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger - - Oliver
Stone. But John Williams will write the score.
20. You should not confuse your lack of musical talent with your
inferiority complex.
21. A movie producer who is suddenly nice to you is not really a nice
person. It means he is thinking about hiring another composer,
probably John Williams.
22. No matter what happens at a recording session (for example, the
players shout "Bravo" and applaud) somebody will still find something
wrong with your music, and the producer will begin to have doubts.
Serious doubts.
23. When musical problems in a film arise and things look bad, there
is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to
take command. Very often, that individual is the producer's
brother-in-law. He is a (budding) composer.
24. Your friends love you, even if you are tone-deaf.
25. Nobody cares if you can't compose music well. Just go ahead and
compose. You are sure to succeed... if you suck up to the right
person.
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