[Linux-Anyway] Microsoft Office 2003
- From: Godwin Stewart <gstewart@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: Linux-Anyway <Linux-Anyway@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2003 11:23:46 +0200
Note: this is a parody of the official announcement to be found here:
http://money.excite.com/ht/nw/bus/20031019/hle_bus-n1784370.html
C&C warning applies.
Microsoft to Launch Revamped Office
By M.S. Lapdog
SEATTLE (MSwire) - Next week, Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) plans to announce
their most aggressive software innovation in over a decade. Known to
insiders as "Microsoft Office 2003", it will seamlessly integrate word
and data functions with well-known and effective enhancements such as
the Help Paperclip, Bob, and the Blue Screen of Death which will be
renamed the Operator Status Check in much the same way CTRL-ALT-DEL
has be designated the "attention signal". The Operator Status Check
is to ensure the user has not fallen asleep or walked away in the
belief the application is capable of processing data without routine
interaction, and is not a duplication of the attention signal.
Spokesman Hua Support explained that this stunning new development
will do away with unsolicited advertising email by implementing an
onboard implied consent DLL that automatically responds
enthusiastically and affirmatively to unseen permission requests. "We
know that spam consists of unasked-for messages, so we have worked
diligently with the industry leaders to ensure all messages arrive via
AutoConsent[tm], a feature we found remarkably easy to implement once
the AutoRequest[tm] mechanism was in place." Every application in the
Office suite -- word, data, presentations -- will immediately display
all such email immediately upon receipt. If the applications are not
running when the message is received, they will automatically start
to display the information received.
Responding to comments from the audience that it would be "...a nice
feature, but how do you turn it off?", Hua Support pointed out that
email is a critical method of communication to the vast majority of
users, so there is no way to turn it off unless you want to adjust the
Registry. Registry adjustments, by the way, have been made even less
stable: any change not authorized and confirmed by the Microsoft
website -- you must be online to make registry changes -- will cause a
system restart while the Registry is rebuilt to Microsoft defaults.
In another response, Hua Support noted that AutoConsent[tm] replaces
the previous ImpliedConsent[tm] technology, which is no longer
supported since it is not a MS-DLL, but will nonetheless remain in
widespread use for the forseeable future. Developers are cautioned
to maintain their applications for both technologies until advised
otherwise.
Taking a hint from the General Motors marketing playbook, there will
be a wide variety of versions available, from $149.00 for the academic
edition to $5150.00 for the professional edition. Primary differences
between the various editions will be the "look and feel" of each
package (much like GMs annual new paint job and hood ornament across
the entire line), the length of time to install the package (the
professional edition will take much longer to install, providing the
all-important joy of ownership to the purchaser), as well as myriad
layers of extra-cost World Famous Microsoft Support[tm], which will no
longer be bundled with the package since people keep asking the same
questions anyway. You should remember the answers by now, people!
Another breakthrough, notes Hua Support, is that the Office programs
can look over the network to find other Office programs and interact
with them using the same AutoRequest[tm] and AutoConsent[tm] DLLs to
ensure maximum LAN bandwidth usage, always a critical factor in any
computing environment. The ability to display each email message
received by any one computer on all workstations throughout the
enterprise will ensure employees are thoroughly informed of every
development -- whether relevant or not -- within and without the
organization.
This feature was greeted with enthusiasm by the herbal viagra,
college diploma, and exotic woman industries, a vibrant part of
the rapidly growing Internet economy.
For compatibility purposes, noncompliant office suites from Corel and
Open Office will automatically be detected and removed. A fresh copy
of Microsoft Office will be automatically installed (additional drive
space will be freed as necessary without operator intervention), with
multiple bills for additional user licenses as necessary sent from
Redmond in accordance with the EULA and AutoConsent[tm] agreements.
Industry analysts greeted the announcement with fervor and excitement,
since it gives them something to analyze.
--
G. Stewart -- gstewart@xxxxxxxxxxx -- gstewart@xxxxxxxxxxx
Registered Linux user #284683 (Slackware 9.0)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
To unsubcribe send e-mail with the word unsubscribe in the body to:
Linux-Anyway-Request@xxxxxxxxxxxxx?body=unsubscribe
Other related posts:
- » [Linux-Anyway] Microsoft Office 2003
