Re: Louise
- From: "Yardbird" <yardbird@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <jfw@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Sun, 24 Dec 2006 16:42:12 -0800
This story really cracked me up. It's just perfect. It's hilarious. spot
on in every detail. Thanks for the Christmas present of a hearty laugh.
Now, no doubt, someone's gonna say the post had nothing to do with Jaws, and
so forth. But God bless us, every one, regardless.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Milton" <mdimon@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: "Barb Dimon" <dimonva@xxxxxxxxx>; <jfw@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Cc: "Murry Dimon" <mdimon@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sent: Sunday, December 24, 2006 4:28 PM
Subject: Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor panty hose hung empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of
course, they don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an
adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store,
don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three
hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!"
"Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that
could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the
car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll
is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a
French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-
girlfriends.)
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the
box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I
settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door
key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa
had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling
panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left
the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back
and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to
set Rover straight.
We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the
rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except
that we forgot that Grandma and and Grandpa would be there. My
grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her
clothes?" Granny continued.
I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer
her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on
Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him
she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the
mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas
at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise
made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning.
The she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and
fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants
and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in
the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back
of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in
several bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
--
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