Watch closely, listen carefully, and love unconditionally
The wise adult is the one who watches and listens first before making quick
judgments and reactions that invalidate the child. Autism experiences the
world differently, processes information differently and communicates in a
different manner. Until we *understand* the way the child experiences the
world, and identify how he communicates his experiences, we will continue
to react in ways that invalidates the child.
Why does the child act the way he does? Why does he say and do what he
does? Why does he seem so detached, but totally engulfed at the same
time? Why does he melt down with little warning and engage in the same
repetitive routines over and over? Why does he resist any attempts to help
him? There are so many unknowns in our attempts to help them. However,
sometimes we attempt to help too quickly before we *understand* what help
they actually need.
I think we panic because we want answers now and to help immediately. We
think that trying to change the child is helping the child. However, I
plead with parents to first hold off from jumping in with interventions and
simply spend time watching and engaging with your child until you can see
the world from his or her perspective and *understand* what value and
meaning the behavior has for them. Behavior is communication, and all
behavior has functional value for the person. Every child is doing what
they can to feel safe and accepted. Every child is trying to bring harmony
to his life and those around him.
When your nervous system is disorganize and the world is confusing and
scary, you act in ways that often seem irrational and dysfunctional.
However, if we sit back, watch, listen and assume that the behavior has
functional meaning then you will eventually figure it out. Once you do,
the behavior makes sense and the path to supporting the child becomes more
obvious.
*Understand* what their self-stimulation means to them. Watch carefully at
their ritualistic routines and maybe engage in them with them, to feel what
they feel. Don't be in such a hurry to suppress because it is different.
Value his world before asking him to value yours. Learn what helps them
feel safe and secure, what excites them and what scares them. Learn what
will attract them and what will overwhelm them. Identify their preferences
and build learning experiences around their preferences. Work with them,
right alongside of them. First *understand* their world and then build off
from that, rather than trying to change their world. We must meet the
children where they are at, be a working partner with them for them to
trust following our lead.
All children want to feel safe, loved and loving! All children will do
well if they can. When they are not doing well, the demands they are under
outweigh their current skills for dealing with them. They are struggling
to deal with the demands they are experiencing and their behavior is an
attempt to escape, avoid or communicate the frustration they are
experiencing. Without *understanding* how they experience the world, what
meaning their behavior has for them and what helps them feel safe and
secure, our attempts to help them will can actually hurt them.
There is no substitute for spending time just hanging with your child,
unconditionally engaging and loving the child and most importantly learning
to read and *understand* how they perceive and deal with their world. The
best gift you can give your child is your unconditional love,
*understanding* and acceptance. That gift consists of giving them your
time, your attention and ability to watch and listen with an open mind.
Once you see the world the way they do, you can then work together to make
that world more predictable, *understandable* and much more safe.
Slow down and *understand* first! The rest becomes easier.
