[guide.chat] news various and end of world 2012
- From: vanessa <qwerty1234567a@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: "GUIDE CHAT" <guide.chat@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Mon, 2 Jan 2012 11:30:07 -0000
2012: End of the world
Sunday Magazine Feature
Published: January 1, 2012
There's no point making long term plans, because on December 21st 2012, the
Long Count calendar used by the Mayan civilisation completes its thirteenth
b'ak'tunb'ak'tu (or 'cycle' for the shamelessly ignorant) for the first time in
a span of approximately 5,125 solar years.
Since the Maya are long gone and probably enjoying themselves in the great El
Dorado in the sky, no one really knows the significance of this day. Which can
only mean one thing:
IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!
Conspiracy theorists are having a field day blogging from their mothers'
basements and people are minting money building bunkers for, and selling gas
masks to, the gullible (read: lunatic) fringe. We expect mass panic, widespread
power outages, a complete collapse of law and order and total governmental
paralysis. In short, an average Pakistani Tuesday.
Of course, some wet blankets insist that the ending of a Mayan calendar only
means the dawn of a new spiritual age, but we know that's just a marketing ploy
to sell Deepak Chopra's new book. Unfortunately, even if the world does end, it
won't be in time to prevent the release of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2.
Of course, just because you know the world is going to end doesn't mean that
you know how it's going to end. So we're going to tell you:
Doomsday 101
1-The Great Galactic Alignment of 2012
One of the many apocalyptical theories is that the galaxy will realign and
somehow create a combined gravitational effect between the Sun and the super
massive black hole at the centre of our galaxy, thus wreaking havoc on Earth.
Some doomsayers use the term 'galactic alignment' to describe a very different
phenomenon, prophesying that mass extinctions are not a random event but recur
every 26 million years with December 21, 2012 being the date for the next one.
2-Geomagnetic Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Reversal
Often mistaken as a polar shift, this theory states that a massive solar flare
would release energy equal to 100 billion (Yes, billion with a B) atomic bombs
and trigger a geomagnetic reversal of the earth's magnetic poles. North will
become South, destroying Earth's climate, flora and fauna and also effectively
changing the title of the next instalment of Om Puri's East is East series. On
the plus side, the Houbara Bustard won't be able to fly to Pakistan that year
and will thus avoid getting shot.
3-Planet X marks the spot AKA Nibiru to you too
One of the most popular theories among doomsday proponents and near-complete
idiots is the Planet X/Nibiru hypothesis. This is a planet, discovered
apparently by the ancient Babylonians, that has an unpredictable orbit that
makes it swing into Earth's solar system every once in a while. Planet X-ers
claim that Planet X/Nibiru will collide with or pass by Earth in 2012,
causing?you guessed it?THE END OF THE WORLD!!!! The idea was first put forward
in 1995 by Nancy Lieder, who described herself as a contactee with the ability
to receive messages from extra-terrestrials from the Zeta Reticuli star system
through an implant in her brain. Nancy, bless her heart, was apparently chosen
to warn mankind that the object would sweep through the inner Solar System in
May 2003 causing Earth to undergo a pole shift that would destroy most of
humanity. Nothing happened. The (revised) date for this event is now?wait for
it?2012!
4-Nostra-Yo Mama-damus
The great Nostradamus has spoken, the end of the world is nigh. Nostradamus
writes in one of his quatrains, "In the sky will be seen a great fire dragging
a trail of sparks." Nostra-Fans say that this line clearly suggests the coming
of a comet almost the size of Jupiter which will pass close to the earth
causing the oceans to rise and the earth to shake. Better go buy an underground
bunker since old man Nostradamus has never been wrong? at least in hindsight.
5-The Vogon Hyperspace Bypass
Although not commonly known, this theory is quite popular in the ET office. It
is believed that come December 21st, the earth will be destroyed to make way
for a hyperspace bypass for interstellar traffic. For more information, contact
Arthur Dent. Don't panic.
POLITICS
Well, regardless of whether we all end up dying in one of several possible
apocalyptic scenarios?a few high-profile world leaders may just have to carve
tombstones for their political ambitions. That's because it's ELECTION YEAR,
PEOPLE!!!!!
The race for the White House
Apart from the end of the world as we know it, 2012 may also mark the end of
Barack Obama's tenure as President of the United States. Expectations were
absurdly high in the autumn of 2008 when Obama promised "change we can believe
in", but it all went downhill after that, and the only change the American
people can see is what's left in their wallets after they were emptied by
bailouts, job cuts and the recession. What gives us solace here in Pakistan is
that we're not the only nation whose politicians rely on false promises to get
elected and then sink their voters for the sake of petty political gain.
The 2012 battle for the White House is going to be fierce, what with a
semi-failed president, a Sarah Palin knock off who, creepily enough, never
blinks, and the guy who thinks Palestinians were invented by Walt Disney.
Let's take a look at the contestants in the greatest reality show on Earth.
The Democratic Party
Barack Obama, incumbent President of the United States
Loves:
Change
Long walks on the White House promenade
Teleprompters
Abortion
Hates:
Change
Killing Osama Bin Laden too early
Smoking
Fox News
Challengers:
Republican Party
Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House
Loves:
Historical Fiction
Dinosaurs
Pope Benedict
Space
Child Labour
Hates:
Free Speech
Islamists
Atheism
The Judiciary
Pakistan
Michele Bachmann, US Representative from Minnesota
Loves:
Tea Parties
Serial killer John Wayne Gacy
Nuking Iran
Ludwig von Mises
Hates:
Human papillomavirus (HPV) vaccine
Blinking
Evolution
Gays
Pakistan
Rick Perry, Governor of Texas
Loves:
The Bible
The Death Penalty
The Death Penalty for mentally retarded inmates
Guns
Hates:
Foreign Aid
Elitists
Homosexuality
Alcoholism
Pakistan
Independent
Roseanne Barr, actress and comedian
Loves:
Kabbalah
Macadamia nuts
Green Tea Party
Occupy Wall Street
Hates:
Wall Street Bankers
Movies
Men
Robert "Naked Cowboy" Burck, a street performer from New York
Loves:
Singing
Nakedness
His guitar
Westerns
Hates:
Trademark infringement
Dallas Cowboys
Naked Cowgirl
So that's the line-up for US presidential candidates. On second thought, maybe
Obama shouldn't be too worried. And on the plus side, if any of those guys
actually win, your 2012 end-of-the-world bunker will also work for when one of
these nutjobs actually starts Armageddon.
Mayhem in Mother Russia
March 2012 brings us Czar Vladimir 'I know Judo' Putin's attempt at a third
term as Russia's President. However, it's not all hunk-dory for the former KGB
man, as Russians are already up in arms and out on the streets in protest
against what they see as a rigged election. Huddling in a Kremlin bunker, Putin
is said to be relying on Russia's greatest military minds: General January and
General February to decimate the protesters the same way they took out Napoleon
and Hitler. Of course, the French and Germans didn't have General Vodka on
their side. The protesters do.
Au revoir to Monsieur Sarkozy?
Fed up with his too-fond-of-fromage countrymen, Former French president Charles
de Gaulle once complained that is was impossible to govern a nation that has
two hundred and forty-six different kinds of cheese. Well, it increasingly
looks like the French are looking at Sarkozy with all the love a lactose
intolerant person has for a particularly putrid slice of Limburger. So, the
upcoming April elections may have us bid au revoir to the current French
president. With his opinion polls ranking tanking, nothing he does seems to
make any difference, from expelling gypsies to bombing Libya to trying to ban
the sale of Sarkozy Voodoo dolls. Come May, he may find his only remaining job
is as Carla Bruni's boy-toy.
Who's afraid of the big bad brotherhood?
Apparently everyone except the Egyptians themselves. One of the biggest fears
of Western governments and media is set to come true in 2012 as Egypt's Muslim
Brotherhood put their President in place. Meanwhile the Brotherhood itself is
bending over backwards to prove that they aren't the political wing of al Qaeda
and are in fact the only real political force in Egypt, and spin doctors in
Washington DC are trying to figure out how to reconcile love for democracy with
hate for Islamism. However, unless the MB decides to have a massive strip-off
in Tahrir square while swilling beer and roasting pork chops, it's unlikely
that the US will be convinced.
Monarchy's Energizer Bunny just keeps going?and going?and going
As Mel Brooks famously said in History of the World Part 1, "It's good to be
King." Well, it's even better to be the Queen of England.
While lesser mortals fret and fume about elections and opinion polls, you're
sitting pretty in a shocking pink outfit and living large on public expense and
the returns from centuries of global plunder. And you're pretty much immortal
to boot. That's right, 2012 marks the 60th year of Queen Elizabeth II as the
reigning monarch of England?and the diamond jubilee celebration on 3 June 2012
promises to be quite a bash.
Ostentatious celebrations - a grand concert in London, a nation-wide bank
holiday and a majestic maritime parade of a thousand boats and other events on
River Thames- are only part of the celebrations. And they're not just limited
to the UK. Canada and Australia- which are still under British dominion- have
also planned to construct expensive commemorative tokens for their monarch.
Raising an eyebrow already? Unfortunately you are part of only a tiny coterie
of sceptics. While Britons are quick to assault policemen and protest in the
freezing cold against rising unemployment and inflation, they are happy to
squander their tax money on the royal family. After all, what more do
financially troubled commoners want other than watching sumptuous revelries
organised for their monarch? Who said religion was the only opiate of the
masses?
Euron the wrong track
There's a saying that you only go uphill once you've hit rock bottom, but the
benchmark for rock bottom for the global financial crisis just keeps getting
lower. In fact, the bottom seems to be made of quicksand rather than rock.
According to reports, there is a looming threat of a new wave of recession in
the developed world in 2012. An EU forecast has predicted that growth in the
Eurozone in 2012 is expected to collapse to 0.5 per cent- a steep drop from a
previous prediction of 1.8 per cent. Moody's Analytics has lowered its outlook
for growth in the US economy next year, raising the possibility of yet another
recession to hit the global economy.
That's not all: US General Martin 'I don't know who I'm bombing' Dempsey is
even warning of civic unrest in Europe if the crisis continues - which it will,
in all likelihood, since putting political gain before national interest isn't
just a desi thing.
This means that we'll probably see Occupy Athens along with Occupy Rome,
Brussels and Madrid. The English will do the usual thing and raise the
drawbridge and block off the chunnel so as to not be infected with the Euroflu.
This will be great news for TV channels, armchair revolutionaries and
manufacturers of tear gas and rubber bullets, but not so much fun for everyone
else. Except for the ultra-right, who will place the blame on brown people and
minarets; the Germans - who will launch into a rousing chorus of Deutschemark
Uber Alles, and the Chinese - who may just decide that the Opium wars weren't
all that long ago after all and that it's finally time for some payback,
Sino-style.
So long and thanks for all the icebergs
Remember the Kyoto Protocol? No, it's not the alternative title for the latest
Mission Impossible instalment. It's actually an agreement, preceded by long
discussions and negotiations, that was signed in 1997 in Kyoto, Japan. 160
countries agreed on a legally binding protocol under which industrialised
countries would reduce their collective emissions of greenhouse gases by 5.2%,
thus saving the world from the spectre of global warming.
Did it work? Well, 2011 was one of the hottest years on record, so that would
be a big 'NO'. The main problem was that the country responsible for emitting
25% of global greenhouse gases, *cough* USA *cough*, refused to ratify the
treaty. Self-righteous hypocrisy being a national trait, they wanted developing
countries to reduce their emissions instead. It flew like the Dodo.
But since everyone loves a good foreign trip, seventeen nations will be meeting
for the United Nations Climate Change Conference from November 28 to December 9
in South Africa to plan the successor of the protocol. We give it about as much
chance of success as Prince Charles has of becoming King of England.
Fun and Games
Okay, so what if the global economy is nose-diving and the weather is going
crazy and we're all doomed to destruction by December anyway? At least we have
the Olympics to look forward to.
2012 is the year of the Olympics. The Summer Olympic Games are scheduled to
take place in London in July and the 2012 Summer Paralympic Games in August.
With the added threat of terrorism, security arrangements reportedly cost
£250,000 per day and the Ministry of Defence is planning to deploy
surface-to-air missiles to counter any threat from the skies. In other news,
the London 2012 Organising Committee has stated that Sikh athletes and
spectators will be allowed to wear the Kirpan (ceremonial dagger) in all London
Olympic venues. It has also been reported that American Republicans will also
be allowed to carry their own religious token, the rifle.
Protesters of the Occupy London movement can look forward to one advantage of
demonstrating in 2012: clean air and greener surroundings. For the Summer
Olympics and Paralympics Games, the organisers will be undertaking an ambitious
environmental plan focusing on reducing low-carbon emissions and waste,
increasing biodiversity and promoting environmental awareness. They aim to
restore rivers, create wetlands and effective drainage and even plan to create
a "green corridor" from Lea Valley to River Thames. Now if they could only hold
the Olympics every month in every city in the world, we just might save the
global economy and the globe itself.
Meanwhile, in the Land of the Pure
2012 will be quite a year for us in Pakistan as well, what with mudslinging and
intrigue touching new heights in the run-up to the general elections. Many
political ablution aids (read:lotas) will change loyalties. Others will opt for
the PTI laundry services ('get clean in 24 hours or get your vote-bank back')
and some familiar faces may just try and stage comebacks. Here's what's on the
cards for Pakistan in the coming year:
Guess who's back?
Former President Pervez Musharraf has announced that he will definitely return
to Pakistan by January to start campaigning for the 2013 elections. When asked
for a comment, he allegedly said "Paka promise." Mass preparations are underway
to receive the former President at the airport, with lawyers, court bailiffs
and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court rumoured to be in the welcoming
committee. Atiqa Odho and all five members of the APML are also making
counter-preparations to foil any plots to arrest/deport or otherwise manhandle
their fearless leader.
The Poor Man's Elections
The upper house of Pakistan's Parliament, the Senate, will complete its term in
2012. New senators will be elected in March by an electoral college comprising
of members of the national and provincial assemblies. Luckily, fake degrees are
fine as far as this college is concerned.
We expect a lot of last-minute attacks of conscience and resignations from
Senators who belatedly realise that they can no longer be a part of a corrupt
system and quit the senate just a few days before their term is due to expire.
Insiders have also revealed that - in keeping with hidden clauses in the
Charter of Democracy - instead of the usual balloting, Senators will instead be
elected on the basis of their performance in a grand game of Ludo. Demands by
the PTI for a Facebook-based Farmville showdown instead have been rejected.
As far as the 'real' elections are concerned, the election commission plans to
finalise computerised electoral rolls by April 2012. In response to this
earth-shaking development that will usher in a new era of electoral
transparency, political parties are busy setting up hacker wings and the
Agencies are trying to re-engineer the Stuxnet virus, which is being renamed
the 'farishta' virus.
Perpetually Powerless Pakistan
Will our country continue to be the Land of Blackouts in 2012? While it seems
like we're doomed to perpetually put up with electricity shortages, there might
just be an energy-saver bulb at the end of the tunnel of darkness. In a bid to
solve the power crisis, 18 companies have been given licenses to generate power
through alternative energy and are expected to start producing 1,440 megawatts
(MW) of electricity in 2012.
Wind energy is going to be a big part of this. Norwegian company NBT has
expressed interest in establishing a 500-megawatt wind power project in
Pakistan, by investing about $1 billion in alternative energy. Not to be left
behind, Pakistan's proactive electronic media also plans to install wind
turbines in their studios to try and capitalise on all the hot air that is
generated by talk shows. The surplus energy will be sold back to the national
grid and, according to experts, Mehr Bokhari may well be the single largest
Independent Power Producer by the end of the year.
Rumour has it that a similar system is being planned for parliament but, when
asked for comment, Federal Water and Power Minister Syed Naveed Qamar exclaimed
"Earth, fire, wind, water, heart - by your powers combined, I am Captain
Planet," and then exited the press conference with a whooshing sound.
Limping in the wrong direction
Of course, at least we can draw some comfort from the fact that the United
Nations isn't located in Europe, because otherwise our representative may not
have been able to get to the UN in the first place.
That's because European countries are seriously considering placing travel
restrictions on Pakistani citizens. That's not all, and in other bad news the
World Bank has threatened to convert one of its grants to us into a loan next
year.
The reason? No, it's not because of our refusal to assist the US in eliminating
the Haqqani network. Neither is it because of a grand Zionist conspiracy to
keep us away from the Swiss Alps and Louvre Museum. It's because of one
disease, confined to the annals of history in the developed world, that
Pakistan has failed to eliminate: polio. In 2011, there were 148 cases of
polio in Pakistan, exceeding last year's figure of 144. The devastating floods
and militancy in the country's northern areas have aggravated the fight against
the polio virus, forcing the international community to press for punitive
measures against Pakistan if we fail to eradicate polio next year. The Punjab
health ministry also floated a proposal to shoot all horses, until they were
reminded that it's not Polo that needs to be eliminated. At that point the
minister reportedly flew into a rage, saying that the 'hole waali goli' was his
favourite and that he would fight to the death to defend it.
Stainless Steel Kashkol
There's more innovation on the debt front as well. Instead of trying to break
the begging bowl, we're lobbying for a bigger bowl. The country's debt was
recorded at Rs 10.890 trillion by August 2011 from Rs 5.799 trillion by March
2008, showing a net increase of Rs 5.091 trillion or 87.79 percent since the
current government took power.
All good things must come to an end however, and on February 24, 2012, our
country is due to repay $1.4 billion to the IMF. There are reports that the
country's senior leaders are asking US officials to use their "influence" in
the IMF to sanction a second bailout - the first one in 2008 was worth $11.3
billion. The talks have however deadlocked on the inability to reach a
consensus on the deaths-to-debt ratio with the Unites States.
So long, and thanks for all the tikkas
On the other hand, even if we can't eliminate polio, militancy or debt, we're
certainly poised to bid farewell to our Afghan brothers. The government has
chalked out a new strategy for the repatriation of millions of Afghan refugees
and set the year 2012 as the deadline for their departure from Pakistan. After
mass panic among the gastronomically inclined, Pakistani authorities issued a
statement assuring the public that supplies of Afghani tikkas will not be
jeopardised.
Resume-building, Pakistani style
United Nations Security Council, here we come! On January 1, 2012, Pakistan
will proudly commence its temporary membership of the institution dominated by
the largest arms exporting states with nuclear capabilities, ironically tasked
with ensuring international security. As such, it doesn't seem too far-fetched
that a state with little or no internal security will take a seat on the UNSC.
If we go by Foreign Minister Hina Rabbani Khar's words, our country looks
forward to the "maintenance of international peace and security" as part of the
Security Council. But our attachment with the Security Council will probably
yield nothing more than an increase in debates on the Arab-Israeli conflict
(complete with vetoed resolutions), occasional hue and cry (also quickly
vetoed) on the Kashmir issue and special security details for Ms Khar's
handbags. At least it'll look good on the national resume. And the Birkins will
be safe.
It's just not cricket
Finally, the coming year also marks the Pakistani cricket team's first tour of
India since the 2008 Mumbai attacks. It is rumoured that the Pakistani team
will have new bottle-proof uniforms and will undergo extensive showboating and
wicket celebration training. Luckily, the 2012 ICC World Twenty20 will take
place in Sri Lanka, and since that's about the last country in the world in
which Pakistanis aren't strip-searched on arrival, abnormal security may not be
required.
Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, January 1st, 2012.
from
Vanessa The Google Girl.
my skype name is rainbowstar123
Other related posts:
- » [guide.chat] news various and end of world 2012 - vanessa
