[CTS] Your new computer
- From: "Surfin Suzy" <surfin_suzy@xxxxxxx>
- To: "CTS" <computertalkshop@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Fri, 16 Feb 2007 01:59:20 -0600
YOUR NEW COMPUTER
Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax 2000 Multimedia Personal
Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give many years of
faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with
your PC is a special bonus pack of free pre-installed software: 'Lawn
Mowing Planner', 'Blank Screen Saver', 'East Africa Route Finder' and
'X15 Submarine Mechanic' valued at over a fiver, which will provide
hours of pointless diversion whilst using up most of your computers
spare memory. You are now ready to begin the installation so turn the
page and lets get started!
<new page>
Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page
which means you have a high enough IQ to realize things don't look too
good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box, possibly from
miss-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be
of any use and can be thrown away.
Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2000 is configured to use the
80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz on
variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installation and
insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent
internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your
computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box
and examine its contents. (WARNING: Do not open the box if contents are
missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all
missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining
where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve
working months.) Also, only open the box if you intend to use your PC as
this will bind you to the terms and conditions set out in the manual,
which will be sent to you when it has been written. The contents of the
box (if you have the deluxe model) should include some of the following:
Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2 inches of
flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily
designed for this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages
are in 26 different languages; 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual';
'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual';
'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally
Impatient or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in
Spanish and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and
Styrofoam packing material.
All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out'
test. Please wipe off any soot from the case before using.
Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the
additional power hungry needs of the Computer like switching it on, you
will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 auxiliary hardware upgrade pack, a
900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50
megahertz oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes of
additional memory for the oscillator and a small electrical substation.
Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet
acquired a degree in Electrical engineering, now is the time to do so.
Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach
power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel
(G); plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make
an extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel
audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most
likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens.
Additional meaningless note: The wires in the ampule modulator unit are
marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or blue; blue
and live = neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on,
and retire to a safe distance. If after plugging in and switching on
your PC nothing happens, the items sent to you may have been
mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer appear
to be working, please contact us immediately as we may need to employ
you.
Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A
(marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G') into Drive Slot B and type 'Setup' and
press Return. If your keyboard does not have a return key, simply press
the small spring lever where the Return button should be and wait.
After installation, you will be asked to enter your License Verification
Number. Your License Verification Number can be found by entering your
Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your License
Verification Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification
or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for
assistance. (Please have your License Verification and Certified User
numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)
If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette
1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on your
screen. (Note: owing to software modifications, some instructions will
appear in Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for
the installation. As a rule of thumb and general to most installations,
the Exit option is always a good bet.
If the installation fails with an error message '## Not enough disk
space ##' then you should have bought a bigger disk. If the installation
is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked 'Diskette 1', and repeat the
previous steps with each of the 187 other disks. Should you be
unfortunate enough to receive an error message that says: Invalid file
path. Abort or Continue? Be warned , Selecting 'Continue' may result in
irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. On the other hand,
selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of
memory. Please select the most appropriate option.
When installation is complete, make sure your computer is plugged into
the phone socket, type in your Name, Address and Credit Card details and
press 'SEND'. This will automatically register you for our free software
prize, 'Blank Screensaver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to
pass your name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online services
and other commercial enterprises, who will be getting in touch shortly.
If you should see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card,
this is perfectly normal as it verifies that your modem is working
correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty registration form and
send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us not
receiving it.
<new page>
You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises
to get you off to a flying start:
Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you
know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours'
followed by your own name. Print it off on your new printer that you are
about to order from us and Voila!
Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As',
Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the location and press 'OK'. Alternatively,
write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in a drawer.
Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!
Troubleshooting Section:
You will have many, many problems through the life of your computer.
These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send anything back to
us. Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions:
Problem: My computer won't turn on.
Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal.
Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.
Problem: My foot pedal wont work.
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse pad instead.
Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.
Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change
it?
Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.
Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'.
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the
computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any messages will
disappear.
Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse pad.
Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk.
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model
with exclusive limited ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and
paper set. **
** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been
discontinued.
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