[adeel420] joke: I think Santa Claus is a woman

  • From: LTC <mshaqeel@xxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: adeel420@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Thu, 26 Dec 2002 17:49:25 +0000 (GMT)


I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I
believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time
believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even
think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's
as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian
Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they--with
amazing calm--call other errant men and plan for a
last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find
only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood
rings left on the shelves. (You might think this
would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it
lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.)
On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they
would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on
to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed,
desperate claims that buck season had been extended.
Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the
taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still
have transportation problems because he would
inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds
and
then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable
delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa
would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the
flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide
fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every
Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it
to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
~ Men can't pack a bag.
~ Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red
velvet.
~ Men would feel their masculinity is threatened,
having to be seen with all those elves.
~ Men don't answer their mail.
~ Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described even in jest as anything remotely resembling
a "bowlful of jelly."

~ Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's
wearing them.
~ Finally, being responsible for Christmas would
require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday
characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year
unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid
flies
around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who
likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals
could pass the testosterone-screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Thot for the Day:
Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental. 

=====


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