[adeel420] Diary of a Snow Shovel
- From: LTC <mshaqeel@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: adeel420@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sun, 8 Dec 2002 22:41:11 +0000 (GMT)
December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife
and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
window watching the
huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked
like a Grandma Moses
Print.
So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch
of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be
a more lovely
place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
idea I've ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got
to shovel again.
What a perfect life.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have
a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter,
that I'll never
want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a
nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and
puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked
the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed
for an hour, which I
think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity
was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing
to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate
her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to
death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by
twice. Tried to
find a neighbor kid to shovel,
but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think
they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March.
I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's
lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the
white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I
had to piss.
By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again.
I was too tired
to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the
rest of the
winter;
but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is
lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think
she's damn well lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives
that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he
comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and
throws snow all over
where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to
sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy
watching for the
goddamn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the fucking slop
tonight. Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate
the snow! Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I
hit him over the
head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's
an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life"
one more time, I'm
going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave-in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife
went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house.
No more shoveling.
***
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